Taking A Pause

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Communication is at the heart of every healthy relationship, but there are times when conversations become challenging or heated. During these moments, it's crucial to know how to take a pause as a couple. Pausing allows both partners to step back, calm down, and approach the conversation with more clarity and understanding. Here's some guidance on how you can effectively take a pause when discussing something difficult:

1. Recognize the signs: Pay attention to your body and emotions. If you notice tension rising, increased heart rate, or a feeling of being overwhelmed, it might be time to take a break.

2. Agree on a signal: Before starting a conversation, agree on a signal that either partner can use to call for a pause. This could be a specific word or gesture that indicates the need to take a break.

3. Express respect: When calling for a pause, express your respect for your partner and your commitment to continuing the conversation later. For example, "I respect you, and I want us to continue this conversation when we're both calmer."

4. Set a time to resume: Agree on a specific time to resume the conversation. This gives both partners time to reflect on their thoughts and feelings and approach the conversation with a clearer perspective.

5. Take time to self-soothe: Use the pause to engage in activities that help you relax and calm down. This could include deep breathing, going for a walk, or listening to calming music.

6. Practice active listening: When you resume the conversation, practice active listening. Show empathy and understanding towards your partner's perspective, even if you disagree.

7. Seek support: If you find that difficult conversations frequently escalate, consider seeking outside support. A therapist can help you develop healthy communication strategies and navigate challenging conversations more productively.

Taking a pause during a difficult conversation can prevent misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and strengthen your relationship. It's a powerful tool that allows both partners to communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner.

How Compassion-Scarcity Can Challenge A Couple When Baby Comes Along

By Anne Decore, lmft

Compassion-scarcity can become a silent intruder during a couple’s transition to parenthood. This is a time of great joy, but also a time of great upheaval and new demands. If not addressed, compassion scarcity can silently sowing seeds of resentment and fostering negative interactional patterns.

Here’s how it develops.

When a couple is low on vital resources (as they are when a baby arrives!) such as sleep, time, and energy, compassion – the capacity to feel concern for someone else’s suffering – also becomes scarce between partners. In part, this is because when we are burnt-out it is simply harder to consider someone else. But another part is driven by the scarcity mindset itself: we are driven to withhold compassion by a subconscious fear of giving without reciprocation.

Here’s an example of what this might look like between two new parents:

One person says “I had a brutal night, I’m so tired. The baby was up every hour.”

The other replies “her crying woke me up too, and I have to go to work today.”

“Are you implying taking care of a baby all day isn’t work? It’s harder and certainly more important work than your job!”

“Oh really? Who pays for the house and food and designer baby clothes you purchase?”

And so on, and so forth.

At its core, compassion-scarcity arises when partners struggle to empathize with each other's feelings, experiences, or perspectives. This scarcity then leads to emotional distance, miscommunication, and resentment.

You can see how this interactional sequence is underpinned by a withholding of compassion. If a response of compassion was offered (“this is so hard, I’m so sorry. How can we support each other through this long day?”) at any turn by either partner a softening might occur, an opportunity for connection. Instead, each partner refuses to offer compassion because each partner isn’t receiving any compassion. Here they get stuck in the compassion-scarcity cul-de-sac. It’s a place that lacks curiosity and is defined by biased comparisons and score-keeping. What’s so unfortunate about this place is that two people who are going through the same stressor feeling completely alone in their experience.

You can guide yourself out of this pattern. Here’s how:

1. Build a culture of appreciation and acknowledgment within the relationship. Practice voicing validation, gratitude, and curiosity in times of low stress so that it still flows, out of habit, in times of high stress.

2. Name it to tame it. Notice the scarcity fear creeping in that keeps you from validating your partner’s experience and name it to yourself like this: “I’m afraid to give my partner empathy because I need it too and what if I don’t get it?” Next, have self-compassion about toward that fear: “This is a hard time, it makes sense, self, that you would feel that way.” Then, make a shift: remind yourself that the more you give the more you get. Tell yourself “acknowledging my partner’s hardship doesn’t mean my hardships are invalid.” Empathy tends to activate empathy – it grows the pie. There is room for two.

3. Take time as a couple to talk to one another about your individual needs (biological, psychological, and social). Talk about the ways you can create an abundance mindset when it comes to supporting each other emotionally during the transition to parenthood. Seeking professional help, such as couples' therapy or counseling, can be immensely beneficial to aid with these conversations.

Addressing compassion-scarcity in a relationship requires patience and mutual commitment. By consciously nurturing understanding and validation couples can create an environment that fosters compassion and strengthens their connection during the ups and downs of new parenthood.

Embracing the Both/And Mindset: Letting Go of the Either/Or Perspective

By Jeessy Weston, amft

As a therapist, one of the most common mental hurdles I observe among clients is the dichotomous trap of either/or thinking. We are often inclined to categorize life into black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. While this binary approach may occasionally serve us in decision-making or problem-solving, it frequently oversimplifies our intricate human experiences and realities. I'd like us to consider a healthier, more balanced approach: the both/and mindset.

The Both/And Mindset

This way of thinking is all about accepting that different, even contradictory, things can be true at the same time. It allows us to see and accept the messy, layered parts of life. It's like saying, yes life can be tough, but it can also be amazing, all at the same time.

The Downfalls of Either/Or Thinking

Either/or thinking is a one-way street. It boxes us into corners, makes us judge ourselves harshly, and can turn little problems into big ones.

