Taking A Pause

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Communication is at the heart of every healthy relationship, but there are times when conversations become challenging or heated. During these moments, it's crucial to know how to take a pause as a couple. Pausing allows both partners to step back, calm down, and approach the conversation with more clarity and understanding. Here's some guidance on how you can effectively take a pause when discussing something difficult:

1. Recognize the signs: Pay attention to your body and emotions. If you notice tension rising, increased heart rate, or a feeling of being overwhelmed, it might be time to take a break.

2. Agree on a signal: Before starting a conversation, agree on a signal that either partner can use to call for a pause. This could be a specific word or gesture that indicates the need to take a break.

3. Express respect: When calling for a pause, express your respect for your partner and your commitment to continuing the conversation later. For example, "I respect you, and I want us to continue this conversation when we're both calmer."

4. Set a time to resume: Agree on a specific time to resume the conversation. This gives both partners time to reflect on their thoughts and feelings and approach the conversation with a clearer perspective.

5. Take time to self-soothe: Use the pause to engage in activities that help you relax and calm down. This could include deep breathing, going for a walk, or listening to calming music.

6. Practice active listening: When you resume the conversation, practice active listening. Show empathy and understanding towards your partner's perspective, even if you disagree.

7. Seek support: If you find that difficult conversations frequently escalate, consider seeking outside support. A therapist can help you develop healthy communication strategies and navigate challenging conversations more productively.

Taking a pause during a difficult conversation can prevent misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and strengthen your relationship. It's a powerful tool that allows both partners to communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner.

Love Languages: A Give and Take with Couples

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

In my experience working with couples (and individuals), the importance on love languages is very prevalent. I see it similarly to the idea of showing support. We all have our natural ways of wanting to show support given how we know we want to receive support. But when the other person doesn’t need or want to be shown support in that way, they may feel the other person doesn’t care to fulfill their needs for support accurately. The same thing goes for love languages and the way we want to receive love.

We will be talking about the five original love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. It is important to keep in mind that there may be differences in your love languages based on how you want to receive love and the way you want to show love. I find this distinction very relevant for couples work because it can take extra effort to shift your focus of showing love if the way your partner wants to receive love is different than how you naturally show love. I always tell couples that if this is the case, it doesn’t mean you can never give your partner gifts if that is how you express love; it just means that you also must make a conscious decision to put effort forth to give your partner words of affirmation if that is the way they need to receive love. Another thing to note is that many people do not just fall into one category for love languages but may be a mix of a few or have a certain priority list for which they prefer/need the most.

Words of Affirmation: A partner desires being shown love or giving love through verbal connection and affirmations. This can be as simple as an “I love you” in the morning, a sweet post-it note on the mirror, showing appreciation and acknowledgement for their efforts around the house, or even a handwritten love letter. Someone whose love language is words of affirmation needs emotional intimacy through words and hearing that a partner cares and loves them.

Acts of Service: A partner desires to be shown love when their partner is physically helpful and partakes in certain tasks, so the other person does not have to. This can be concrete tasks such as the dishes, laundry, cleaning the snow off the car, picking them up from the airport after a trip, or making dinner. It can also be smaller things such as putting toothpaste on a partner’s toothbrush in the morning, filling up their water bottle, starting the shower for them, etc. When living with a partner, there are many options of tasks around the home that can be done to show acts of service especially knowing a partner’s everyday routine.

Gifts: People who love gifts or gift-giving don’t always view this is as some grand gesture. Often, it is the little things that can make a partner feel special such as picking up their favorite meal from the grocery store, bringing back something they were running low on, their favorite sweet treat, flowers, and anything that made you think of them. A person with gifts as their love language just wants a partner to show they love them by thinking of them in little (or big) ways in the form of a physical item. To know their partner went somewhere and thought of them makes all the difference.

Quality Time: A person who needs to be shown love through quality time just wants to physically and mentally be present with a partner. They thrive from doing activities with a partner even activities like running errands, driving around, playing a game, going on a walk, going on a date somewhere, etc. It is so important to keep in mind that quality time is different than just passive time together such as living together and going about your routines and watching a show or movie. A partner who desires quality time wants the quality in it. Maybe try putting phones away and just enjoying each other’s company one on one.

Physical Touch: A person or partner who needs physical touch to be shown love doesn’t always want the touch to be sexual, even though that is part of it. Physical touch can be as innocent as hugging, holding hands, cuddling, and massaging. They feel most loved through someone physically expressing it to them and feeling a partner wanting to be close to them.

