Social Media Comparison Burnout

By Megan allcock, LMFT

It seems these days that social media is somewhat unavoidable. We use it to connect with friends and family, share photos and updates, and promote our businesses, etc. However, with the rise of social media has also come the rise of comparison burnout. 

Comparison burnout is the feeling of inadequacy or self-doubt that comes from constantly comparing yourself to others. Whether it's comparing your looks, career, relationships, or even your travel experiences, social media has a way of making us feel like we are never doing enough or living up to the idealized versions of others' lives that we see online.

One of the main reasons for comparison burnout on social media is the curated and filtered nature of the content that we see. It’s important to remember that people tend to only post their highlight reels of their lives - the vacations, the promotions, the romantic dates, without showing the struggles and hardships that they may be facing behind the scenes. This creates a false sense of reality and sets unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others. 

Another challenge that contributes to comparison burnout is the constant need for validation through social media. We have a tendency to measure our self-worth by the number of likes and comments we receive on a post, instead of internal validation or celebration from close friends and family. 

So, how can we combat comparison burnout on social media? 

1. Awareness: the first step is to be aware and frequently reminded that social media is truly a highlight reel curated with the best moments. It is rarely, if ever, an accurate portrayal of someone’s life. 

2. Limit screen time: try your best to be mindful of how much time you spend online. Notice how you feel when you’re not scrolling, versus when you’re interacting with people in real life. 

3. Increase self-esteem: practice improving your self compassion and view of self. Try to remind yourself that you are good enough just the way you are and your worth is not related to the number of likes, followers, and comments you receive. Focus on the aspects of yourself that you love regardless of them showcased on social media. 

Comparison burnout on social media is something I see everyday as a therapist. The rise in social media usage has only increased this level of comparison that is impacting people’s mental wellness.. By being mindful of the curated nature of social media content, limiting our time online, and practicing self-compassion, we can create a healthier relationship with social media. Remember, you are more than your social media, and your worth is not defined by likes or followers.

Taking A Pause

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Communication is at the heart of every healthy relationship, but there are times when conversations become challenging or heated. During these moments, it's crucial to know how to take a pause as a couple. Pausing allows both partners to step back, calm down, and approach the conversation with more clarity and understanding. Here's some guidance on how you can effectively take a pause when discussing something difficult:

1. Recognize the signs: Pay attention to your body and emotions. If you notice tension rising, increased heart rate, or a feeling of being overwhelmed, it might be time to take a break.

2. Agree on a signal: Before starting a conversation, agree on a signal that either partner can use to call for a pause. This could be a specific word or gesture that indicates the need to take a break.

3. Express respect: When calling for a pause, express your respect for your partner and your commitment to continuing the conversation later. For example, "I respect you, and I want us to continue this conversation when we're both calmer."

4. Set a time to resume: Agree on a specific time to resume the conversation. This gives both partners time to reflect on their thoughts and feelings and approach the conversation with a clearer perspective.

5. Take time to self-soothe: Use the pause to engage in activities that help you relax and calm down. This could include deep breathing, going for a walk, or listening to calming music.

6. Practice active listening: When you resume the conversation, practice active listening. Show empathy and understanding towards your partner's perspective, even if you disagree.

7. Seek support: If you find that difficult conversations frequently escalate, consider seeking outside support. A therapist can help you develop healthy communication strategies and navigate challenging conversations more productively.

Taking a pause during a difficult conversation can prevent misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and strengthen your relationship. It's a powerful tool that allows both partners to communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner.

Nurturing Mental Health Through New Year's Resolutions

By Megan Allcock, LMFT

As the calendar restarts, many people embark on the journey of setting New Year's resolutions. While common goals often revolve around fitness, career, or personal development, it's crucial not to overlook the importance of mental health in this pursuit of self-improvement.New Year's resolutions are typically associated with tangible, measurable goals. However, taking care of one's mental well-being is equally important, if not more so. 

When setting goals it’s important to be realistic in what you can achieve. Think about the values you hold that can influence your resolution choices. Try to avoid overwhelming yourself with a long list and instead focus on a few key areas that will contribute to a more positive life. Below are a couple of suggestions for mental health goals and resolutions. 

Prioritize Self-Care:

Incorporate self-care practices into your daily routine. Whether it's meditation, deep breathing exercises, or simply taking a break to enjoy a cup of tea, these moments of self-care can significantly contribute to your mental well-being.

Establishing Boundaries:

Learn to say no and set healthy boundaries. Overcommitting and stretching yourself too thin can lead to stress and burnout. By establishing boundaries, you protect your mental and emotional space.

Cultivate Positive Habits:

Integrate habits that promote mental well-being. This could include regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep. These lifestyle factors play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy mind.

Seek Support:

Don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or professional support if needed. Discussing your goals and challenges with others can provide valuable insights and emotional support.

Embrace Flexibility:

Life is unpredictable, and setbacks are a natural part of any journey. Embrace flexibility in your resolutions, understanding that adjustments may be necessary. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge progress, no matter how small.

As the year progresses, take time to reflect on your journey. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how minor, and learn from challenges. This reflective process can enhance self-awareness and contribute to a positive mindset.

In the pursuit of New Year's resolutions, let's not forget the importance of nurturing our mental health. A holistic approach to self-improvement encompasses both tangible goals and the well-being of our minds. By incorporating mindful goal setting, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support when needed, we can create a positive and sustainable path toward a healthier, happier life in the coming years.