Imagine you've had a challenging day at work. You made a mistake on an important project, but you also received praise for your communication skills in a tough meeting. The either/or mindset might lead you to label your day as 'bad' due to the mistake. However, the both/and approach allows you to recognize that your day was challenging but also rewarding, that you made a mistake but also succeeded.

By transitioning from the either/or mindset to the both/and mindset, we create space for growth, self-compassion, and resilience.

How to Think in Both/And

Now, let's look at how we can start thinking in both/and:

Embrace complexity

Understanding that life is inherently complex and nuanced is the first step. It’s important to remind yourself that people, emotions, and situations rarely fit neatly into binary categories.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is fundamental in transitioning from an either/or mindset to a both/and mindset. This means accepting that you can be a work in progress and yet still be worthy and capable. Messing up doesn't mean you're a failure. It just means there's room to learn and grow.

Seek balance

Instead of choosing between success or failure, think about learning and growing. Remember, you can be strong and still have moments of vulnerability.

Question your thoughts

If you find yourself thinking in black and white, challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself, "Is it possible for both of these things to be true?" or "Are there other perspectives I could consider?" Most of the time, you'll find there is.

Seek support

Changing a deeply ingrained mindset takes time and patience. If you need support, seek help from a mental health professional who can provide you with tools and strategies to navigate this journey effectively.

Conclusion

In the end, life's a crazy, messy, beautiful mix of experiences and feelings. Embracing a both/and mindset allows us to see and accept all of that. As we learn to let go of the rigid either/or thinking, we open ourselves up to a more forgiving, balanced way of living. And that's something we could all use a little more of, right?

The Five Languages of Apology

By Jessy westin, amft

Did you know that there are different ways to apologize? What one person considers an apology is not always what another person considers to be an apology. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, the authors of The Five Languages of Apology, identify five distinct types of apologies. When we feel hurt, we may differ in what exactly we are looking for to feel the most heard and seen by the one trying to make amends. Identifying your apology language and your partner’s apology language can help you better understand each other and provide a path toward a healing relationship.

Types of apology languages:

1. Expressing Regret - “I am sorry.”

Expressing regret focuses on the emotional aspect of an apology. It is expressing to the offended person what specifically you are sorry about and demonstrating that you truly understand how hurtful your actions were.

● “I am truly sorry for losing my temper and yelling at you. I know that I hurt you very deeply.”

● “I feel really bad that I disappointed you. I should have been more thoughtful. I’m sorry that I caused you so much pain.”

2. Accepting Responsibility – “I was wrong.”

Accepting responsibility means being willing to admit that you were wrong and recognizing the mistakes made. It can be challenging to admit to our mistakes, especially if those mistakes have caused pain for someone else. However, for some individuals, hearing someone accept responsibility for their wrongdoing is the most important part of an apology.

● “I was wrong. I could try to excuse myself, but there is no excuse.”

● “I take full responsibility. I know that it was my fault.”

3. Making Restitution – “What can I do to make it right?”

For some individuals, hearing ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I was wrong’ may not always be enough. This apology focuses on finding a way to make things right. If you are the one hurt, you are looking for that “next step” and that reassurance that it will not happen again.

● “How can I make this up to you?

● “What can I do that would make this right between us?”

4. Genuinely Repenting – “I’ll try not to do that again.”

Expressing your desire to change is communicating not only that you regret what you did, but also that your desire is to not do it again. It may be difficult for someone to forgive if they see the same action being done again and again. This apology language focuses on how the person apologizing will change their behavior in future similar situations.

● “I regret what I did. I don’t want to do it again. Can we talk about how to avoid it next time?”

● “Can we put together a plan that will help me to stop doing this?”

5. Requesting Forgiveness – “Will you please forgive me?”

Asking for forgiveness gives the other the space to decide if they would like to forgive you. It is meaningful that the forgiveness was requested, not demanded.

● Can you please forgive me for what I did?”

● “I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I hope that you will forgive me.”

Questions to consider in identifying your apology language:

● What do I want the person to say or do to help make it possible for me to genuinely forgive them?

● What hurts most deeply about the situation?

● Which language is most important (or do I usually use) when I apologize?

References

Chapman, G., & Thomas, J. M. (2008). The five languages of apology: How to experience healing in all your relationships. Moody Publishers.

Goop. What it takes to give (and receive) a good apology.

Love Languages: A Give and Take with Couples

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

In my experience working with couples (and individuals), the importance on love languages is very prevalent. I see it similarly to the idea of showing support. We all have our natural ways of wanting to show support given how we know we want to receive support. But when the other person doesn’t need or want to be shown support in that way, they may feel the other person doesn’t care to fulfill their needs for support accurately. The same thing goes for love languages and the way we want to receive love.

We will be talking about the five original love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. It is important to keep in mind that there may be differences in your love languages based on how you want to receive love and the way you want to show love. I find this distinction very relevant for couples work because it can take extra effort to shift your focus of showing love if the way your partner wants to receive love is different than how you naturally show love. I always tell couples that if this is the case, it doesn’t mean you can never give your partner gifts if that is how you express love; it just means that you also must make a conscious decision to put effort forth to give your partner words of affirmation if that is the way they need to receive love. Another thing to note is that many people do not just fall into one category for love languages but may be a mix of a few or have a certain priority list for which they prefer/need the most.

