Put You Family Values on Your Fridge

By anne decore, lmft

Creating a family values statement is a thought-provoking and bonding exercise for families to engage in together. The process of forming a statement provides children an opportunity to feel valued and included in family decisions and gives them an opportunity to practice important skills like self-expression and perspective-taking.

Below are questions that are meant to spark deep reflections and discussions among family members. By exploring these brainstorming questions together, you can uncover and articulate the values that are most important to you.

• What does our family believe in and stand for?

• What are the core principles and virtues that are most important to our family?

• What kind of family culture do we want to cultivate?

• What values do we want to pass on to future generations?

• What are our family's strengths and unique qualities?

• What values will help us navigate challenges and difficult times together?

• How do we want to treat one another as family members?

• What values do we want to embody in our relationships with others outside the family?

• How do we want to contribute to our community and the world at large?

Now you have a list of words and ideas. Next, define each value. Take each value identified and define it clearly. Discuss as a family what each value means to you and how it will be manifest in your daily lives. For example, if one of your values is "respect," discuss what respect looks like in your interactions with each other and others outside the family.

Then, craft the statement. Have fun with this. Let everyone contribute so that it reflects your collective vision and aspirations, your family spirit. Make it memorable and easy to understand for everyone in the family.

Display and revisit regularly. Once finalized, display the family values statement prominently in your home where everyone can see it (I like the fridge because it gets a lot of traffic!). This serves as a reminder and reinforces the importance of living by those values. Regularly revisit and discuss the statement as a family, revising as necessary if you feel you need to add or tweak your existing statement.

A family values statement provides a guiding framework that helps connect family members and shapes the identity of the family. It serves as a touchstone in decision-making and offers a common language for reinforcing positive behaviors and addressing conflicts within the family.

10 Ways To Practice Mindfulness This Winter Season

By Bree Minger, AMFT

The winter tends to feel like a whirlwind. The holidays start in November and keep us busy all the way to January when we decide to test ourselves with New Year’s resolutions. After that tends to peter off then comes the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day. Many of these celebrations may induce anxious or depressive feelings about one’s relationships with family, romantic partners or singleness. Additionally, this season can lead to many celebrations which often include heavier drinking or substance use. During this time of year, it is too easy to get caught up in hurry or expectations of status leaving many of us feeling drained or overwhelmed. 

Alternatively, winter can be a very fruitful time of rest. A period of hibernation to reflect and prepare for the next season to come– whether that be a new relationship, a new season of singleness, learning how to manage anxiety or depression or simply the shift to spring weather. Through all of these changes and challenges, one can practice rest through mindfulness. Mindfulness is proven to decrease feelings of anxiety, depression, pain, stress, insomnia and high blood pressure. Overall mindfulness can be practiced in many ways, as long as the body and brain are slowing down to pay attention to one’s senses and experience. 

Here are 10 ways to be practice mindfulness for the remainder of the winter season: 

1. Find joy in simple pleasures. Whether reading a book or watching the snowfall, try to slow down the moment and notice the beauty or tranquility. Breathe in the peace and breathe out any distractions from that present moment. 

2. Mindful eating can help slow your thoughts, emotions and prolong the enjoyment of the meal. Next time you eat your favorite snack or food, focus on each bite, relishing in the flavors you taste or the food’s texture. 

3. Breathing is very powerful when it comes to slowing our bodies down. Paying attention to exhales in particular can regulate our nervous system rapidly. Even apps on smart watches can aid in practicing deep breathing for just 1 to 2 minutes a day. 

4. Body scans can be helpful to notice sensations and connect these to emotions you may be experiencing. Body scans can be incorporated into therapy, or helpful guides can be found on youtube or elsewhere online. 

5. Slow down daily moments. From making your bed, to brushing your teeth, to showering there are many opportunities to set intentions for the day. Perhaps choose a daily moment to focus on what you may need that day, or how you can show up for someone else. Use the time to set a small daily goal that is achievable. 

6. Practicing gratitude can be an effective way to reflect on the day. Either at the end of the work day or while getting ready for bed reflect on one part of your day that stood out or one person for whom you are grateful. 