Now that we have gone over the five original love languages, it is important to figure out which love languages you gravitate the most towards whether that be one main way of showing and receiving love, or a mix of a few. It is also essential to understand the way your partner gives and wants to receive love. Like stated before, you can still show a partner love in the way that is natural and feels good for you to do so, but it is necessary to also learn their love languages to understand how you can show them love and when they are also showing you love in their natural way. It is a way to better understand each other and recognize when your partner is expressing their care and appreciation. There are many love languages quizzes and books to learn more such as: 5lovelanguages.com and The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

The Search For A Therapist

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Looking for a therapist can be an intimidating process that often feels shrouded in mystery. For both first-timers to therapy and those with prior experiences, setting out to begin a new relationship is hard. It can seem like an impossible task to choose a total stranger from a list of internet search results and expect that person to be well-matched for your goals and to possess a presence that feels connected and compatible with your own way of being. The lack of clear expectations for the search process and initial session can create anxiety. And anxiety can freeze us into avoidance. Furthermore, many people begin the search for a therapist when they are already stretched thin by stressors in their lives, and they have few internal resources to call on for the search.

I get asked frequently “how can I find a therapist?”. Here is my roadmap to answer that question. I hope it helps you find your way to support. The end destination will be worth the journey, I promise!

1.     Gather Names

• Online directories like Psychology Today can be a springboard. You can filter by specialty, training, location, and reach out to therapists directly. The online directory from your insurance company can also help you locate someone already in-network.

• Ask your primary care physician for a referral list of therapist/practices.

• Another approach is to START WITH ONE NAME that can send you a couple referrals. For example, your husband’s therapist or your friend who IS a therapist or your kid’s school counselor. They are not going to treat you but they CAN provide you with leads to help you land with a great therapist. Therapists love to provide referrals. It is a deeply rewarding part of our job to expand and promote access to care. So don’t hesitate to start with one name and ask that name for names.

2.     Make Contact

• Okay, you’ve got a name and email address. Now what? Send an email to establish whether it could be a good fit from a logistical standpoint – scheduling, insurance, etc. I’m a fan of addressing fit from a logistical standpoint up front as this reduces the likelihood of finding someone you mesh with stylistically only to later discover an administrative barrier to working together. Here’s what to include in your outreach email:

• Openings? State that you’re looking for a therapist and ask if are they taking on new clients.

• Modality:  State the type of therapy you’re seeking: individual, couple, or family.

• Scheduling: Offer relevant scheduling information like “I’m free weekday evenings only” “I’m very flexible with scheduling” “mornings before 11am” “Wednesday or Monday anytime”.

• Insurance/payment info: Share your insurance provider to confirm that the therapist is in network or inform the therapist if you won’t be using insurance. If you want rate information, inquire about fees.

• In-person or telehealth: State your preference, if you have one. (“I prefer telehealth” “I prefer in-person” “I have no preference between in-person and telehealth.”)

3.     Phone Consult

• If the therapist replies that they can take you on feel free to ask for a brief phone consultation to get a sense of the therapist’s style and presence. Feel free to ask about their approach to therapy and experience.  You may want to share a topline summary of what you want to work on and the therapist may weigh in on whether that problem/issue is within their scope of competence. They will often provide referrals if your needs fall outside their scope. A therapist will normally try to keep this phone call to 10-15 minutes.

• You may opt to skip the consult call option and move into scheduling your initial session. Just a head’s up, the initial session typically costs more than subsequent sessions because it involves more work for the therapist (intake forms and creating a client record).

4.     Initial Session

• Expect the first session to begin with reviewing consent forms and practice policies. Confidentiality, cancellations, payment/insurance, and between-session contact will all be covered.

• The session will be about getting to know each other and beginning to define the current challenges and goals of therapy.

• Remember building trust and connection takes time, as with any relationship. However, if it’s not feeling like the right fit after several sessions, tell the therapist and the therapist will gladly offer to help with referrals to get you started with someone else. Don’t feel bad about this! The therapeutic relationship is the most important factor for success so if it’s not working, the therapist will want to support your journey toward a better fit.

The Last Taboo: Couples and Money

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Social media has broken down the walls around previously taboo subjects such as sex and politics. But talking about money is the last taboo. Friends, family members, and partners in intimate relationships will talk about anything else to avoid disclosures about what’s in their bank account or how much they earn. And yet, couples fight more about money than anything else. Here are just three examples of those chronic triggers: To what degree do earnings dictate power in the household? What are the differences between transparency, privacy, and secrecy? Do we merge our money or keep it separate? How do we plan for retirement?

Money is said to be the leading cause of divorce. So what is the sequence of dysfunction?

Discord about finances → financial strain → marital strain → decreased relationship satisfaction → decreased relationship stability → increased likelihood of divorce.

Studies confirm that in the area of money, it holds true that opposites attract. One tends to spend and one tends to save. We enter into a partnership with someone who has a constitutionally different orientation toward money and we enter that partnership with zero practice talking about that difference.

Therapists know that a person’s yearnings, fears, vulnerabilities, values, and hopes are all wrapped up in money. And most of these money beliefs and values are formed in childhood. When a couple enters therapy with financial discord, often, the first thing a therapist will do is create a financial genogram with them. This diagram tells the intergenerational history of money beliefs and values in each partner’s family. Learning about each other’s money stories helps expand understanding, curiosity, and empathy which tend to promote new pathways for choice, healing, and teamwork.

