By Karen Focht MA, LMFT

BY Karen Focht MA, LMFT

Throughout my career I have found the challenge of infertility to come up over and over again while working with couples. 10-15 percent of couples in the US are touched by infertility in some way.  After attempting to conceive for a year, a couple can quickly find themselves thrown into the world of infertility and treatment.  Although there are many various treatment options available today, infertility can be a very lonely place.  I often found myself advocating for clients through resources, education and support through family and friends.  Although these are all very helpful and important forms of support, there was something missing.  This is where Shine comes into play. 

Shine is a non-profit organization that is dedicated to providing unique support to women who are faced with fertility challenges. I was fortunate enough to be introduced to Shine’s founder, Katie O’Connor, who shared her own journey within the fertility world.  Something that quickly stood out through our conversation was that the statistics are staggering and yet women aren’t talking about what is happening through their fertility struggles.   Through this realization, Shine was born.  Here are some details on what Shine is all about!

Fertility Friends Mentorship Program:  Through one to one support, the mentorship program matches a new member with someone who has successfully completed their fertility journey.  This is an opportunity to share your journey and challenges with a mentor who can closely relate to the experience.  Receiving empathy and understanding can make a tremendous difference throughout the overall experience. 

SHINE TOGETHER PROGRAMS:

In Person Support Meeting:  These meetings provide peer support, open discussion along with the opportunity to hear from a professional guest speaker.  “The goal is to create a community that allows us to laugh and cry, side by side, while celebrating our successes and battling our challenges, as well as providing knowledge to feel empowered throughout our journeys”.           **Meetings are held on a monthly basis

Virtual Support Call:  This is a group support phone call where members connect and share their fertility journey in a confidential format.                                                                                                                                                                                                  **Held on the last Wednesday of the month at 8pm CST.

Shine Social:  This fun event is an opportunity to learn more about Shine along with giving back in order to help continue the organizations mission and success.  Details can be found at www.eventbrite.com/e/shine-social-tickets-37693411007

For more information please visit http://www.shinefertility.org

Grief & Resilience

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

Grieving is a universal action, one that we embody as the result of a loss. Humans all over the world grieve through different customs, ceremonies and traditions (TED Ideas). We’ve even learned that certain animals grieve when they’ve loss a member of their family or pack (BBC).

Most commonly when we speak about grief, we are referring to the death of a person; yet, I have found that we grieve when there is loss. That loss may be a person, but it could also be the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, the loss of our health, or the realization that our dreams and wishes for our future can no longer be reached.

I recently read Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant’s new book, Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy. Sandberg, most notably known as the COO of Facebook, tragically lost her husband in 2015. She, with the help of psychologist Adam Grant, share a very personal lens into her grief story and process of recovery. They examine the impact of loss (in its many forms) on depression, resilience and growth.

“We cannot control what happens to us, but, we do have some influence over how we respond to the events and hardships in our lives” – Adam Grant

If you or a loved one has experienced a loss, or are even curious about this topic – I highly recommend this book. It is not only a king of memoir, but also a collection of stories from resilient people around the world, and a self-help platform with the latest research from psychologists in the field.

In the meantime, here are 3 of my favorites takeaways from Option B:

1)    Grant present Martin Seligman’s theory of the Three Ps, which can help determine our ability to deal with ‘setbacks’ in our lives

  • Personalization: “This is the lesson that not everything that happens to us happens because of us”
  • Permanence: “refers to whether you see negative experiences as global or specific, or as Sandberg says, whether "an event will affect all areas of your life."
  • Pervasiveness: “explains whether you see an event as stable or unstable, or how long you think the negative feelings will last.”

Sandberg describes this idea as our brain’s psychological immune system – we can heal and recover, but sometimes we need steps to kick into gear. Noticing when we feel one (or more) of the three Ps can be a helpful first step to challenging our mindset around grief, or feelings of ‘stuckness.’