7. Progressive muscle relaxation can be an entry level meditation if mindfulness is uncomfortable. Again, a meditation like this can be incorporated into therapy sessions or guides are easily found online. 

8. Walking meditations reap several benefits because they incorporate physical activity and slowing down in the moment. Go for at least a 10 minute walk and notice the feeling of your footsteps and the shift of your body weight.

9. Engaging in art or creativity is also a very beneficial way to practice mindfulness. From painting to woodworking, using one’s hands to create is very helpful. 

10. Massage therapy is another mindful practice that connects the body and the brain. Releasing tension through massages comes from the release of endorphins allowing the body to fully relax and feel sensations of calm. 

SOURCES

Nurturing Mental Health Through New Year's Resolutions

By Megan Allcock, LMFT

As the calendar restarts, many people embark on the journey of setting New Year's resolutions. While common goals often revolve around fitness, career, or personal development, it's crucial not to overlook the importance of mental health in this pursuit of self-improvement.New Year's resolutions are typically associated with tangible, measurable goals. However, taking care of one's mental well-being is equally important, if not more so. 

When setting goals it’s important to be realistic in what you can achieve. Think about the values you hold that can influence your resolution choices. Try to avoid overwhelming yourself with a long list and instead focus on a few key areas that will contribute to a more positive life. Below are a couple of suggestions for mental health goals and resolutions. 

Prioritize Self-Care:

Incorporate self-care practices into your daily routine. Whether it's meditation, deep breathing exercises, or simply taking a break to enjoy a cup of tea, these moments of self-care can significantly contribute to your mental well-being.

Establishing Boundaries:

Learn to say no and set healthy boundaries. Overcommitting and stretching yourself too thin can lead to stress and burnout. By establishing boundaries, you protect your mental and emotional space.

Cultivate Positive Habits:

Integrate habits that promote mental well-being. This could include regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep. These lifestyle factors play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy mind.

Seek Support:

Don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or professional support if needed. Discussing your goals and challenges with others can provide valuable insights and emotional support.

Embrace Flexibility:

Life is unpredictable, and setbacks are a natural part of any journey. Embrace flexibility in your resolutions, understanding that adjustments may be necessary. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge progress, no matter how small.

As the year progresses, take time to reflect on your journey. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how minor, and learn from challenges. This reflective process can enhance self-awareness and contribute to a positive mindset.

In the pursuit of New Year's resolutions, let's not forget the importance of nurturing our mental health. A holistic approach to self-improvement encompasses both tangible goals and the well-being of our minds. By incorporating mindful goal setting, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support when needed, we can create a positive and sustainable path toward a healthier, happier life in the coming years.

How Compassion-Scarcity Can Challenge A Couple When Baby Comes Along

By Anne Decore, lmft

Compassion-scarcity can become a silent intruder during a couple’s transition to parenthood. This is a time of great joy, but also a time of great upheaval and new demands. If not addressed, compassion scarcity can silently sowing seeds of resentment and fostering negative interactional patterns.

Here’s how it develops.

When a couple is low on vital resources (as they are when a baby arrives!) such as sleep, time, and energy, compassion – the capacity to feel concern for someone else’s suffering – also becomes scarce between partners. In part, this is because when we are burnt-out it is simply harder to consider someone else. But another part is driven by the scarcity mindset itself: we are driven to withhold compassion by a subconscious fear of giving without reciprocation.

Here’s an example of what this might look like between two new parents:

One person says “I had a brutal night, I’m so tired. The baby was up every hour.”

The other replies “her crying woke me up too, and I have to go to work today.”

“Are you implying taking care of a baby all day isn’t work? It’s harder and certainly more important work than your job!”

“Oh really? Who pays for the house and food and designer baby clothes you purchase?”

And so on, and so forth.

At its core, compassion-scarcity arises when partners struggle to empathize with each other's feelings, experiences, or perspectives. This scarcity then leads to emotional distance, miscommunication, and resentment.