Words of Affirmation: A partner desires being shown love or giving love through verbal connection and affirmations. This can be as simple as an “I love you” in the morning, a sweet post-it note on the mirror, showing appreciation and acknowledgement for their efforts around the house, or even a handwritten love letter. Someone whose love language is words of affirmation needs emotional intimacy through words and hearing that a partner cares and loves them.

Acts of Service: A partner desires to be shown love when their partner is physically helpful and partakes in certain tasks, so the other person does not have to. This can be concrete tasks such as the dishes, laundry, cleaning the snow off the car, picking them up from the airport after a trip, or making dinner. It can also be smaller things such as putting toothpaste on a partner’s toothbrush in the morning, filling up their water bottle, starting the shower for them, etc. When living with a partner, there are many options of tasks around the home that can be done to show acts of service especially knowing a partner’s everyday routine.

Gifts: People who love gifts or gift-giving don’t always view this is as some grand gesture. Often, it is the little things that can make a partner feel special such as picking up their favorite meal from the grocery store, bringing back something they were running low on, their favorite sweet treat, flowers, and anything that made you think of them. A person with gifts as their love language just wants a partner to show they love them by thinking of them in little (or big) ways in the form of a physical item. To know their partner went somewhere and thought of them makes all the difference.

Quality Time: A person who needs to be shown love through quality time just wants to physically and mentally be present with a partner. They thrive from doing activities with a partner even activities like running errands, driving around, playing a game, going on a walk, going on a date somewhere, etc. It is so important to keep in mind that quality time is different than just passive time together such as living together and going about your routines and watching a show or movie. A partner who desires quality time wants the quality in it. Maybe try putting phones away and just enjoying each other’s company one on one.

Physical Touch: A person or partner who needs physical touch to be shown love doesn’t always want the touch to be sexual, even though that is part of it. Physical touch can be as innocent as hugging, holding hands, cuddling, and massaging. They feel most loved through someone physically expressing it to them and feeling a partner wanting to be close to them.

Now that we have gone over the five original love languages, it is important to figure out which love languages you gravitate the most towards whether that be one main way of showing and receiving love, or a mix of a few. It is also essential to understand the way your partner gives and wants to receive love. Like stated before, you can still show a partner love in the way that is natural and feels good for you to do so, but it is necessary to also learn their love languages to understand how you can show them love and when they are also showing you love in their natural way. It is a way to better understand each other and recognize when your partner is expressing their care and appreciation. There are many love languages quizzes and books to learn more such as: 5lovelanguages.com and The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Family Boundaries During the Holidays

BY JESSY WESTON, AMFT

While the holidays can be a season filled with joy and celebration, it can also bring challenging feelings, situations, and conversations. The holidays are an important time to make sure we are setting healthy boundaries for ourselves and our families.

First, what are healthy boundaries? Brene Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, defines boundaries as simply “what’s ok and what’s not ok.” A boundary allows you to define what is acceptable to you within any relationship or situation. Its purpose is to protect both you and others involved. It’s also important to know that setting boundaries is not always easy. In fact, it takes significant intention and effort. It means changing or challenging something that has historically existed.

How to set boundaries:

1) Identify your limits

To start, you can ask yourself the question, “what’s ok with me and what’s not ok with me?” This question can be asked within several different realms including, emotional, physical, financial, mental, spiritual, etc. An example of an emotional boundary may be reminding yourself that your feelings are your own and that you are not responsible for others feelings. A physical boundary could be deciding where you want to spend the holidays, even if that is different from what has been done in the past. A mental boundary could be altering the story you tell yourself about what the holidays “should” look like. These are just a few examples as it can truly take any form that you may need.

2) Share expectations with friends and family members

“We have our own thoughts, and if we want others to know them, we must tell them.” (Dr. Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No)

This statement seems so simple, yet it’s normal for it to be difficult to put into practice. It is normal to assume that those who know us should automatically understand our boundaries. However, that is often not the case and it can be challenging to express our honest thoughts and feelings with those around us. We can practice sharing our expectations (both what we want and what we do not want) in a respectful way by being calm and direct. The key is to use “I” statements. For example:

• “I appreciate the invite to spend the holidays at your place this year. I need some time though to not travel this year and to spend a quieter holiday at home. I’d love to find a different way to spend time together.”

• “I always feel overwhelmed when planning the dinner for our large family gathering. Can you please help me plan it this year?”

• “I’m not comfortable talking about my dating life right now. I would really appreciate it if you did not ask about it again.”

• “I feel a bit annoyed and embarrassed when you make jokes like that. I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making those kinds of jokes.”

3) Be compassionate towards yourself

It can be mentally and emotionally exhausting to maintain necessary boundaries. While people or situations may not always respect the boundaries you set, you did the best you could by advocating for yourself. It is important through it all to offer yourself kindness and compassion.

Tips and Tools for Dividing Up Household Tasks

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Many couples often come to therapy to work on communication and conflict resolution skills. What we then discuss many times is conflict over household tasks and division of those tasks. I tend to find that the small things become the big things when left undiscussed and unresolved. This can lead to resentment and frustration if one partner feels that they are doing all of the work around the house. That is what we want to avoid. Here are some helpful tips and tools to lessen the constant conflict over keeping the home clean and tidy.

1. Express your expectations - Partners should be on the same page and understand the needs and expectations that their partner has for them and for the state of the home.

