New Years Resolutions

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

“The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals.”

— Melody Beattie

As the New Year approaches, I keep thinking about sitting down to write a lofty list of resolutions and intentions for 2017. The list sometimes feels endless: I want to break my sugar addiction. I want to heal relationships in my life that have gone unattended, or that have had conflict. I want to expand my gratitude practice. I want to find creative ways to give to causes I care about … I could go on and on about ways I want to feel better and be better in 2017.

People usually fall into two ‘camps’ of making resolutions: those who love to make lists, set goals and who find resolutions to be useful and empowering and those who feel like resolutions are a total waste of time, and usually set them up for disappointment or failure. (Of course, there is the secret third camp, those of us who are so exhausted from the year and so busy during the holiday season that the idea of sitting down to think about New Years resolutions is just not going to happen.)  

There is no denying that there is immense power in setting intentions. You can read about it in: ‘the power of your mind and setting intentions’ and ‘five steps to setting powerful intentions’. And, while I believe there is greatness in striving to be a better version of ones self, sometimes we’re not quite ready when the New Year rolls around. In fact, certain neuroscience research suggests that spreading out resolutions over time is the best recipe for success. No need to do it all at once!

A few tips for achieving your goals and making them more meaningful–

1.     Think about what you need more of this year. Talk about it with your therapist, your spouse and your friends. What brings you joy? What brings you peace? What combats your depression and/or anxiety? What is something you’ve wanted to tackle but haven’t gotten to yet? Start to make a list that serves you.

2.     Be specific with your goals. What does ‘getting in shape’ mean to you? What does it mean to ‘be healthier’? Choose specific things that you can stick to – like, practicing yoga twice a week, or finishing 3 water bottles every day.

3.     Measure progress. Perhaps this means writing down your progress in a journal, tracking it in an app, or creating milestones that you can use to track your progress. This feedback loop, hopefully, can act as a source of motivation.

4.     Share your intentions. Holding yourself accountable, in a more public way doesn’t mean you have to shout from the rooftops. You can share it with your friends, family, and/or therapist – and ask them to help support you in achieving a specific goal.

5.     Be patient and kind to yourself. This is hard stuff. We are all mere mortals. Be gentle, and remember that progress is not always a straight line, it can be forward, backwards and zig zagged.

There is a very tricky balancing act between pushing yourself to be better each year and being able to be gentle with yourself and remember, ‘I am enough – no matter what I do or don’t accomplish this year, I am enough.’ At the end of the day, no matter how much we achieve, if there isn’t some self-love attached to that self-motivation, it’s all for naught. (I love this manifesto by Jennifer Pastiloff)

So, to those of us who feel ready to tackle our intentions before the New Year, have at it! To those of us who set intentions and then slip up on the second day of the year, it’s ok. Mistakes do not mean that your intentions no longer count, or that you’ve failed. Keep going. And, to those of us just hanging on by a thread at the end of 2016: take a break; enjoy the holidays, catch up on your sleep, and reclaim your self-care. There is no reason you have to write your resolutions before January 1st, 2017. There is no rule that says you cannot write resolutions (or re-write them) in February, March, April, May, June, …or any other month of the year for that matter.

Perhaps you can keep this proverb in your back pocket and remember:

‘today is the first day of the rest of your life’ (Anonymous)

With that, wishing you a new year filled with motivation, love, care and peace.

Here are a few articles for inspiration for getting started & additional resources:

Self-compassion

Daily Resolutions

Ideas for resolutions

Resolutions from real people

Less Is More

REAL SIMPLE JANUARY 2017

As we are in the midst of the holiday season, I find myself engaging in more and more conversations, both personally and professionally, around the reality of burn out.  With obligations, tasks and even party attendance, it seems to become harder and harder to keep up each year.  So why is it we take on so much year after year?  Does saying no have to come along with an aftermath of guilt, embarrassment and a label of being insensitive to others feelings and needs? 