You can see how this interactional sequence is underpinned by a withholding of compassion. If a response of compassion was offered (“this is so hard, I’m so sorry. How can we support each other through this long day?”) at any turn by either partner a softening might occur, an opportunity for connection. Instead, each partner refuses to offer compassion because each partner isn’t receiving any compassion. Here they get stuck in the compassion-scarcity cul-de-sac. It’s a place that lacks curiosity and is defined by biased comparisons and score-keeping. What’s so unfortunate about this place is that two people who are going through the same stressor feeling completely alone in their experience.

You can guide yourself out of this pattern. Here’s how:

1. Build a culture of appreciation and acknowledgment within the relationship. Practice voicing validation, gratitude, and curiosity in times of low stress so that it still flows, out of habit, in times of high stress.

2. Name it to tame it. Notice the scarcity fear creeping in that keeps you from validating your partner’s experience and name it to yourself like this: “I’m afraid to give my partner empathy because I need it too and what if I don’t get it?” Next, have self-compassion about toward that fear: “This is a hard time, it makes sense, self, that you would feel that way.” Then, make a shift: remind yourself that the more you give the more you get. Tell yourself “acknowledging my partner’s hardship doesn’t mean my hardships are invalid.” Empathy tends to activate empathy – it grows the pie. There is room for two.

3. Take time as a couple to talk to one another about your individual needs (biological, psychological, and social). Talk about the ways you can create an abundance mindset when it comes to supporting each other emotionally during the transition to parenthood. Seeking professional help, such as couples' therapy or counseling, can be immensely beneficial to aid with these conversations.

Addressing compassion-scarcity in a relationship requires patience and mutual commitment. By consciously nurturing understanding and validation couples can create an environment that fosters compassion and strengthens their connection during the ups and downs of new parenthood.

Navigating the Seasonal Shift

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

For many, the change in seasons brings not only a shift in temperature but also a shift in mood. I often find that my clients experience noticeable emotional changes with the arrival of fall and the transition to winter. The impact of weather and changing seasons on mental health is a well-documented phenomenon. As the sunlight wanes, some individuals may experience a shift in mood often referred to as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). However, even for those who don't meet the clinical criteria for SAD, the change in seasons can still influence emotions and well-being. Let's discuss strategies for maintaining well-being during the colder, darker months.

Acknowledge your feelings

The first step in navigating this seasonal emotional terrain is acknowledging and accepting your feelings. It's okay to notice shifts in your mood, energy levels, or motivation as the days get shorter. Understanding that these changes are a natural response to external factors can alleviate some of the pressure you might feel to be constantly upbeat.

Connect with nature

While the weather may be less inviting, try to maintain a connection with nature. Take short walks during daylight hours, even if the sunlight is scarce. Exposure to natural light can have a positive impact on mood and energy levels. Consider bringing elements of nature indoors—flowers, plants, or even a sunlight-mimicking lamp can make a difference.

Set a routine

With daylight diminishing, it's easy to let routine slip away. However, maintaining a consistent daily routine can provide a sense of stability and control. Set regular sleep patterns, make time for exercise, and prioritize activities that bring you joy. Routine can act as an anchor during times of emotional flux.

Socialize and seek support

The urge to hibernate during colder months is real, but social connections are vital for emotional well-being. Make an effort to spend time with loved ones, whether in person or virtually.

I encourage my clients to approach the seasonal shift with self-compassion. Emotions, like seasons, are ever-changing. By acknowledging, accepting, and implementing strategies to support emotional well-being, we can navigate the seasonal ebb and flow with resilience and grace.

Navigating the Maze: Understanding High Functioning Anxiety

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Anxiety is a common mental health condition that affects millions of people worldwide. While it manifests differently in each individual, there is an unofficial subtype often labeled as High Functioning Anxiety. So what is that exactly?

High functioning anxiety is not an officially recognized mental health diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Instead, it's a term used to describe individuals who outwardly appear to have their lives together while silently battling persistent anxiety beneath the surface.

Some of the key characteristics of High Functioning Anxiety include:

• Perfectionism: Setting impossibly high standards for themselves, striving for flawlessness in every aspect of their lives.

• Overthinking: Constant overthinking and ruminating about past events or future scenarios.