Here are some questions that couples can use on their own to prompt open conversations:

- What did you love about your parent’s relationship to money?

- What are some things about your parent’s relationship you want to leave in the past?

- What’s your first money memory?

A recent development in the field of marriage and family therapy is the appreciation for how profound financial discord can be on the health of relationships. This has led to an emerging niche within our industry: Financial Therapy. Financial therapists help couples connect the past to the present, emotions to behavior, and see how each one may be contributing to a dysfunctional cycle. These therapists are trained to understand the financial housekeeping practices that produce best outcomes and they are able to guide clients toward adopting these healthy habits.

To learn more about connecting with a Financial Therapist you can start by asking for a referral from a therapist you currently work with or use this database:

References:

1. David J. Mumford & Gerald R. Weeks (2003) The Money Genogram, Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 14:3, 33-44, DOI: 10.1300/J085v14n03_03

2. AAMFT Podcast

Tips and Tools for Dividing Up Household Tasks

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Many couples often come to therapy to work on communication and conflict resolution skills. What we then discuss many times is conflict over household tasks and division of those tasks. I tend to find that the small things become the big things when left undiscussed and unresolved. This can lead to resentment and frustration if one partner feels that they are doing all of the work around the house. That is what we want to avoid. Here are some helpful tips and tools to lessen the constant conflict over keeping the home clean and tidy.

1. Express your expectations - Partners should be on the same page and understand the needs and expectations that their partner has for them and for the state of the home.

2. Compromise - There may be certain tasks or chores that are not you or your partner’s favorite to do (cleaning the bathrooms for example) so depending on how often you do these specific tasks, try to switch out with one another. If you clean the bathroom this week, then it is your partner’s turn next week. This way, you are still working as a team to get the task done. Also, keeping in mind that compromise may need to happen when it comes to expectations. Some things are not going to be perfect all of the time. You do want to be able to live in your home as well! Trying to figure out the middle point that feels good for both partners is important sometimes too.

3. Create a list of household tasks - Work together to come up with all of the tasks and chores that get done both daily and weekly. Then, discuss how you want to divide up those tasks to you, your partner, and to both of you together.

4. Discuss your daily schedules/routines - Depending on work schedules and daily routines, there may be certain tasks or chores that just naturally make more sense for one partner to do over the other, but make sure the amount/types of tasks still feels doable and fair for both.

5. Identify strengths and weaknesses - Similar to the tip above, there may be certain tasks that one partner can do a lot easier than the other so it is important to discuss your strengths and weaknesses together and divide up the tasks accordingly. What is going to feel comfortable and easy for one partner, may feel challenging and uncomfortable for the other.

6. Be compassionate and patient with each other - Some habits are hard to break so give it some time for you and your partner to improve on your cleaning routines and habits. If your partner has never put their towel away after showering, they are not going to magically wake up and remember to do this. It takes some time to break the habit to then create the new one. Give them gentle reminders to help, but avoid using blaming language or shaming them for forgetting.

7. Act as a team - Remember that you are working together; not against each other! This is a huge one. You are working together to keep the home clean and tidy. The problem in not you or your partner. The problem is the dirty home and how the two of you can fix the problem together.

Review of Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love by Anne Hodder-Shipp, CSE

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

About the author: Anne (she/they) is a founder of Everyone Deserves Sex Education which provides age-appropriate sex education to parents, youth, therapists, and aspiring sex educators. They also practice dreamwork & provide coaching focused on sex, relationships, parent-child dynamics, and more. See their website here for additional information!

Summary: This book focuses on updating the pre-existing “5 Love Languages” ideology as that was popularized by Gary Chapman. In contrast to those concepts, Hodder-Shipp has compiled 18 actions over the course of 6 years working with clients and tried to fill in gaps from the original 5. They synthesized their findings into this book while also acknowledge that it is not to been seen as an exhaustive list. Their aim was to put together a resource that suits diverse relationship configurations and demographics.

Pros:

 101-pages written in non-clinical terms for ease of reading

 Sex positive, expansive & affirming of varying relational and individual identities

 Applicable to self-love as well as the multitude of relationships with other that we experience – not just romantic or marriage-oriented ones!