2. Compromise - There may be certain tasks or chores that are not you or your partner’s favorite to do (cleaning the bathrooms for example) so depending on how often you do these specific tasks, try to switch out with one another. If you clean the bathroom this week, then it is your partner’s turn next week. This way, you are still working as a team to get the task done. Also, keeping in mind that compromise may need to happen when it comes to expectations. Some things are not going to be perfect all of the time. You do want to be able to live in your home as well! Trying to figure out the middle point that feels good for both partners is important sometimes too.

3. Create a list of household tasks - Work together to come up with all of the tasks and chores that get done both daily and weekly. Then, discuss how you want to divide up those tasks to you, your partner, and to both of you together.

4. Discuss your daily schedules/routines - Depending on work schedules and daily routines, there may be certain tasks or chores that just naturally make more sense for one partner to do over the other, but make sure the amount/types of tasks still feels doable and fair for both.

5. Identify strengths and weaknesses - Similar to the tip above, there may be certain tasks that one partner can do a lot easier than the other so it is important to discuss your strengths and weaknesses together and divide up the tasks accordingly. What is going to feel comfortable and easy for one partner, may feel challenging and uncomfortable for the other.

6. Be compassionate and patient with each other - Some habits are hard to break so give it some time for you and your partner to improve on your cleaning routines and habits. If your partner has never put their towel away after showering, they are not going to magically wake up and remember to do this. It takes some time to break the habit to then create the new one. Give them gentle reminders to help, but avoid using blaming language or shaming them for forgetting.

7. Act as a team - Remember that you are working together; not against each other! This is a huge one. You are working together to keep the home clean and tidy. The problem in not you or your partner. The problem is the dirty home and how the two of you can fix the problem together.

Review of Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love by Anne Hodder-Shipp, CSE

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

About the author: Anne (she/they) is a founder of Everyone Deserves Sex Education which provides age-appropriate sex education to parents, youth, therapists, and aspiring sex educators. They also practice dreamwork & provide coaching focused on sex, relationships, parent-child dynamics, and more. See their website here for additional information!

Summary: This book focuses on updating the pre-existing “5 Love Languages” ideology as that was popularized by Gary Chapman. In contrast to those concepts, Hodder-Shipp has compiled 18 actions over the course of 6 years working with clients and tried to fill in gaps from the original 5. They synthesized their findings into this book while also acknowledge that it is not to been seen as an exhaustive list. Their aim was to put together a resource that suits diverse relationship configurations and demographics.

Pros:

 101-pages written in non-clinical terms for ease of reading

 Sex positive, expansive & affirming of varying relational and individual identities

 Applicable to self-love as well as the multitude of relationships with other that we experience – not just romantic or marriage-oriented ones!

 With each description of the “languages,” the author includes an infographic with some examples of how one may utilize them as well as examples of what they are NOT

 Purposely does not include a quiz (intended to promote fluid exploration of the different languages and decrease rigid ties to the concepts)

 Cost-effective ($2.99 on Amazon @ the time I purchased it)

 Offers a more inclusive update to current ideas and NOT an end-all-be-all list

 Provides a section at the end on self-soothing & co-regulation

Cons:

 18 different “languages” may be more difficult to remember than the popular 5 language model

 eBook only as of right now

 Does not include a quiz – some folks may find that disappointing

Take aways:

Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love is great for self-exploration! Especially for people who have maybe heard of the original 5 love languages but struggled to see themselves/their relationships in those terms. It could also be a helpful tool for therapists to use to normalize the many relationships that clients have. This book validates the expansive means in which people conceptualize love within different contexts- platonic friendships, work buddies, relatives, etc. Personally, I learned that I value Shared Beliefs in romantic & platonic relationships, Affirming Communication in my work relationships, and Accountability in my familial relationships! I resonated with some of the other concepts but figured I would name just a few.

My Rating: 5 out of 5 hearts! - for inclusivity, price point, and providing examples for the reader!

Here is the website for the book if you are in search of more information on the book!

This is a 12-min workshop on YouTube with an overview of the book & 5 of the 18 languages and how they can be applied to loving YOURSELF

The Vulnerability Cycle Part 2

By Michaela Choy LMFT

In my last post, I introduced the concept of the vulnerability cycle which you can read more about here. This cycle can be damaging in relationships and create stuckness. In this post I’d like to present some ways to move through this. These are some ideas I have found helpful in my life and practice. I imagine with some discussion with your partner(s) and therapist, you may uncover others.

1. Name the cycle and map it out together. As a team, write out the cycle that continues to occur. Focus on what triggers the cycle, each person’s perception of the situation, and each person’s response. Having a map of the cycle can unite us against what’s feeling hard and remind us where and how we can get stuck. After you map this out, I encourage couples to name the cycle as it’s happening to build awareness. This can also slow down the cycle and give us a chance to create different choices. Identify these choice points and list out some different responses that help instead of hurt.

2. “The story I’m telling myself…” We can often assume intent or make deep meaning out of situations. I encourage partners to intentionally articulate when they are making meaning or assumptions by starting with, “the story i’m telling myself is…” This can help in several ways. One, it allows our partners into our inner world. They can know our fears, vulnerabilities, and sensitivities. Without knowing these, they won’t be able to be loving and attentive to our needs. Two, it allows for clarification. We can check out assumptions and meaning making with others and they can help us see if that is in fact happening or if there is more to the story we don’t see. This phrase comes from Brené Brown’s work on shame and vulnerability.