• Procrastination: Ironically, some individuals with high functioning anxiety may procrastinate tasks due to the fear of not meeting their own high standards.

• Constant Worry: Excessive worrying, even about trivial matters, is common as well.

• Difficulty Relaxing: People with high functioning anxiety may find it challenging to relax or "switch off," always feeling the need to be productive or busy.

• Physical Symptoms: While not always present, physical symptoms like muscle tension, restlessness, and gastrointestinal issues are common too.

So how is it different from typical anxiety? The main difference between high functioning anxiety and typical anxiety is the ability to maintain a presence of “normal”. High functioning anxiety often goes unnoticed because individuals suffering from it have developed coping mechanisms to navigate daily life effectively. They may excel at work, maintain social relationships, and fulfill responsibilities, all while concealing their inner stress and anxiety. 

If you think you might suffer from this, here are some tips to help manage it better. 

• Self-awareness: Recognizing and accepting that you have high functioning anxiety is crucial. Understand that it's okay and often necessary to seek help and support.

• Therapy: A therapist can provide tools and strategies to cope with anxiety symptoms as well as navigate some of the underlying causes for your anxiety.

• Medication: Medication prescribed by a healthcare professional may be necessary and very helpful to alleviate anxiety symptoms - usually in conjunction with talk therapy.

• Self-care: Prioritize self-care activities such as regular exercise, adequate sleep, a balanced diet, and relaxation techniques as often as possible.

• Set realistic goals: Challenge the need for perfectionism and set achievable, reasonable goals for yourself. Practice self-compassion.

• Establish boundaries: Learn to say no when necessary. Setting healthy boundaries can prevent overcommitting and feeling overwhelmed.

• Seek support: Share your feelings with trusted friends or family members. Often, simply talking about your anxiety can provide some relief.

Guiding Yourself: Progressive Muscle Relaxation

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

In the midst of life's hustle and bustle, finding moments of calm can feel like an elusive quest. I often find myself sitting with clients who are struggling to navigate stress and anxiety in their lives and are unsure of how to slow down. In those moments, I find it can be helpful to practice a mindfulness exercise together. One of my favorite mindfulness techniques is progressive muscle relaxation.

Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) is a relaxation technique based on the concept that physical tension and mental stress are closely connected. Developed by American physician Edmund Jacobson in the early 20th century, PMR aims to reduce both physical and mental stress by systematically tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups in the body.

The theory behind PMR is rooted in the idea that when we consciously tense and then release muscle groups, we become more aware of the physical sensations associated with tension and relaxation. This heightened awareness allows us to recognize and differentiate between states of tension and relaxation more effectively. By repeatedly practicing PMR, we can learn to identify when we are holding tension in our bodies, even in day-to-day situations. Over time, PMR can lead to reduced muscle tension, decreased anxiety, improved sleep, and an overall sense of calm and well-being.

Step 1: Find a Quiet Space

Choose a peaceful environment where you won't be disturbed. Sit or lie down in a comfortable position, and close your eyes if you feel comfortable doing so.

Step 2: Focus on Your Breath

Take a few slow, deep breaths to ground yourself. Inhale through your nose, feeling your lungs and belly expand, and then exhale slowly through your mouth, releasing any tension.

Step 3: Tense and Release

Begin with your toes. As you inhale, curl your toes tightly, feeling the tension in your foot. Hold for a few seconds, then exhale as you release the tension. Notice the difference between tension and relaxation.

Step 4: Move Up the Body

Continue this process, moving progressively up your body. Focus on each muscle group for 5-10 seconds before releasing:

• Calves and shins

• Thighs

• Abdomen

• Chest and back

• Shoulders

• Arms and hands

• Neck and throat

• Face (forehead, eyes, cheeks, jaw)

Step 5: Embrace Sensations

As you work through each muscle group, pay attention to the sensations. Notice how tension feels different from relaxation. Notice the soothing sensation of letting go.

Step 6: Slowly Return

When you're ready, gently bring your awareness back to the present moment. Wiggle your fingers and toes, stretch your body, and open your eyes if they were closed.