 With each description of the “languages,” the author includes an infographic with some examples of how one may utilize them as well as examples of what they are NOT

 Purposely does not include a quiz (intended to promote fluid exploration of the different languages and decrease rigid ties to the concepts)

 Cost-effective ($2.99 on Amazon @ the time I purchased it)

 Offers a more inclusive update to current ideas and NOT an end-all-be-all list

 Provides a section at the end on self-soothing & co-regulation

Cons:

 18 different “languages” may be more difficult to remember than the popular 5 language model

 eBook only as of right now

 Does not include a quiz – some folks may find that disappointing

Take aways:

Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love is great for self-exploration! Especially for people who have maybe heard of the original 5 love languages but struggled to see themselves/their relationships in those terms. It could also be a helpful tool for therapists to use to normalize the many relationships that clients have. This book validates the expansive means in which people conceptualize love within different contexts- platonic friendships, work buddies, relatives, etc. Personally, I learned that I value Shared Beliefs in romantic & platonic relationships, Affirming Communication in my work relationships, and Accountability in my familial relationships! I resonated with some of the other concepts but figured I would name just a few.

My Rating: 5 out of 5 hearts! - for inclusivity, price point, and providing examples for the reader!

Here is the website for the book if you are in search of more information on the book!

This is a 12-min workshop on YouTube with an overview of the book & 5 of the 18 languages and how they can be applied to loving YOURSELF

The Vulnerability Cycle Part 2

By Michaela Choy LMFT

In my last post, I introduced the concept of the vulnerability cycle which you can read more about here. This cycle can be damaging in relationships and create stuckness. In this post I’d like to present some ways to move through this. These are some ideas I have found helpful in my life and practice. I imagine with some discussion with your partner(s) and therapist, you may uncover others.

1. Name the cycle and map it out together. As a team, write out the cycle that continues to occur. Focus on what triggers the cycle, each person’s perception of the situation, and each person’s response. Having a map of the cycle can unite us against what’s feeling hard and remind us where and how we can get stuck. After you map this out, I encourage couples to name the cycle as it’s happening to build awareness. This can also slow down the cycle and give us a chance to create different choices. Identify these choice points and list out some different responses that help instead of hurt.

2. “The story I’m telling myself…” We can often assume intent or make deep meaning out of situations. I encourage partners to intentionally articulate when they are making meaning or assumptions by starting with, “the story i’m telling myself is…” This can help in several ways. One, it allows our partners into our inner world. They can know our fears, vulnerabilities, and sensitivities. Without knowing these, they won’t be able to be loving and attentive to our needs. Two, it allows for clarification. We can check out assumptions and meaning making with others and they can help us see if that is in fact happening or if there is more to the story we don’t see. This phrase comes from Brené Brown’s work on shame and vulnerability.

3. Share survival strategies with one another. I explain what a survival strategy is in my last post. If you need a refresher, click here. Sharing where these strategies come from, how they served us, and how we benefit from using these strategies can deepen compassion and understanding in couples. It can also depersonalize hurt that’s happening in cycles. Sometimes we are reacting to our partners. And sometimes we are reacting to something our partner is doing that feels familiar that has nothing to do with our partner. Share these and one day you may have a richer perspective in these moments.

   These are great starting points for unlocking cycles. I encourage you to explore other ways for moving through these moments. A therapist can be a helpful guide in navigating this if you need extra support.

   References: Restrepo, S. (Director). (2019). Brené Brown: The Call to Courage. [Video File]. Retrieved from https://www.netflix.com/title/81010166 Scheinkman, M., & DeKoven Fishbane, M. (2004). The vulnerability cycle: Working with impasses in couple therapy. Family Process, 43(3), 279-299.
   

Relationship Attachment: The Importance of Knowing Your Attachment Style

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Before diving straight into the different attachment styles, it is important to first know what attachment and Attachment Theory even are. Attachment Theory was developed by a psychanalyst, John Bowlby who was studying infants’ behaviors when separated from their caregivers. Attachment Theory looks at how an infant is nurtured by a caregiver (loved, supported, neglected, abused, etc.) affects their attachment both in infancy towards a parent and later in adulthood in romantic relationships and friendships. With this said, attachment starts in childhood and continues in adulthood. Bowlby also studied the importance of infant’s independence from a caregiver to examine the difference attachment styles.

Looking specifically at attachment styles in adulthood is important for many reasons, especially when understanding how an individual shows up in a romantic relationship. The three main attachment styles are secure, anxious, and avoidant. Many people often do not understand why they show up a certain way in their romantic relationships or why they react to their partner when they are upset or feeling ignored, so knowing your attachment style can give a lot of insight for both you and your partner.