2)    Self confidence and self compassion

Sandberg shared how after the death of her husband, she felt her self-confidence plummet; she was apologizing to everyone around her at home and work. She felt guilty – that everything was her fault. One of the most important components of recovery is self-compassion.

Kristin Neff defines self-compassion as: approaching yourself with the same kindness you would show to a friend.

Sandberg felt that her internal experience (where she was falling apart) matched how she presented herself to the rest of the world. Adam Grant suggested that before bed, she write down three things she did well that day. It may take some time, but focusing on ‘small wins’ builds confidence.

3)    Its important to talk about loss and hardship

We have a really hard time talking about loss and adversity. Even if it is on our mind – we may not say anything to that friend whose parent is sick, or to someone we know is dealing with the loss of a job, or a recent death in his or her family. We’re scared to say the wrong thing, or perhaps we fear that by bringing it up, we’ll be ruining that person’s day. (Psychologists coined a term for this, called The Mum Effect.)

Sandberg talked about the feeling of isolation she experienced after she lost her husband. She would be amongst friends or coworkers and while she knew everyone knew what she was going through, they never said anything. It became the elephant in the room that fueled her sense of isolation and despair.

Just ask; if you know someone is going through a difficult period, ask him or her: “how are you, today?” This acknowledges that every day is different, and some days may be better than others. It is simple and it may give the person who is grieving the opportunity they have wanted (or needed), to share.

If you are interested in learning more about Option B, and/or lessons about grief, resilience and growth, Sandberg and Grant have created a platform to explore these themes and hear stories from real people who have overcome unbelievable hardship and adversity.

https://optionb.org/

 

A Season of Transition

By Karen Focht, MA, LMFT

By Karen Focht, MA, LMFT

As I sit here at the office during my first week back from maternity leave I can’t help but reflect on life transition and what this can entail.  These days there seems to be so much expected from us in life such as family, work, and even self-care. I personally find it easy to rush through transitions and new stages in life with little time focused on reflection.  Life demands can easily take over and leave us feeling turned upside-down when a new season of life is upon us. 

As I approached the end of my maternity leave with my sweet baby boy, friends, family, and colleagues often asked me if I was ready for this time to end.  What I quickly realized was that although I was ready to come back to work, I had spent little time reflecting on this transition.  I mean, how hard could it be?  I had already done this once over 5 years ago.  I should have this down!  When I started researching the topic of transition I completely resonated with what I came across.  This includes allowing for realistic timeframes and expectations, accessing a supportive environment during a time of change, creating a new routine and allowing for self-expression. Sometimes we just need to let go of what was in order to truly embrace what is today.  This is something I am now focused on more than ever as I settle back into seeking a work/life balance.  Here are some articles I found to be helpful through my process of transition!

Keys to Handling Life’s Transitions

Understanding Transition Stress

How to Cope with Transition and Change

Rainy Day Blues

BY SASHA TASKIER, AMFT

It’s been a rainy, dreary few weeks in Chicago. I keep hoping spring is right around the corner, about to rear its head – but no. Not yet, at least. Talking with friends and clients, I’m reminded how profound an impact the weather can have on our minds, bodies and wellness. It has been over a week of rain and grey skies, and it certainly feels like our energy and positivity is being held hostage by the forecast.

Sometimes, only in retrospect we realize how hazy our brain has felt, how little energy we’ve had and how much we’ve isolated over the winter months. It’s invigorating to feel like you are coming out on the other side of the winter blues, and also a bit alarming to realize how deeply you may have been impacted.

Approximately 6% of the US population is impacted by S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder.) Symptoms include fatigue, depression, hopelessness, and social withdrawal. A milder version of SAD, called the ‘winter blues’ impacts almost 14% of the population. Most of the people impacted by these symptoms live in the northern parts of the country (not only because the temperatures are lower, but because there is less sunlight) and 4/5 of people impacted are women. (Mayo Clinic)

As Chicagoans, so many of us feel like our best selves in the summer months. We have access to an amazing city that comes alive in May & June. With a beautiful beach, walking paths, farmer’s markets and parks we remember that our city is filled with active, vibrant people and families who love to congregate outside.