As I was preparing my reflection on this very topic, my office received the latest subscription to Real Simple Magazine.  I couldn’t help but smile when I saw the January 2017 cover; “Say Yes to Saying No:  Find more time for the things you love”.  The article mentions how we are socialized to feel responsible for the feelings and well-being of those around us. As we continue to say yes to more and more, we lose site of our own needs and in return are left feeling resentment, depletion and burnout.  Melissa McCreery, Ph.D., a psychologist, provides some great direction stating “Pay yourself first.  Self-care is what allows you to show up and say your yeses later”.  The article then goes into some great tips on how to say now well. 

                  1.     Start Small:  Even if it is declining a store credit card.

2.     Have a go-to phrase:  A simple “Thanks for thinking of me.  I have other commitments” will go a far way.

3.     Take a pause:  Think your decision through and if your not sure take some time and get back with them.

4.     Try “yes, no, yes”:  YES to the relationship, NO to the request, YES to offering an alternative.

5.     Keep it Brief:  Be direct and brief which will create less loopholes coming back at you.

6.     Don’t White-Lie:  There isn’t a need to be specific in reasoning or excuse.

For more information, check out these resources.  Our hope is that by saying yes to less you will find more fulfillment and joy through the season.  Happy Holiday’s from the Focht Family Practice Team!

-       http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/keep-holiday-stress-minimum-learn-say-no

-       https://www.womenshealth.gov/blog/no-holiday-stress.html

-       http://www.huffingtonpost.com/greater-good-science-center/5-research-based-ways-to-say-no-during-the-holidays_b_8649384.html

The Power of Reminiscing

The Short north, columbus ohio

I recently returned to Columbus Ohio where I had spent three years of my life post college.  During these early twenty-something years, I can look back to some amazing memories, tough challenges, relationship building and self discovery.  Columbus was where I started the beginning stages of my career, built a strong support system of close friends and met my husband.  It was where I first experienced full independence and allowed myself to dream big and push through fear of failure and change.

As I drove through the city with my closest girlfriend Jaime, we found ourselves completely emerged in our memories of that exciting and terrifying time.  Not only did we reflect on our memories, but we also shared new awareness of the present as it is connected to our past. 

Research shows that reminiscing can be a very valuable tool towards healing and growth.  John Kunz, founder of the International Institute of Reminiscence and Life Review states “each time an individual tells part of his/her life story, those who listen are like a mirror, reflecting and affirming their lives.”  This experience of nostalgia does have its painful side, yet research continues to show that by reminiscing, life can seem more meaningful and death less freighting.  It can counteract loneliness, boredom and anxiety.

So the next time you find yourself with this opportunity of reminiscing remember that this experience strengthens relationships, creates more meaning in life, increases feelings of contentment and links our past to the present.  

Five to One

I often find myself focusing on the theme of positivity with most of the clients I work with.  Early on in my training, I learned of John Gottman, a well-known professor who has devoted much of his life towards relational research, scientific direct observations and creating influential literature. 

Through Gottman’s research, he identified his “magic ratio” of positives VS negatives within a relationship.  Gottman states “as long as there are five times as many positive interactions between partners as there are negative, the relationship is likely to be stable”.  This really struck me, as it is very easy to get pulled down in negativity.  I also find that we operate from a platform of assumption.  For example, as I explore positivity and appreciation within relationships I often hear responses such as “he or she knows these things, I don’t need to say them out loud”.  Even a simple shift in directly expressing these ideas can create much positive change.

As I share this information with clients, I am encouraged and inspired to see dedicated commitment to the focus of positives.  So the next time you find your relationship or communication in a place of negativity remember the “magic ratio”.  Five to one!

For more information check out https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-positive-perspective-dr-gottmans-magic-ratio/

Quality not Quantity

By Karen Focht, MA, LMFT

Creating family balance can be challenging in today’s world and it often leaves us feeling as if we don’t have much time to really invest in the quality things that we love.  Creating experiences within our relationships is a valuable and powerful force.  If you find yourself struggling with pressure of lacking time, try to focus less on quantity and more on quality. 