3. Share survival strategies with one another. I explain what a survival strategy is in my last post. If you need a refresher, click here. Sharing where these strategies come from, how they served us, and how we benefit from using these strategies can deepen compassion and understanding in couples. It can also depersonalize hurt that’s happening in cycles. Sometimes we are reacting to our partners. And sometimes we are reacting to something our partner is doing that feels familiar that has nothing to do with our partner. Share these and one day you may have a richer perspective in these moments.

   These are great starting points for unlocking cycles. I encourage you to explore other ways for moving through these moments. A therapist can be a helpful guide in navigating this if you need extra support.

   References: Restrepo, S. (Director). (2019). Brené Brown: The Call to Courage. [Video File]. Retrieved from https://www.netflix.com/title/81010166 Scheinkman, M., & DeKoven Fishbane, M. (2004). The vulnerability cycle: Working with impasses in couple therapy. Family Process, 43(3), 279-299.
   

Relationship Attachment: The Importance of Knowing Your Attachment Style

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Before diving straight into the different attachment styles, it is important to first know what attachment and Attachment Theory even are. Attachment Theory was developed by a psychanalyst, John Bowlby who was studying infants’ behaviors when separated from their caregivers. Attachment Theory looks at how an infant is nurtured by a caregiver (loved, supported, neglected, abused, etc.) affects their attachment both in infancy towards a parent and later in adulthood in romantic relationships and friendships. With this said, attachment starts in childhood and continues in adulthood. Bowlby also studied the importance of infant’s independence from a caregiver to examine the difference attachment styles.

Looking specifically at attachment styles in adulthood is important for many reasons, especially when understanding how an individual shows up in a romantic relationship. The three main attachment styles are secure, anxious, and avoidant. Many people often do not understand why they show up a certain way in their romantic relationships or why they react to their partner when they are upset or feeling ignored, so knowing your attachment style can give a lot of insight for both you and your partner.

Secure Attachment Characteristics

• Feel confident that other people will be there for you when you need them

• Feel relaxed and joyful in relationships

• Rarely feel jealous or anxious that the relationship will end

• Independent and sure of self

• Want to care for a romantic partner and make sure their needs are being met (supportive)

• Easy to share feelings/needs

• Feel comfortable sharing private thoughts with partner

• Feel comfortable being close to romantic partners

• It is helpful turning to a romantic partner in times of need

Anxious Attachment Characteristics

• Overall feel anxiety in relationships

• Fear losing partner/relationship

• Worry partner will not want to stay with them (ex: if they make a small mistake)

• Worry that romantic partners won’t care about them as much as they care for their partner

• Worry partner doesn’t really love/care about them

• May be jealous, clingy/needy, self-criticizing, dependent, have a constant sense of under-appreciation or being misunderstood leading to anger

• May look for a partner that is critical, dominant, and inconsistent with affection

• Feel partner is better than them therefore able to meet their needs better than they can for themselves

Avoidant Attachment Characteristics

• Prefers not to show partner how they truly feel

• Find it difficult to let themselves be dependent on romantic partners

• Don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable with romantic partners (communication and sharing feelings)

• Prefer not to be too close to romantic partners (fearful)

• Both crave and avoid intimacy

• Don’t believe that intimacy and emotions are important (more important to be self-reliant)

• May be a loner

• Prefer spending time pursuing intellectual goals and avoid social interactions

• Attracted to people who don’t want to help meet needs

If this is of interest to you, there are many quizzes online to help figure out which attachment style fits you best. It is also important to understand how your attachment style may interact with your partner’s attachment style in different areas of life such as conflict, communication, stress, etc. For example, a securely attached partner may not fully understand why their anxiously attached partner is always seeking validation in the relationship so showing understanding towards a partner rather than annoyance or frustration can help make the relationship stronger and the anxiety decrease. It is also beneficial to understand how you might have shown up in past relationships as well. Attachment can really open your eyes to the ways you have shown up towards a partner and others, to gain more insight, empathy, and understanding in your relationship.

References

Fraley, C. R. (2018). A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research: R. Chris Fraley. A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research. http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm.

The Vulnerability Cycle Part 1

By Michaela Choy, LMFT

When couples feel stuck in their communication with one another, report the same fights over and over, and share that these conflicts are happening frequently, I consider framing their challenge as a cycle.

Generally, our fights with our partners become patterned at some point. We learned to fight from our caregivers, environment, and what we witnessed growing up and this can follow us into our adult relationships. Inevitably, our conflict style will interact with someone else’s and create a dance so to speak. This partner is also carrying experiences and ideas of how conflict is supposed to work and will bring this into relationship with us. We see when we do X with our partner Y will happen and so on. Some of these cycles can feel validating and move towards a resolution. Some feel stuck and painful. Some fall between those places.

Consider the cycle below. Notice that there are things called vulnerabilities and survival strategies. This cycle illustrates that when a vulnerability is tapped into, a survival strategy is used for protection. This same survival strategy can activate the other person’s vulnerability and their own survival strategy. Your partner’s survival strategy can activate your vulnerability. And around and around you go.

This is a specific cycle that names pieces interactions that are operating without our awareness. This cycle incorporates something called a vulnerability which you can think of as a sensitivity that we carry from our past experiences. These vulnerabilities come from past relationships, the context of the world we live in, trauma, and so forth. Some examples of vulnerabilities include the feeling that partners will always abandon us, feeling very scared and sensitive to someone yelling, and feeling untrusting of doctors or the police force. All of these vulnerabilities come from real experiences and our bodies are primed to react to protect us when vulnerabilities are activated. This response is normal and good.

