Feeling Your Feelings and Why

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By Michaela Choy, LMFT

Emily Nagoski, a researcher who studies stress and sex, discusses feeling feelings like moving through a tunnel. As long as we can stay with our feelings, legitimize them, learn to be with them, and provide them compassion, they will pass and we will get through to the other side. Another way to think of this process is like a wave in the ocean. A feeling will come and go and learning to be with it is where healing happens. We generally fear being with our emotions because we are afraid, we will be stuck with them when, in fact, if we give emotions time and space, they will pass. Some emotions can become trapped in our bodies if left unprocessed. If they are stuck in the tunnel, they will stay with us and come out in other ways such as being irritable, snappy, or even manifest as symptoms such as sleeplessness, hypertension, and gastrointestinal malaise.

I’d like to provide a brief framework in being with emotion from Tara Brach called RAIN. This is a great practice for thoughtfully being with emotion.

1. Recognize what is going on - consciously acknowledge the feelings you have. A great way to build awareness is to do a body scan from head to toe and identify where your body may hold tension.

2. Allow the experience to be there - allow the sensations to be there without trying to fix them or make them go away. Practice what it’s like to sit in this space.

3. Investigate with interest and care - use your curiosity and think about why this sensation is here, what it needs, what is the sensation trying to communicate.

4. Nurture with self-compassion - imagine you are speaking to someone you care about, a friend or family member perhaps, and what words of reassurance and love would you provide them if they expressed this feeling? Direct these words to yourself. It might sound like, “I’m sorry you’re carrying this. Know that I’m here with you. We will navigate this together. It makes sense that you’re feeling this.”

Resources:

Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2020). Burnout: the secret to unlocking the stress cycle. Ballantine Books.

Guided meditation by Tara Brach using RAIN linked here.


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Michaela Choy, LMFT

Michaela Choy is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in therapy services for couples, families and individuals.

Michaela received a Bachelor of Science from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. She went on to pursue her Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from the Family Institute at Northwestern University.

Michaela has experience working with couples and individuals seeking help with anxiety, conflict, communication, and intimacy. She is a trained facilitator of PREPARE/ENRICH, which is an effective assessment tool used in couple therapy.

Michaela’s therapeutic style is strengths-based, warm and collaborative. She focuses on developing relationships with clients built on understanding and trust in order to safely explore change. She believes it is an honor to work alongside clients in their journey and works to promote an environment that is both culturally sensitive and safe.

Michaela’s strongest interests in therapy include working with couples who seek to strengthen communication patterns, improve conflict resolution, and build connection and intimacy. Michaela works with individual clients around family or origin issues, dating, and life transitions.

Michaela is a Clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), as well as a member of the Illinois Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (IAMFT) Chicago Chapter.