As we begin to embark on the holiday season, many of us are both excited for the holidays and the New Year, and equally stressed out by the demands that seem to follow in tow. Between social engagements, complicated family dynamics and the financial stressors associated with gift giving and holiday spending - what is meant to be joyful and celebratory, often becomes stressful. I’ve put together a list of topics that tend to come up around this time for many of my clients, friends (& myself!), with some reflections and resources meant to help us better navigate this season with intention and peace.
Schedules
Somehow, it feels like between Thanksgiving and New Years, there are very few, free days and nights on the calendar. Either there are work deadlines that needs to be met, or every spare moment is dedicated to holiday parties, to meals with family and friends and travel. While in theory, many of these things are supposed to bring us joy (and they are all meant to be fun!), it can feel overwhelming.
● What can you say no to?
In an ideal world we would all have the energy for the dinners, the work events, the cooking, the gift exchanges etc. etc. and that may be too much for some of us. What on your calendar can you say no to? Sending a simple message to the host, explaining that you are overwhelmed and need to cancel (but wish them well, and are thinking of them!), is important for your mental health and stress levels AND sets an example for healthy boundaries that everyone can benefit from during this season.
This is phenomenal book on helping us to learn to say no to avoid burnout (and lots of other things!)
● Can I take time for myself?
What does your work week look like? Can you reserve a night (or two?) for some necessary R&R? Perhaps blocking off a few hours over the weekend to relax, recharge and unplug. Maybe this means taking yourself to a movie, or ordering in dinner and eating in your pajamas. Whatever you need.
If you are partnered, ask him or her to support you in this quest. Can they clean the house for you, or make you dinner? if you are co-parenting, can they occupy the child/ren for a few hours and allow you some quality time alone, or time with friends? Can you gift this to each other?
● Gratitude reframe: While this is all overwhelming, and it is important to honor your limits, a powerful reframe to this conundrum is to focus on how grateful you feel to have friends who invite you places and a community that wants you to be present and involved.
Family
As we’re all riding the coattails of Thanksgiving, it feels important to acknowledge the significant focus on family during this holiday season; it can feel incredibly complicated and charged for many of us. Perhaps there has been a recent loss in your family and that person’s absence is felt acutely; or, perhaps there has been tension and conflict in your family for a long time (for a myriad of reasons) and you are feeling especially anxious to leave your environment to enter theirs for the holidays.
Whatever the reason, this season can exacerbate some of these pain points. The juxtaposition of the ‘cheery, happy family’ expectation (and hope) over the holidays, can feel even more disappointing when it comes up against the reality of the ‘complicated, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes fighting, family.’ Each year many of us enter into the season wishing for an idealized version of our family, and each year, we are faced with the reality.
● Use Thanksgiving (and Holidays in years past) as helpful data
Think back to last year, or even this most recent Thanksgiving. How did your family dynamics feel? What were your hopes and expectations going into the day, and what was it really like? Were there specific moments that felt / feel painful; why?
Use your experience and reflections to help formulate a plan for what you might need. For example: Did you do better when you were helping in the kitchen - volunteer to cook something. Do you know you need a break in the middle of the day - offer to run an errand, or go for a walk!
● This was a fantastic conversation on the topic and a helpful resource. (You can listen to it too, via Kate Arends and Dr. Anna Roth)
● Gratitude reframe: No family is perfect, but it is true that some dynamics are much harder than others and there are some familial wounds that have yet to heal, and may never heal. I invite you to hold that truth, and practice gratitude for our family in whatever way you can. Perhaps it is gratitude for health, for presence, for a nostalgic meal; for the way our siblings can still make us laugh until we cry even as adults.
Financial Stressors & Gift giving
What is meant to be a season of gratitude, giving, peace and joy - has also turned (for many of us) into a consumerism bender. Many of us live in communities in which gift giving is a requisite and the financial expectations around the holidays can be especially stressful. Here are a few thoughts:
● Be intentional with the gifts you are buying
Many of us already have so much more than we really need. It’s easy to feel stuck on the consumer treadmill that tells us we need new things and we need more of them, but I invite you to challenge that assumption.
Between Thanksgiving and New Years, we will throw out an extra 25 million tons of garbage this year. (via Simply Zero)
Can you gift experiences? Rather than gifting toys or things, could you gift someone an a shared memory? (for example, a trip to the Aquarium, or a concert to look forward to together.)
Presence > Presents! Gift your family and friends opportunities to support each other (for example, babysitting coupons for your friends/family with kids; cooking a delicious meal for someone and sharing it together.)
Give back.
■ We know that giving back is good for our communities, cities and the world, but it also is good for us. Consistent acts of giving back have been linked to less stress, higher self esteem, lower blood pressure, better mood and longer life expectancy. Win win!
■ In lieu of gifts, you could make a donation for each person in your circle to a cause that they are passionate about!
■ If you’re in Chicago, here is a great resource to find volunteer opportunities this season: Chicago Cares
Wintertime is hard!
On top of all of this, the days are short, the sun can be a bit elusive, and it’s cold outside! These conditions do not necessarily make it easier to keep a positive mindset. Be gentle with yourself and each other.
Think Hygge / and this
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of depression related to the seasons; read about it here; many find comfort in regular psychotherapy, and SAD lights.
A helpful resource in choosing a ‘happy lamp’
Get outside! Go for a walk - try to soak up the vitamin D available and get some fresh air when you can!
Wishing you all a restful and joyful holiday season.
Take care of yourselves and each other.