Survival strategies come into play when a vulnerability is triggered. These strategies are highly adaptive. I have deep respect for the ways in which we protect ourselves from pain. They are called survival strategies for a reason, and I believe they help us get through tough and maybe even life-threatening moments. There are times when these strategies need to be here. I also know that sometimes these strategies can get in our own way. For example, when someone yells at us, we can shut down, get very quiet, and not interact anymore. This is an attempt at protection when our bodies recognize something scary is happening. For example, if that person yelling at you was a parent and or partner that you couldn’t get away from at the time, this strategy helped you survive those moments. Fast forward to another time in your life when that partner or parent is not present, and this survival strategy appears with someone new, it could get in the way of this new relationship thriving. Shutting down with this new person could leave them in the dark and leave conflict unresolved.

Prompts for Reflection

Pause here. Think about the stuck points in your relationship with your partner(s), and consider the following questions. These questions can bring up a lot. Give yourself permission to pause and come back to this as needed. It will always be here to explore. Be gentle in this work. It’s courageous to explore these parts of yourself:

In my relationship(s), when we have conflict, is there a pattern here?

How do I protect myself when I’m feeling vulnerable (what is the survival strategy)?

How has this served me?

 Thank your survival strategy for protecting you. It served a purpose and kept you safe. 

How is this survival strategy holding me back?

When I use this survival strategy with others, how do they respond to me?

What is this survival strategy protecting? What is the vulnerability underneath?

Where did this come from?

Do my partner(s) know where this survival strategy came from?

What would it be like to tell them about the origins?

Would they treat that information with love and care?

Do I feel like I want to share this information?

In my next post, I will talk further on how we can change these cycles.

References:

Scheinkman, M., & DeKoven Fishbane, M. (2004). The vulnerability cycle: Working with impasses in couple therapy. Family Process, 43(3), 279-299.

Four Relational Pitfalls and Their Antidotes

By Michaela Choy, LMFT

I refer to John Gottman’s research around the four horsemen of the apocalypse to better the relational skills of my clients (mostly couples) and myself. The four horsemen of the apocalypse are criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. All of us use one or several of these negative strategies in our interactions at some point. Gottman’s research found that the heavy presence of these behaviors will corrode a relationship by increasing negativity and distrust. These factors largely contribute to Gottman’s ability to predict whether a couple will stay together or separate after observing a couple’s communication for 15 minutes with 96% accuracy. These behaviors are that powerful and that indicative of relational success (Gottman, 2015).

How to use this information.

I will outline the four horsemen as well as their antidotes below. I encourage you to think about which of these are present in your communication with your partner. It may be tempting to identify what’s wrong with your partner first, but for the sake of this exercise, keep this focused on you. You have more agency and power in changing your own behavior than your partner’s. If you find this exercise resonates, perhaps you can encourage your partner to read through this blog post or refer to the resources I’ve shared below. Clients have the most success in using this information when they own which of the four horsemen they bring to their interactions.

The four horsemen in greater detail.

1) Criticism

This is a statement that expresses negative opinions or judgements about the other person. These statements generally target a person’s character or personality. Here are some examples: “You always forget to load the dishwasher. How are you so forgetful? I can tell you really don’t care about our home because you don’t clean up after yourself.” or “You’re always looking for an opportunity to leave me at home with the kids. You are selfish. Can’t you see I’m drowning?!”

The antidote for this is to turn your criticism’s into complaints. Complaints are more vulnerable, objective, and give your partner a way back in. A complaint starts with an I statement (“I’m feeling really stressed”) followed by an objective description of the situation (“when the kitchen is messy”) followed by a need or a preference (“can you start putting away your dirty dishes in the dishwasher?”)

2) Contempt

This suggests a superiority over someone else. This often disrespects others through mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or scoffing. This is often the result of pent-up resentment or unaddressed negative thoughts. Couples who are stuck in contempt are at the highest risk of divorce and are at higher risk of developing colds and the flu (Gottman, 2015).

The antidote for contempt is building appreciation and respect back into the relationship. Look for moments to highlight your partner’s efforts and increase moments of appreciation. Also look for opportunities to show affection (think about love languages) towards your partner. What you pay attention to grows. Get into the habit of noticing the positive parts of your partner and then make this known. Words of appreciation can sound like, “Thank you for making me a cup of coffee this morning. That really saved me time.” or “I’m so grateful you’re my partner. Thank you for listening to me vent about work.”

We can find ourselves in a place of contempt if the bad outweighs the good. Gottman has found that for every negative interaction, you need 5 positive interactions to balance this out to feel healthy and happy in your relationship. Start monitoring this ratio and up the appreciation and affection if needed (Gottman, 2015).

3) Stonewalling

This occurs when we withdraw from our partner. This can look like walking away during mid conversation, shutting down, appearing busy, etc. This can result from receiving too much criticism or contempt to the point where we need to disengage. This can feel protective, but when we stonewall, we are inaccessible to our partner so we cannot address what’s wrong.

The antidote to this is taking some time away from your partner deliberately and responsibly. Ask for some space if you’re feeling overwhelmed and use the time to regulate your emotions. Do something soothing (take a walk, read a book, listen to music, engage in an activity that takes your mind off the moment) for at least 30 minutes. Do not stew on the hard conversation. When you return to your partner, you will be in a better place to listen and offer your own perspective in a respectful way.