Secure Attachment Characteristics

• Feel confident that other people will be there for you when you need them

• Feel relaxed and joyful in relationships

• Rarely feel jealous or anxious that the relationship will end

• Independent and sure of self

• Want to care for a romantic partner and make sure their needs are being met (supportive)

• Easy to share feelings/needs

• Feel comfortable sharing private thoughts with partner

• Feel comfortable being close to romantic partners

• It is helpful turning to a romantic partner in times of need

Anxious Attachment Characteristics

• Overall feel anxiety in relationships

• Fear losing partner/relationship

• Worry partner will not want to stay with them (ex: if they make a small mistake)

• Worry that romantic partners won’t care about them as much as they care for their partner

• Worry partner doesn’t really love/care about them

• May be jealous, clingy/needy, self-criticizing, dependent, have a constant sense of under-appreciation or being misunderstood leading to anger

• May look for a partner that is critical, dominant, and inconsistent with affection

• Feel partner is better than them therefore able to meet their needs better than they can for themselves

Avoidant Attachment Characteristics

• Prefers not to show partner how they truly feel

• Find it difficult to let themselves be dependent on romantic partners

• Don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable with romantic partners (communication and sharing feelings)

• Prefer not to be too close to romantic partners (fearful)

• Both crave and avoid intimacy

• Don’t believe that intimacy and emotions are important (more important to be self-reliant)

• May be a loner

• Prefer spending time pursuing intellectual goals and avoid social interactions

• Attracted to people who don’t want to help meet needs

If this is of interest to you, there are many quizzes online to help figure out which attachment style fits you best. It is also important to understand how your attachment style may interact with your partner’s attachment style in different areas of life such as conflict, communication, stress, etc. For example, a securely attached partner may not fully understand why their anxiously attached partner is always seeking validation in the relationship so showing understanding towards a partner rather than annoyance or frustration can help make the relationship stronger and the anxiety decrease. It is also beneficial to understand how you might have shown up in past relationships as well. Attachment can really open your eyes to the ways you have shown up towards a partner and others, to gain more insight, empathy, and understanding in your relationship.

References

Fraley, C. R. (2018). A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research: R. Chris Fraley. A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research. http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm.

3 Common Problematic Communication Patterns.

By Rachel D. Miller, LMFT

How we communicate our wants and needs, love and appreciation, concerns and criticisms strengthen or erode the foundation of our relationships. The most helpful communication aligns our words with our body language, thoughts, and feelings. When these things aren’t congruent, we risk sending mixed messages leaving our relationships vulnerable to conflict, misunderstandings and disconnection.

Effective communication in addition to being congruent also considers self, others, the larger context, and the relationship involved. Failing to take these into consideration often manifest as the below unhelpful communication patterns.

1) Blaming

Pointing a finger in accusation while feeling direct, useful, and even vindicating, in the moment, rarely leads to the change we are seeking. Blaming is identifiable by the frequent use of the word “you.” What is missing in blaming conversations is acknowledgement of any larger context at play and self-reflection. Thoughts, feelings, words, and body language might be aligned when we’re angry and blaming, but if we focus solely on the behaviors or attributes of the other person, we’ll likely be met with defensiveness, stonewalling, or counter attacks.

If you recognize this pattern in yourself, I encourage you to get curious about what need or ask you might have under the blame. Take some time to consider the larger context around the situation and get curious about how it might be impacting things. I statements and focusing on your feelings, needs, and asks can keep defenses down, communication moving, and maybe get you closer to what you’re wanting. If the relationship is one that is important to you, ask for what you need in a way the other person is most likely able to give it to you. Remember, you’re on the same team.

2) Listening to respond instead of listening to understand

Too often when we listen to complaints, criticisms, or requests to change we immediately begin crafting a defense. When I see this happen in the therapy room arguing people are rarely arguing about what they think they’re arguing about. Typically, the listener missed the point the speaker was making because they were too busy figuring out all the reasons the speaker was wrong in their assessment of the situation or of them.

I urge clients in that moment to pause and take a deep breath. Then I inquire around what they believe the speaker said that is hitting a little too close to an uncomfortable truth for them. If it isn’t that, then I get curious about the story they are telling themselves about what they think the speaker means. Once the story is revealed we often discover it is a far cry from the speaker’s meaning and words.

If you recognize this pattern as something you do, there is a tool you might find helpful called Speaker/listener. You can read more about it here. Remember, if you notice yourself reacting to what you think someone said, curiosity can slow down the process and reduce reactivity. Ask questions; make sure you understand before you respond. Remember even common words can mean different things to different people in differing contexts. Which brings us to our third problematic pattern.

3) Assuming

When I work with people in therapy, I remind them often that how they define a word or concept may not be the way the person they’re communicating does. When your partner says that they are “close” with their family, you might assume that you know what that looks like for them, but the word “close” can mean everything from “my family and I did a lot of activities together when I was growing up” to “I talk to my mother twice a day.” We have to continually check in with people about how they are defining words and concepts rather than assume that what it means for you, is what it means for them. As my kids used to say to me, “Don’t assume, Mom. When you do you make an ass of u and me.”

If you find yourself assuming, as most of us will, I encourage you to shift to assuming you don’t know, assuming you can never fully understand someone else’s experience, and assuming the best of intentions from those you are in relationship with. Before responding, clarify meaning. Ask questions that can provide insight and empathy into what the other is experiencing.

It is impossible to be in relationships and be vulnerable without occasionally hurting someone or being hurt. What matters most is that we take accountability, apologize when necessary, be generous in our interpretations of the intentions of others, and attempt to make repairs when and where we can. Even the best communicators will screw up. Perfection is not the goal here. Commitment to practice and growth is all we can ask of ourselves and each other.