While this is (almost) around the corner, we still have some time and may need some strategies for keeping our winter blues and S.A.D. symptoms at bay:

  • Get outside! If it is a beautiful day, take a walk during your lunch break, leave work early, go for a run. These days are few and far between and our bodies thank us so dearly for the vitamin D and exercise it desperately needs this time of year. (Do it, even if it isn’t very nice outside… your body will thank you.)

  • Get some light! Invest in a S.A.D light, or ‘phototherapy.’ You can read about it here and here

  • Be amongst friends and family. While rainy days can sometimes lead to isolation and hiding under our blankets, often what our minds and bodies need is community and connection.

  • Plan something you can look forward to. Organize a game night with friends, or plan a dinner with your nearest and dearest. Even schedule to watch a new movie at home for a few days away – excitement and anticipation are very powerful tools.

  • Get Connected.  If you are concerned that your symptoms may be more severe, you can seek out professional help either through your general practitioner or a therapist.

And remember, the more it rains now, the more abundance and beauty we will see this summer. Keep an eye out for all the budding plants and trees as we continue to wait out the rains. 

Mindful Living

By Karen Focht, MA, LMFT

By Karen Focht, MA, LMFT

I’ve noticed that in today’s day and age we often hear language around the concept of Mindfulness.  Even when recently driving in my car I heard an advertisement for health insurance, which focused on creating a “mindful moment” of reflection and awareness. What does this really mean, to be mindful?  What does it mean to incorporate mindfulness into our daily lives and self-care?

I recently attended a two-day workshop on Mindfulness led by Ronald D. Siege, PsyD, and quickly found myself challenged to the core.  The concepts of mindfulness that were taught during this workshop included seeing and accepting things as they are, experiencing the “richness” of the moment and freeing ourselves from having to “act skillfully”.  On the other hand, the training emphasized that mindfulness practice is not having a blank mind, detaching from our emotions, escaping pain and withdrawing from our life and reality. 

On the first day of training, Ronald Siege led a guided meditation that lasted hours.  Ok, to be totally honest it was about 30 minutes, but I found myself completely challenged through this process.  Why was it so hard to stay present in the moment?  Why did it feel like this exercise took hours rather than minutes?  Our brains are conditioned to continuously process thoughts that can often be distracting to our emotional process.  This is often how we cope to distract from anxious or painful thoughts and emotions.

As I sat in the midst of this mindfulness experiment, I found myself criticizing my inability to stay focused on the here and now.  My mind quickly drifted from my breath (where my focus was suppose to be) to my endless list of to do’s that were not being concurred due to attending a 2 day training.   The instructor immediately introduced the concept of “acceptance and loving-kindness”.  As I sat in self-criticism, I experienced tremendous validation in the idea that a wondering mind was expected, and that in these moments we can "gently and lovingly" guide ourselves back to letting it all go.  During this particular exercise the primary focus was on our breathing process. I can’t tell you how many times I had to lead myself back to my breath.  It felt like every 10 seconds or so!  Although it wasn’t a natural process for me personally, I gained so much insight into how easily I can distract myself from difficult thoughts and feelings along with the criticism attached to these feelings.  

Since completing this training I have found myself working harder to adopt the concepts of mindfulness practice in my day to day life.  It’s never easy, nor perfect, but it has created a new gentle and loving tone within.  Please take a moment to check out these resources on Mindfulness that include guided meditations. Give them a try and allow yourself to practice embracing the moment and providing self-compassion and acceptace. 

Resources on Mindfulness

http://www.mindfulness-solution.com/DownloadMeditations.html

http://www.sittingtogether.com/meditations.php

http://themindfulnessapp.com/

https://www.headspace.com/