4) Defensiveness

We generally engage in defensiveness in response to criticism. It sounds like not taking responsibility for our behavior and blaming our partner instead. Here are some examples: “You’re really angry with me? I would help around the house more if you weren’t so mean to me!” or “I’m not the only one who yells, you yell at me all the time!”

In both of these instances, there is no recognition of the other person’s experience, and it sounds like blame which escalates things further. The antidote is taking ownership for the part(s) of the statement that make sense and acknowledging your partner’s experience. It generally involves some curiosity and validating statements. For example, it might sound like this: “I can understand why you want me to help out around the house. What are you needing?” or “I do yell when we argue. I’m going to try to work on that.”

Prompts

After you have a grasp of what the horsemen are, consider the following prompts:

- Which of the four horsemen do I identify with?

- When do I notice myself using one/some of the four horsemen?

- How do my partner(s) or loved ones respond when I do this?

- What are my alternative responses?

- If I try to practice an alternative response, what will make this challenging?

- What will help me? What can I do to set myself up so I can choose an alternative response?

- If I use one of the four horsemen, and catch my behavior after the fact, how can I take accountability?

- What does that look like and sound like?

Resources:

The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage work by John Gottman and Nan Silver

Brene with Drs. John and Julie Gottman on What Makes Love Last

Handout of the four horsemen and antidotes

References:

Gottman, J. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Hachette UK.

Sitting In Your Impact

By Michaela Choy, AMFT

Our impact on others can be positive; it can look like encouragement, understanding, support, love, etc. Our impact can also feel negative; it can look like betrayal, hurt, ostracization, misunderstanding, etc. When the latter occurs, and someone has the bravery to share they have been negatively affected by you, it’s important to make space for their experience. This looks like honoring our impact before we share our intent.

In these moments it is most helpful to be curious, to listen, and to validate feelings. These moments can be tough. It’s challenging to hear the ways in which we’ve hurt others. When this happens, we are pulled to respond with our intention - “But you’re not understanding where I was coming from or what was happening for me…if you knew, you wouldn’t feel that way.” We need to resist the urge to respond with our intention first because this sounds defensive and therefore feels invalidating. Here are some helpful responses instead that make space for another’s experience:

- Thank the person for sharing with you.

- “I’m so grateful you told me, otherwise, I wouldn’t have known you were hurting.”

- Speaking to understand. Sharing your intention will come later.

- Be curious and ask questions

- What did you need from me instead?

- What else are you feeling?

- Is there more you need to share with me?

If you feel defensive, try the following:

- Remind yourself of your worth

- You are more than this moment and you are allowed to stumble. This is how we learn and grow.

- Slow Down

- The pull to defend is strong and automatic. Interrupt this by slowing down, take a breath, or restate what you’re hearing.

- Name it

- Share that you are getting defensive and notice that you need to shift modes. This keeps you accountable and will signal to others that you need some time to regulate. You can ask for a short time out if you need to gather yourself.

The appropriate time to share intention is after the hurt person feels understood. The easiest way to gauge this is to ask if they feel understood or if there is more you need to know. Once this is achieved, ask for permission to share where you were coming from. If now is not a good time, establish another time to connect.

Understanding Anger

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Many people have a hard time managing anger. Some deny it completely, splitting off their emotions and suppressing their needs. Others experience it intensely, escalating into anger quickly when in conflict with a spouse or child, for example. Few experience it in a productive way. Much of how we respond to anger is based on how anger was modeled for us in our homes growing up. Was it the primary way of communicating? Was it deemed shameful? Could anger be talked about in an open way? Do we shut it down in ourselves because we had a parent who was quick to anger? The good news is that despite how we were conditioned to orient ourselves toward the emotion of anger in our early lives, we can learn to gain control over it in adulthood and even use it to our benefit.

When anger is excessive, frequent or disruptive to our functioning and relationships we need to work on anger reduction. Here are some key methods.

PHYSICAL AROUSAL SELF-AWARENESS

When an aversive thought or incident occurs that triggers our brain’s fight or flight response, a cascade of physiological reactions follows: stress hormones are secreted, the heart speeds up, our muscles tighten, breathing increases, and sweating may occur. In this state, our bodies are readied for action and our behavior becomes hyper-reactive. Practicing physiological awareness, or “self-monitoring” means we are able to identify that our fight-or-flight system has gotten the better of us and we are able hit the pause button. Interrupting the amygdala’s activation and letting the mind and body cool down is a simple, yet critical step in taking control over anger. Labeling what we are feeling, deep breathing, meditation, exercise, and yoga are some proven ways of regulating emotion.

RECONNECTING TO OUR PROBLEM-SOLVING CAPACITY

Writes Greenberg and Goldman in Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy (2008), “in couples conflict, partners rapidly explode with rage or freeze in fear well before they have any conscious sense of what is happening or can regulate their emotional response (p.21).” Practicing a time-out when one or both partners is flooded with anger increases the likelihood that, upon reconvening later, the capacity for problem solving and perspective turn-taking will have returned. This is because when we are filled with anger our capacity for creative thinking and problem solving is blocked. The part of the brain engaged in these processes, the pre-frontal cortex, goes completely off-line. If we can reduce the anger to a moderate level of arousal, we can engage in a thoughtful, systemic examination of the problem. Taking a break/hitting pause allows us to slow down and get in touch with our ability for reflection. I advise clients to use the time-out to focus on what you want the other person to really hear and understand about you. I remind clients that the anger response does the opposite – makes it near impossible for people to hear your needs. And, the anger response almost always leads to more conflict. This is because anger causes us to experience cognitive or perceptual distortions and deficiencies. We become governed by biased attributional thinking, meaning the stories we tell ourselves about why things happen are inherently negative.