As summer is quickly approaching an end, there are still many events and activities remaining in Chicago. One of our favorite things to do as a family is to attend the Jay Pritzker Pavilion summer concert series.  There is nothing better than starting your week with a picnic in the park together as a family.  Not only is there amazing music preformed with a stunning background view of the city, but it’s also free!  In the midst of busy schedules, I have always found it to be so worthwhile to invest this time together as a family.  So get out there and have some fun with these last remaining summer nights in Chicago!  Here are a few remaining concerts presented by Millennium Park. 

Millennium Park Summer Music Series

-       August 18th at 6:30pm Elephant Revival + Mandolin Orange

-       August 25th at 6:30pm Tortoise + Homme

Millennium Park Presents

-       August 27th at 7:30pm Chicago Dancing Festival:  Dancing Under the Stars

-       August 28th at 6:30pm Lang Lang International Music Foundation

-       September 9th at 7:30pm Stars of Lyric Opera presented by Lyric Opera of Chicago

For additional information go to: http://www.cityofchicago.org/city/en/depts/dca/supp_info/millennium_park_-upcomingevents.html

The Meaning We Make

By Karen Focht, MA, LMFT

I recently read an article written by a New York City based Marriage and Family Therapist, Esther Perel, who touched on so much of what I see both personally and professionally when it comes to relationship conflict.   The article, titled, “How to Stop Having the Same Fight With Your Boyfriend All the Time”, addressed different dynamics that play into frequent arguments for couples. I couldn’t help but ask myself “what is the meaning we make in conflict with our partners”?

While providing relationship therapy to couples of all different walks of life, I find that I am often addressing the common issue of repetitive arguments. Are we really talking about who is taking out the trash?   It is so easy to get caught up in content.  Content refers to language, circumstances and events within a relational argument. 

It is hard work to take that step back and look at the meaning underneath it all.  I often refer to this meaning as as Process.  Going back to our original question of “are we really talking about who is taking out the trash?”, the initial response might be “yes, yes it is important!”.  The reality is that the messages underneath it all are so much more powerful when it comes to implementing lasting change.   When I hear “the things we argue around are small and don’t hold much meaning” I will quickly point out this idea of Process VS Content to explore the meaning we make through our conflict. 

Here are some things to pay attention to as you switch gears from “content” to “process”. 

1.     “I STATEMENTS”

“I statements” work towards removing blame while creating an opportunity to identify and express thoughts and feelings. When you do “X”, it makes me think “Y” and feel “Z”.  X represents the content while Y and Z represent the process and meaning that is taken away.

Let’s go back to that same couple that often argues about the trash and switch gears to express the meaning made from this issue.  “When I see you haven’t taken out the trash “X” it makes me think “Y” our family home is not a priority to you, and makes me feel “Z” unloved and unappreciated.  Not only does this statement express meaning to the listener, it also helps the speaker identify what meaning they are taking in during conflict. 

2.      VALIDATION

Validation is not necessarily saying that you AGREE or UNDERSTAND your partner, but it is showing a level of respect, care and curiosity of what they might be expressing to you.  For example, responding to the above I statement with “I see where you are coming from” or “I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me” is much different than jumping directly into explanation or defense.  A healthy process includes validation and the willingness to accept one another’s experiences regardless of intent. 

3.     PRACTICE

I will often implement weekly check-ins with couples in order to intentionally practice looking deeper into the process within their relationship.  Making changes in our lives doesn’t come easy or naturally most of the time and we need to be patient with one another and ourselves in order to implement lasting change!  Try scheduling a weekly 15-minute “check in” where you are expressing process, using “I Statements” and paying attention to validation. 

So the next time you find yourself arguing about something in your relationship, I encourage you to take a moment, a breath and ask yourself…. “what is the meaning I make in conflict with my partner”? 

To check out the article mentioned above go to http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a60435/fix-the-fights-youre-sick-of-having/