A Couples Therapist's Guide to Planning Family Vacations as a Team

By Anne Decore, lmft

Family vacations are meant to offer connection, adventure, and a break from daily routines. Yet many couples return home feeling more depleted than restored, disconnected instead of bonded.

Often, the breakdown starts before you’ve even left home.

Someone has to research destinations, compare flights, book accommodations, coordinate schedules, pack for children, remember medications, arrange pet care, anticipate weather changes, and think three steps ahead at every turn. This invisible planning work is often referred to as the mental load. And if it’s not explicitly discussed and distributed, it can cause burnout and/or resentment.

There isn't one right approach for couples to manage the mental load.

1. Choose Your Team Structure Intentionally. Some couples function as co-planners. Others naturally settle into a "captain and first mate" arrangement, with one person steering the overall vision while the other provides support, feedback, and practical execution.

No model is inherently better. The key question is: Does our system feel fair, intentional, and appreciated by both of us? Problems tend to arise when roles are assumed rather than discussed, when one partner feels trapped in a role they no longer enjoy, or when contributions become invisible and unacknowledged.

A useful question to start with: "How do we want to divide the work of this trip in a way that plays to our strengths and feels good to both of us?"

2. Recognize Visible and Invisible Contributions. Planning responsibilities extend beyond booking flights and creating itineraries. The partner who researches every restaurant may be carrying significant cognitive labor. But so might the partner who loads the car, entertains children during delays, handles navigation, manages luggage, or remains calm when plans change.

Healthy teamwork requires recognizing that contributions can look very different while still being equally valuable.

3. Revisit the Arrangement Over Time. A system that worked when children were toddlers may not work during adolescence. A partner who once enjoyed organizing every detail may now feel overwhelmed by other life demands.

Rather than assuming your roles are fixed, revisit them periodically. Flexibility is often more important than symmetry. Questions to consider include:

• What parts of travel planning do each of us genuinely enjoy?

• What responsibilities feel draining right now?

• Are there tasks we'd like to trade or share differently this year?

• Do both of us feel seen and appreciated for our contributions?

4. Prioritize Partnership Over Perfection. No amount of planning eliminates every challenge. Flights get delayed, children melt down, and expectations collide with reality. The couples who navigate vacations most successfully are rarely the ones with the perfect itinerary. They're the ones who maintain a sense of partnership when things go wrong.

If you approach your vacation with the conscious goal of protecting your sense of partnership, the entire experience shifts. Whether your planning style is co-planners, specialists, or captain and first mate, the strongest systems are the ones that are intentional, flexible, and grounded in appreciation. Before you crack open the guidebook, spend some time talking about how you want to work as a team. The conversation may do more for your vacation than any itinerary ever could.

How to Set Boundaries With Your Phone While Not Feeling Isolated

By Nicole Carroll, lmft

If you’ve ever tried to use your phone less, you probably already know that it’s not that simple. Your phone isn’t just a device. It’s how you connect, unwind, stay informed, and sometimes even avoid things or feelings. So when people suggest cutting back, it can feel less like self-care and more like losing access to your life.

Many of my clients say some version of “I don’t want to be glued to it, but I don’t want to miss things either.” “Why does being unavailable make me anxious?” If that resonates, you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re running into a very real and common issue which is the need for connection vs. the need for mental space. Let’s talk about how to create boundaries that support both.

Before we get into strategies, it helps to explore and understand what’s actually happening underneath. When you step away from your phone, you might notice a spike in anxiety, a fear of missing out, sense of disconnection, or even guilt for not responding right away. This isn’t just about habits. it’s about attachment and safety. Your brain has learned that being reachable means being connected which means being safe. Therefore, the goal isn’t less phone time but more intentional use. Try asking yourself “when does my phone actually support me, and when does it drain me?”. This mindset highlights the choice you’re making when it comes to how you spend your time. 

Ways to Set Phone Boundaries:

Start With “Soft Boundaries,” Not Extreme Ones: Going from constant scrolling to full restriction is a big jump. Your brain will push back. Instead, try to implement smaller changes like not using your phone for the first 20 minutes of your morning or putting your phone in another room while you eat.

Replace, Don’t Remove: One reason phone boundaries feel so empty is because nothing is taking their place. If you remove scrolling, ask yourself, “what am I actually needing in this moment?” Is it a distraction, comfort, connection, rest? Whatever it is, then replace it with something that meets that need. Such as texting one person instead of scrolling or going for a walk with music/podcast. Boundaries work better when they feel like a trade, not a loss.

Create “Connection Windows”: Create a time where you check messages and respond versus always being available. This helps your nervous system relax because connection is still guaranteed, just not constant.

Notice the Emotional Pull (Not Just the Habit): Next time you reach for your phone, pause for a second and explore the feelings that come up such as boredom, loneliness, overwhelm, or avoidance. Your phone isn’t the problem, but it’s the solution you have associated to the feelings. When you understand the feeling, you have more choice in how to respond.

Redefine What “Being Connected” Means: You have to do the deeper work to break the current belief and narrative that you hold about connection and what that looks like. Connection is feeling understood, being present, and having boundaries in relationships. Connection does not need to look like being constantly available and responding to everything right away. You don’t lose connection by stepping away from your phone. You often make space for a more meaningful version of it.

Boundaries may feel hard, and that is completely understandable, but it is not impossible. It is more information for you that the deeper work needs to be done. Instead of becoming someone who barely uses their phone, a more sustainable goal might be using it in a way that supports your mental health and creating more balance. If this is something you’re struggling with, you’re not alone. Navigating connection in a digital-focused world is genuinely hard and it makes sense that your system is trying to keep up the best way it knows how.