SHORT TERM V. LONG TERM CONSEQUENCES

In the short term, anger often leads to compliance. However, intimidation to get what you want is irrevocably costly to interpersonal relationships. Your child or spouse may do what you want, but lose respect for you, carry resentment, and conceal things from you in the future to avoid your reactivity. Remembering that frequent and excessive anger will lead to dishonesty in your relationships long term is a tool to help you choose the pause button.

PAY ATTENTION TO THE THOUGHTS

To adopt alternative responses we need to first understand that our thoughts drive our feelings. Identifying the thoughts that are associated with anger episodes is the first step to reclaiming control and choice. When we become conscious of the self-talk that precedes the anger, we can begin to build flexibility around those rigid thought patterns or core beliefs. We can draw out the thread of self-talk and engage in a meaningful dialogue with that narrative which underlies the anger. If we learn to tune in our inner worlds, anger can cue our attention toward a more vulnerable primary emotion like shame or fear that is the root cause of the anger. The Tree Metaphor (see image) is one I share with clients often to help them understand that our behavioral displays are the surface level defenses that we use to manage and hide our underlying emotional experience.

USING ANGER TO OUR BENEFIT

Suppressing anger is not a healthy alternative either; internalizing anger can lead to depression and deteriorate self-esteem. Therefore, we want to strive for the healthy middle ground where we are open to what anger wants us to pay attention to, but we aren’t carried away with angry behavior. Anger can be a very valuable emotion, in fact. It can alert us to important boundary violations. Anger tells us that we need to pay attention to our needs. When we, in turn, express ourselves respectfully to others, this feedback loop is working successfully.

Lessons on Truth and Love from Tara Westover

By Michaela Choy, AMFT

A major way I continue learning as a therapist is through reading. Writers have a beautiful ability to capture what it is to be human. Through stories I am exposed to many worlds that are different from my own which builds my empathy, curiosity, and connection to others.

One of my favorite books that I reference in therapy and reflect on in my personal life is Educated, a memoir by Tara Westover. In her story, she shares the experience of being a Mormon, white woman growing up on a mountain in Idaho with her family. Her world is extreme and insular. Paranoia keeps the family isolated, the children do not attend school, and the family is wary of western medicine. The family is fixated on the end of the world and spends it’s time burying fuel and canning peaches. Some of the details are so shocking, and truthfully, so disturbing, I couldn’t believe this was real or a relatable experience. The more I read, the more I saw the humanity in her story and themes that connect us all. Two of these themes include the danger of mistaking your reality as the only truth and maintaining loving boundaries with difficult and hurtful family members.

Our version of the truth.

“Everything I had worked for, all my years of study, had been to purchase for myself this one privilege: to see and experience more truths than those given to me by my father, and to use those truths to construct my own mind.”

Our perspective of the world is shaped by our personal experiences and the people around us. Much of this is influenced by our caregivers. From this, we develop rules that guide our ability to move through the world informing our choices and how we see ourselves and others. In the beginning of Westover’s story, the rules are clear: men have power and influence, higher education is a waste of time, and the only people you can trust are your family. Additionally, her father encouraged a specific version of history - one that excluded slavery and the Holocaust.

Westover shares that for a long time, she experienced her father’s observations and beliefs as truth instead of truth particular to him. It was only after she spent time learning new versions of history and witnessing other paths in life, did she realize the narrowness of her lens. Westover stresses the recognition that our version of the world is not the only version, rather it is one of many perspectives. Our ability to hold multiple perspectives for ourselves and others, and to entertain many paths for ourselves and others, is crucial in the development of respect and empathy. Many of us accept our family rules and expectations as the only way, and we must all go through the journey of deciding for ourselves what is worth keeping and what is worth expanding.

Maintaining distance in order to love.

“You can love someone, and still choose to say goodbye to them.”

“You can miss a person everyday and still be glad they are no longer in your life.”

Later in the book, Westover is confronted with the agonizing choice to distance herself from her family. Later in her journey, it becomes clear that they do not accept the woman she has become and the way she sees the world. They are challenging and disapproving, and it is painful and unsafe to be around them. Westover concludes that in order to keep loving them, she can’t have them in her life.

Often we conflate love for family with an obligation to persevere through pain and suffering in order to maintain the relationship. Our society stresses that family is everything and we must stay in relationship at all costs. This pressure comes up so much in my work with clients. The guilt from holding boundaries and the pain from missing our family makes holding a boundary seem wrong. Westover’s story offers a compassionate viewpoint on the decision to distance: whether or not her family belongs in her life is separate from her love for them. Westover continues to love her family AND maintains distance in order to protect herself. She recognizes that in order for her family to be in her life, they must change, and whether or not they change is something she has no control over. These are powerful lessons we need to hear especially around the holidays. You have permission to hold boundaries. It doesn’t mean that you love your family any less, and you cannot change them, they hold that power and privilege for themselves.

This book is thought-provoking, validating, and connecting. I’m looking forward to reading this again soon.

References:

Westover, T. (2018). Educated: A memoir. Random House.