Four Relational Pitfalls and Their Antidotes

By Michaela Choy, LMFT

I refer to John Gottman’s research around the four horsemen of the apocalypse to better the relational skills of my clients (mostly couples) and myself. The four horsemen of the apocalypse are criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. All of us use one or several of these negative strategies in our interactions at some point. Gottman’s research found that the heavy presence of these behaviors will corrode a relationship by increasing negativity and distrust. These factors largely contribute to Gottman’s ability to predict whether a couple will stay together or separate after observing a couple’s communication for 15 minutes with 96% accuracy. These behaviors are that powerful and that indicative of relational success (Gottman, 2015).

How to use this information.

I will outline the four horsemen as well as their antidotes below. I encourage you to think about which of these are present in your communication with your partner. It may be tempting to identify what’s wrong with your partner first, but for the sake of this exercise, keep this focused on you. You have more agency and power in changing your own behavior than your partner’s. If you find this exercise resonates, perhaps you can encourage your partner to read through this blog post or refer to the resources I’ve shared below. Clients have the most success in using this information when they own which of the four horsemen they bring to their interactions.

The four horsemen in greater detail.

1) Criticism

This is a statement that expresses negative opinions or judgements about the other person. These statements generally target a person’s character or personality. Here are some examples: “You always forget to load the dishwasher. How are you so forgetful? I can tell you really don’t care about our home because you don’t clean up after yourself.” or “You’re always looking for an opportunity to leave me at home with the kids. You are selfish. Can’t you see I’m drowning?!”

The antidote for this is to turn your criticism’s into complaints. Complaints are more vulnerable, objective, and give your partner a way back in. A complaint starts with an I statement (“I’m feeling really stressed”) followed by an objective description of the situation (“when the kitchen is messy”) followed by a need or a preference (“can you start putting away your dirty dishes in the dishwasher?”)

2) Contempt

This suggests a superiority over someone else. This often disrespects others through mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or scoffing. This is often the result of pent-up resentment or unaddressed negative thoughts. Couples who are stuck in contempt are at the highest risk of divorce and are at higher risk of developing colds and the flu (Gottman, 2015).

The antidote for contempt is building appreciation and respect back into the relationship. Look for moments to highlight your partner’s efforts and increase moments of appreciation. Also look for opportunities to show affection (think about love languages) towards your partner. What you pay attention to grows. Get into the habit of noticing the positive parts of your partner and then make this known. Words of appreciation can sound like, “Thank you for making me a cup of coffee this morning. That really saved me time.” or “I’m so grateful you’re my partner. Thank you for listening to me vent about work.”

We can find ourselves in a place of contempt if the bad outweighs the good. Gottman has found that for every negative interaction, you need 5 positive interactions to balance this out to feel healthy and happy in your relationship. Start monitoring this ratio and up the appreciation and affection if needed (Gottman, 2015).

3) Stonewalling

This occurs when we withdraw from our partner. This can look like walking away during mid conversation, shutting down, appearing busy, etc. This can result from receiving too much criticism or contempt to the point where we need to disengage. This can feel protective, but when we stonewall, we are inaccessible to our partner so we cannot address what’s wrong.

The antidote to this is taking some time away from your partner deliberately and responsibly. Ask for some space if you’re feeling overwhelmed and use the time to regulate your emotions. Do something soothing (take a walk, read a book, listen to music, engage in an activity that takes your mind off the moment) for at least 30 minutes. Do not stew on the hard conversation. When you return to your partner, you will be in a better place to listen and offer your own perspective in a respectful way.

4) Defensiveness

We generally engage in defensiveness in response to criticism. It sounds like not taking responsibility for our behavior and blaming our partner instead. Here are some examples: “You’re really angry with me? I would help around the house more if you weren’t so mean to me!” or “I’m not the only one who yells, you yell at me all the time!”

In both of these instances, there is no recognition of the other person’s experience, and it sounds like blame which escalates things further. The antidote is taking ownership for the part(s) of the statement that make sense and acknowledging your partner’s experience. It generally involves some curiosity and validating statements. For example, it might sound like this: “I can understand why you want me to help out around the house. What are you needing?” or “I do yell when we argue. I’m going to try to work on that.”

Prompts

After you have a grasp of what the horsemen are, consider the following prompts:

- Which of the four horsemen do I identify with?

- When do I notice myself using one/some of the four horsemen?

- How do my partner(s) or loved ones respond when I do this?

- What are my alternative responses?

- If I try to practice an alternative response, what will make this challenging?

- What will help me? What can I do to set myself up so I can choose an alternative response?

- If I use one of the four horsemen, and catch my behavior after the fact, how can I take accountability?

- What does that look like and sound like?

