Reparenting Yourself: An Overview
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By Kayla Harris, AMFT
Reparenting yourself is an approach to healing that is rooted in inner child-type work. This takes a lot of practice and patience with yourself!
The first task is seeing that we were deserving of love, support, encouragement, etc. from caregivers when we were younger. Think about a younger version of yourself who was really going through a tough time. Imagine them sitting next to you. If you asked them what they need, what would they say? Would they be able to name a caregiver who fulfills these needs?
The second task is recognizing that our caregiver(s) were flawed humans and for whatever reason were not able to give those things to us. Deep down you may have been longing all this time for a parental figure you never got; one you may not ever be able to have because it simply is not possible for them. Over time, we develop schemas about the world, other people, and ourselves.
Examples of negative schemas:
“My father was unreliable so ALL men can’t be trusted”
“I am hard to understand, so I am hard to love”
“When I’m not perfect, I don’t have value. I need to work as hard as possible at everything I do”
“My needs aren’t as important as others’, so I have to do everything for everyone else before doing anything for myself”
These thoughts may have provided a sense of safety and security in our youth, but as fully developed people, they no longer serve us in that way.
The third task of this (my favorite part) is being able to intentionally give ourselves the things that we’ve been craving. As adult, you are likely dealing with the same unmet needs from childhood. NOW you have the agency to choose or ask for support in meeting those needs. Reparenting yourself means you can select reparative experiences for yourself that make you feel good or help you grow.
Some examples of reparenting may be:
A person who grew up desiring more physical affection from loved ones may surround themselves with friends who are consistently consensually affectionate.
Someone who wanted more encouragement or validation growing up may find it healing to practice positive self-talk and affirmations in the mirror.
A child who grew up feeling constantly unsafe may find peace in the ability as an adult to choose a home or neighborhood that makes them feels safe.
Parents: I am not blaming you. An adult child reparenting themselves does not mean you failed. Maybe there were times where you were (for any reason really) unable to give them what they expected and needed from you. I’d be willing to bet that you yourself have unmet needs from your own childhood. This is an intergenerational cycle that you can choose to interrupt. It’s never too late to reparent yourself! You’ve been yearning for things for far too long now and you deserve to give them to yourself!
Extras/Resources:
Article by Bryce Godfrey on impacts of unmet needs and some specifics about how to reparent yourself
YouTube video by Katie Morton, LMFT that provides an overview of reparenting using yourself and/or a therapist
Book by Yong Kang Chan provides a more in-depth look at the process of reparenting