How Compassion-Scarcity Can Challenge A Couple When Baby Comes Along

By Anne Decore, lmft

Compassion-scarcity can become a silent intruder during a couple’s transition to parenthood. This is a time of great joy, but also a time of great upheaval and new demands. If not addressed, compassion scarcity can silently sowing seeds of resentment and fostering negative interactional patterns.

Here’s how it develops.

When a couple is low on vital resources (as they are when a baby arrives!) such as sleep, time, and energy, compassion – the capacity to feel concern for someone else’s suffering – also becomes scarce between partners. In part, this is because when we are burnt-out it is simply harder to consider someone else. But another part is driven by the scarcity mindset itself: we are driven to withhold compassion by a subconscious fear of giving without reciprocation.

Here’s an example of what this might look like between two new parents:

One person says “I had a brutal night, I’m so tired. The baby was up every hour.”

The other replies “her crying woke me up too, and I have to go to work today.”

“Are you implying taking care of a baby all day isn’t work? It’s harder and certainly more important work than your job!”

“Oh really? Who pays for the house and food and designer baby clothes you purchase?”

And so on, and so forth.

At its core, compassion-scarcity arises when partners struggle to empathize with each other's feelings, experiences, or perspectives. This scarcity then leads to emotional distance, miscommunication, and resentment.

You can see how this interactional sequence is underpinned by a withholding of compassion. If a response of compassion was offered (“this is so hard, I’m so sorry. How can we support each other through this long day?”) at any turn by either partner a softening might occur, an opportunity for connection. Instead, each partner refuses to offer compassion because each partner isn’t receiving any compassion. Here they get stuck in the compassion-scarcity cul-de-sac. It’s a place that lacks curiosity and is defined by biased comparisons and score-keeping. What’s so unfortunate about this place is that two people who are going through the same stressor feeling completely alone in their experience.

You can guide yourself out of this pattern. Here’s how:

1. Build a culture of appreciation and acknowledgment within the relationship. Practice voicing validation, gratitude, and curiosity in times of low stress so that it still flows, out of habit, in times of high stress.

2. Name it to tame it. Notice the scarcity fear creeping in that keeps you from validating your partner’s experience and name it to yourself like this: “I’m afraid to give my partner empathy because I need it too and what if I don’t get it?” Next, have self-compassion about toward that fear: “This is a hard time, it makes sense, self, that you would feel that way.” Then, make a shift: remind yourself that the more you give the more you get. Tell yourself “acknowledging my partner’s hardship doesn’t mean my hardships are invalid.” Empathy tends to activate empathy – it grows the pie. There is room for two.

3. Take time as a couple to talk to one another about your individual needs (biological, psychological, and social). Talk about the ways you can create an abundance mindset when it comes to supporting each other emotionally during the transition to parenthood. Seeking professional help, such as couples' therapy or counseling, can be immensely beneficial to aid with these conversations.

Addressing compassion-scarcity in a relationship requires patience and mutual commitment. By consciously nurturing understanding and validation couples can create an environment that fosters compassion and strengthens their connection during the ups and downs of new parenthood.

Family Boundaries During the Holidays

BY JESSY WESTON, AMFT

While the holidays can be a season filled with joy and celebration, it can also bring challenging feelings, situations, and conversations. The holidays are an important time to make sure we are setting healthy boundaries for ourselves and our families.

First, what are healthy boundaries? Brene Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, defines boundaries as simply “what’s ok and what’s not ok.” A boundary allows you to define what is acceptable to you within any relationship or situation. Its purpose is to protect both you and others involved. It’s also important to know that setting boundaries is not always easy. In fact, it takes significant intention and effort. It means changing or challenging something that has historically existed.

How to set boundaries:

1) Identify your limits

To start, you can ask yourself the question, “what’s ok with me and what’s not ok with me?” This question can be asked within several different realms including, emotional, physical, financial, mental, spiritual, etc. An example of an emotional boundary may be reminding yourself that your feelings are your own and that you are not responsible for others feelings. A physical boundary could be deciding where you want to spend the holidays, even if that is different from what has been done in the past. A mental boundary could be altering the story you tell yourself about what the holidays “should” look like. These are just a few examples as it can truly take any form that you may need.

2) Share expectations with friends and family members

“We have our own thoughts, and if we want others to know them, we must tell them.” (Dr. Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No)

This statement seems so simple, yet it’s normal for it to be difficult to put into practice. It is normal to assume that those who know us should automatically understand our boundaries. However, that is often not the case and it can be challenging to express our honest thoughts and feelings with those around us. We can practice sharing our expectations (both what we want and what we do not want) in a respectful way by being calm and direct. The key is to use “I” statements. For example:

• “I appreciate the invite to spend the holidays at your place this year. I need some time though to not travel this year and to spend a quieter holiday at home. I’d love to find a different way to spend time together.”

• “I always feel overwhelmed when planning the dinner for our large family gathering. Can you please help me plan it this year?”

• “I’m not comfortable talking about my dating life right now. I would really appreciate it if you did not ask about it again.”

• “I feel a bit annoyed and embarrassed when you make jokes like that. I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making those kinds of jokes.”

3) Be compassionate towards yourself

It can be mentally and emotionally exhausting to maintain necessary boundaries. While people or situations may not always respect the boundaries you set, you did the best you could by advocating for yourself. It is important through it all to offer yourself kindness and compassion.