Resources:

The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage work by John Gottman and Nan Silver

Brene with Drs. John and Julie Gottman on What Makes Love Last

Handout of the four horsemen and antidotes

References:

Gottman, J. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Hachette UK.

Let’s Talk about Gender Roles in Marriage

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

The gender beliefs, attributions, and norms that we come to hold as individuals show up in the ways we structure our households and define our partner roles. Gender considerations tend to be at play, explicitly or implicitly, in the distribution of household labor and childcare, in career negotiations, in spousal spending power and in sexual satisfaction.

While some people hold firm, fixed beliefs on gender, others revisit and revise their beliefs across the life course. To be sure, a person’s ideology at any given point in time is a product of layer upon layer of influence: family, religion, culture, biology, and government to name a few. An important function of couples therapy is to unearth, to the level of consciousness, the ways that our attitudes toward gender and our gender role expectations in relationships have been informed by childhood conditioning and various social influences. This process leads partners to have a greater sense of agency over how they want roles to be assigned and responsibilities allocated. When couples avoid talking about these hidden forces, partners often slide into roles which are at odds with their beliefs (i.e. a progressive-minded individual finds themselves in a traditional role, or vice versa). Research has shown that the dissonance that one experiences when beliefs/values do not align with behavior often leads to both psychological and relational distress. The therapy process can help couples arrive at an explicit agreement about the kind of roles they want in their relationship or marriage.

Outlined below are the 3 most common models of marriage (among heterosexual couples). Use this as a framework to open discussion. It may help identify your current situation or clarify desired goals. (Note, these are generalized buckets; every couple is distinct and nuanced!) From Hamburg, S. R. (2001). Will Our Love Last?: A Couple's Road Map. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster.

Traditional marriage: Husband earns the money and wife takes care of household and kids. They occupy “separate spheres”. Male-identity closely tied to provider status. Big difference in power between husband and wife. In this model, there is a clear definition of roles.

Egalitarian marriage: Both spouses view their respective income as collective and household responsibilities as shared. Couples view each other’s jobs as equal and necessary (regardless of income differentials) and earnings as “ours”. If there are kids, neither partner is automatically the primary caretaker. Both partners make whatever changes are necessary to work schedules/commitments to accommodate the kids needs. Requires coordination and negotiation as roles are not fixed.

Nontraditional marriage: Somewhere between traditional and egalitarian. Both partners work outside the home but the defining feature is the wife has the primary responsibility for the children. Husband helps with housework, but it is wife’s responsibility to “manage” it. For example, he may do the grocery shopping but she plans the meals, makes the list, and reminds him to go. More equal power balance but traditional role of mother as primary childcare provider is preserved. Can lead wife to experience a disproportionate feeling of a “second shift”.

Below are some questions to use as a starting template at home or with your therapist to explore how attitudes toward gender show up in relationships:

• How do you both negotiate the distribution of household management and labor? Are these decisions based on skills and interests? Are the decisions are based on relative earnings? On time availability?

• When one partner earns and the other does not (or makes less) what are the ways marital power is tied to income?

• Are rewards and demands fairly distributed in your marital relationship?

• Is unpaid work by a stay-at-home partner valued the same/differently than the way paid work is?

• Is there a balance between decision-making (i.e. scheduling travel for the holidays) and labor (packing the bags)?

• What is the load of invisible work (worrying, planning, processing) that each partner carries?

• In “post-gender” couples with egalitarian ideals, what factors determine who does what and how did you come to agree on these factors?

• What is each partners level of motivation to align on a “model” for their relationship?

• How similar or dissimilar are your current roles compared to what you witnessed in your parents’ roles growing up?

• What (if any) sources of pressure make you feel that you should conform to certain roles?

• Are there certain areas of labor distribution that are chronic sources of inflammation? (i.e. walking the dog. What have you tried to reduce conflict and what are some possible alternatives?

Role Reversal Exercise (Source: Prepare/Enrich): Plan a day or week when you can perform each other’s household responsibilities/schedule. This role reversal experiment will help you gain insight around each other’s responsibilities/routine and promote perspective turn-taking.

Conversations about the role of gender within relationships and households can be uneasy. Yet, leaning into the discomfort is likely to have a big payoff:  the process of listening to understand your partner and the process of collaborating on the household structure creates a vital sense of “we-ness” in the couple. It also promotes a sense of living out one’s values within the individual.

Love Languages

By Sasha Taskier, LMFT

We all give and receive love in different ways. However, many of us believe that once we’ve fallen in love and have partnered, we assume we’ve already mastered the ways to our partner’s heart. That, of course, may be true for some - yet, I sit with couples every week and continue to see the same dynamic in which both partners feel they are showing love, but neither of them feel themselves to be the recipient of that love. Both are trying, in their own way, and both are falling short.

