How Compassion-Scarcity Can Challenge A Couple When Baby Comes Along

By Anne Decore, lmft

Compassion-scarcity can become a silent intruder during a couple’s transition to parenthood. This is a time of great joy, but also a time of great upheaval and new demands. If not addressed, compassion scarcity can silently sowing seeds of resentment and fostering negative interactional patterns.

Here’s how it develops.

When a couple is low on vital resources (as they are when a baby arrives!) such as sleep, time, and energy, compassion – the capacity to feel concern for someone else’s suffering – also becomes scarce between partners. In part, this is because when we are burnt-out it is simply harder to consider someone else. But another part is driven by the scarcity mindset itself: we are driven to withhold compassion by a subconscious fear of giving without reciprocation.

Here’s an example of what this might look like between two new parents:

One person says “I had a brutal night, I’m so tired. The baby was up every hour.”

The other replies “her crying woke me up too, and I have to go to work today.”

“Are you implying taking care of a baby all day isn’t work? It’s harder and certainly more important work than your job!”

“Oh really? Who pays for the house and food and designer baby clothes you purchase?”

And so on, and so forth.

At its core, compassion-scarcity arises when partners struggle to empathize with each other's feelings, experiences, or perspectives. This scarcity then leads to emotional distance, miscommunication, and resentment.

You can see how this interactional sequence is underpinned by a withholding of compassion. If a response of compassion was offered (“this is so hard, I’m so sorry. How can we support each other through this long day?”) at any turn by either partner a softening might occur, an opportunity for connection. Instead, each partner refuses to offer compassion because each partner isn’t receiving any compassion. Here they get stuck in the compassion-scarcity cul-de-sac. It’s a place that lacks curiosity and is defined by biased comparisons and score-keeping. What’s so unfortunate about this place is that two people who are going through the same stressor feeling completely alone in their experience.

You can guide yourself out of this pattern. Here’s how:

1. Build a culture of appreciation and acknowledgment within the relationship. Practice voicing validation, gratitude, and curiosity in times of low stress so that it still flows, out of habit, in times of high stress.

2. Name it to tame it. Notice the scarcity fear creeping in that keeps you from validating your partner’s experience and name it to yourself like this: “I’m afraid to give my partner empathy because I need it too and what if I don’t get it?” Next, have self-compassion about toward that fear: “This is a hard time, it makes sense, self, that you would feel that way.” Then, make a shift: remind yourself that the more you give the more you get. Tell yourself “acknowledging my partner’s hardship doesn’t mean my hardships are invalid.” Empathy tends to activate empathy – it grows the pie. There is room for two.

3. Take time as a couple to talk to one another about your individual needs (biological, psychological, and social). Talk about the ways you can create an abundance mindset when it comes to supporting each other emotionally during the transition to parenthood. Seeking professional help, such as couples' therapy or counseling, can be immensely beneficial to aid with these conversations.

Addressing compassion-scarcity in a relationship requires patience and mutual commitment. By consciously nurturing understanding and validation couples can create an environment that fosters compassion and strengthens their connection during the ups and downs of new parenthood.

Not Your Typical Date Night

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Date nights have always seemed to be such a huge topic discussed for couples when it comes to connecting with one another and spending quality time. I discuss this with my clients all the time and think it is so incredibly important! But I also think there is a misconception that date “nights” need to be dinner and a movie or dinner and drinks, or something having to do with spending money. Sure, that is one way of going about having dates, but it doesn’t always have to be at night, and it doesn’t always have to cost money.

I completely understand that for those who go into the office and work a 9am-5pm job that your schedule is a bit less flexible. You can still come home and spend some time before bed at least once a week with your partner. I also think many couples (specifically those who do work at home) think that living together and being around one another is spending time, but there is a difference between that and spending quality time where you are interacting and sharing an experience.

There are so many free post work activities you can do with a partner such as cooking dinner together, going for a walk, exploring a new area of your town that you don’t usually go to, playing a card/board game, having a movie night in the living room, using the free Gottman Card Decks app and asking each other questions, going to a museum, doing an at-home workout together, and many more! Those are just a few options that don’t cost any money and don’t really take too much time. I understand after work, you might be exhausted and not in the mood to do much, but even doing one of these dates once a week can make such a difference feeling connected and in tune with one another.

For those of you that have more flexibility in your schedule throughout the day and don’t necessarily have a 9-5 job, you can still implement these dates at different times in the day, such as sitting down and having coffee or breakfast together, going for a walk, doing a workout, having a picnic in a different area or even your yard, etc. The book “8 Dates” by John and Julie Gottman is another cheap way to have meaningful and intention dates with your partner, and you’re reading something together as well.

Sometimes you must prioritize one another and find a time that works in your everyday routines. Especially those partners that crave quality time as their love language, this is a need that has to be met to feel loved, cared about, connected, and  listened to, so work as a team to find the time that is best. That may be different given the week, but that’s okay. Be creative! Find activities that the two of you really enjoy together whether that costs money or not but remember if you are trying to save money and are on a budget, dates do not have to be an added expense to worry about. There are so many free options and fun things you can do, especially when trying to take advantage of the weather while it is nice out!