Gary Chapman’s theory and approach to Love Languages tends to be a great entry point into this conversation, and one of the simplest ways to address the disconnect these couples are experiencing. His book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, helps to explain the importance of speaking and understanding your partner’s love language and vice versa. After years of clinical experience, he formulated five ways in which people tend to feel loved.

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Acts of Service

4. Physical Touch

5. Gifts

Words of Affirmation

“Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.” (5LoveLanguages)

Quality Time

“In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.” - (5LoveLanguages)

Acts of Service

“Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.” (5LoveLanguages)

Physical Touch

“This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.” (5LoveLanguages)

Gifts

“Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.” (5LoveLanguages)

How do you use Love Languages?

We tend to rank one or two of these languages highest - which is a great indicator that these are our primary and secondary love languages. Within each of these ‘languages' there is a wide spectrum; Chapman describes it as having multiple dialects through which we express affection. This allows us to become creative in how we can show our partner love.

I tend to have my clients each take the quiz, (provided for free online) and first examine their own results. As with any online quiz - it is not perfect and sometimes the questions can feel a little black and white, BUT it does begin to help you think about what does feel good for me? What is meaningful and why? A little curiosity can go a long way; many of my clients have explored the ‘why’ behind their primary and secondary love languages and have realized that much of it comes from their families of origin, or what was deeply lacking in prior intimate relationships. (For example, someone whose primary love language is Quality Time may have grown up in a home where their parents were always busy, and they desperately wanted undivided quality time, OR, perhaps that was the primary way their parents showed them love and care, so that has become the clear sign and pathway to feeling loved.)

Then - after each member of the couple has their individual results (and some insight and understanding around them), I invite a conversation of sharing. Partner X, can you share your results and insights with your partner, and give examples that would be helpful. Partner Y, can you listen, reflect back what you are hearing, and ask your partner how you can become an expert in their language. (Remember, you can have the same primary love language as your partner, but a different dialect -- this means, physical touch might be important to both of you but sexual intercourse might be the most meaningful way to connect for one partner, and holding hands in public might be more important for the other. So, better to ask than assume!) And then, switch! Partner Y will share their results and insights, and Partner X will listen, reflect and probe for examples.

In my experience, the most important part of this entire process is follow through. Especially after this exercise, keep your ears and eyes open for the ways in which your partner is trying to use your love language. If your love language is Acts of Service, and you see that your partner filled up the car with gas - thank them. If physical touch is your language and your partner offered to give you a foot massage after a long day, or you’ve noticed them initiate more physical intimacy between you - tell them you appreciate them and their efforts to show you love.

As with any new habit or practice, we are far more likely to continue doing something (that may not be comfortable or ‘natural’ for us), if we see the positive impact of our actions. This practice can become an incredibly rewarding positive feedback loop of love, or it can stop after one attempt. The difference between those outcomes is vocal acknowledgment of your partner’s efforts and words of appreciation (even if they don’t hit the nail on the head on the very first go.) Even better, if you swiftly reciprocate by practicing their love language.

Five Benefits to Premarital Counseling

By Caitlin Nelson, LMFT

You’re engaged! Congrats! Looking at your ever-growing list of wedding planning tasks, take a moment to consider adding premarital counseling to the top. Here are five benefits to completing premarital counseling with your partner before saying “I do.”

1.     Identifying potential future problem areas

Premarital counseling delves into topics most couples don’t usually think too much about before tying the knot. Questions such as, “How much input do you want from your in-laws about raising your kids?”, “Do you view debt as a shared or separate responsibility?”, “What feels fair for division of household chores?”, “How much time do you each need alone versus together?”, allow couples to begin talking about their differences, and potential areas of disagreement. Talking about how you’re going to handle your finances now, before you are fighting about how the money is being spent, allows for greater understanding of your partner’s thoughts and feelings. The more information you have about potential problem areas, the more proactive you and your partner can be about managing them.

2.     Improving communication in the now

Premarital counseling is an great opportunity to address any communication issues you and your partner have now, before they become set in stone and more difficult to change later. Learning how to share your emotions, listen to your partner, take accountability, and ask for your needs are difficult things to do. Premarital counseling provides tools to do so more effectively without blaming and hurting the other person.

3.     Setting up relationship expectations

We all have expectations about relationships and about marriage. Unfortunately, we often don’t know what those expectations were until they are not met. Talking openly about your expectations in premarital counseling allows for you and your partner to co-create your marriage expectations together and establish a shared sense of understanding and commitment.

4.     Discussing short and long term goals

Planning the future with your partner needs to go a few steps further than just the wedding. Premarital counseling provides the space to discuss both short and long term goals, making ideas about the future more concrete and tangible. It also provides an opportunity to discuss ways to reach those goals and move forward as a team.

5.     Learning new things about each other

Amazingly, there is always more to learn about your partner. Premarital counseling provides a unique opportunity for you and your partner to learn and grow together. It cultivates curiosity and a sense of adventure, establishing a positive foundation for you and your partner to embark from.