There Is More When It Comes To Listening To Your Body

By Bree Minger, AMFT

Often, the phrase “listen to your body” makes one think of the body’s basic needs like hunger, thirst, and sleep. For all of those needs our bodies send us clues that tell us to grab an extra snack when we are hungry, drink a glass of water after a long walk, or head to bed a little earlier on days that just felt like too much. 

Outside of those needs, our bodies communicate other messages that are often more subtle and harder to notice. These messages are related to our emotions. They don’t just exist in our heads; emotions are held and experienced throughout our entire bodies. 

In fact, the body, through the nervous system, can inform us of our emotions before our brains can identify our feelings. Have you felt butterflies in your stomach and that is when you realize you’re nervous for a big presentation? Or have you noticed your heartbeat pick up when you are feeling lost in a place you’ve never been? What about that feeling of pins and needles on your arms as you think about having a hard conversation with a loved one? 

Each body experiences emotions differently based on past experiences, stories, or traumas. Some of these described sensations may feel familiar, and if some feel unfamiliar, you are not alone. Day to day, many people live in their head and ignore their bodily cues, sensations, discomfort, or pain. Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score, describes this as a muffling of one’s senses. Why may living in your head, and ignoring your body, be dangerous? A lack of connection between the brain and the rest of the body has the power to influence our interactions and relationships, as well as block the path to healing past traumas and difficulties. 

Wondering how to start listening more closely? 

1. Mindfulness is key. Paying attention to bodily sensations can allow one to more closely understand the waves of their emotions and therefore gain more control over them according to Van Der Kolk. A helpful meditation practice may begin with deep breathing or a body scan. 

2. Yoga can be an effective exercise to restore the brain and body connection. The combination of deep breathing, different postures and meditation has powerful effects. 

3. EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy is an effective way to treat trauma. Different from talk therapy, EMDR allows access to memories and can be helpful to observe experiences from a different context of external stimulation, including eye movement, tapping, or other stimuli.  

Ultimately, the word “emotion” comes from the Latin word emovere or “to move out.” This tells us that healing from past traumas, both big “T” and little “t,” involves listening to our bodies and discovering the movement, rest, postures, mindfulness, and/or processing it requires. There is so much to learn about your body and how it informs who you are today. 

Curious to learn more or get started with a therapist? We have made this easy. Visit our website and fill out the intake form today.     

References: Van Der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books, 2014. EMDR Institute, Inc. 

Intrusive Thoughts VS. Impulsive Thoughts

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

I’m sure many of you have seen tiktoks, reals, and memes about letting your intrusive thoughts win. These videos or photos are often jokes about smashing a cake randomly, or kicking someone, or breaking a plate. They are meant to be harmless and funny videos about how sometimes, we don’t have full control over our thoughts. The power of social media has made this a commonly discussed topic, which is great - mostly. There is however a large, and very important difference between intrusive thoughts and impulsive thoughts. 

Intrusive thoughts are unwelcome, distressing, and unwanted thoughts that pop into our minds involuntarily. They are often repetitive and difficult to control or dismiss. These thoughts can be disturbing, bizarre, or even violent in nature, and they can evoke feelings of anxiety, guilt, or shame. It's essential to understand that having intrusive thoughts does not mean you want to act on them or that they define who you are as a person. An example of an intrusive thought might be, you're standing on the edge of a tall building, and the thought of jumping off unexpectedly crosses your mind.

Impulsive thoughts, on the other hand, refer to thoughts that arise suddenly and compel you to act without much consideration of the consequences. They can be linked to impulsive behaviors and actions, which are often done without careful planning or foresight. Impulsive thoughts can lead to impulsive decisions, and while they might not necessarily be distressing like intrusive thoughts, they can still have significant impacts on one's life, relationships, and well-being. An example of an impulsive thought might be, you're angry with someone, and an impulsive thought urges you to yell at them without thinking about the potential damage to the relationship.

It's important to remember that both intrusive and impulsive thoughts are part of the human experience, and they don't define who we are. If you find yourself struggling with either type of thought, seeking support from a therapist can be beneficial in understanding and managing them effectively.

Ambiguous Loss: What Is It?

By Anne Decore, lmft

All of us have or will face situations of ambiguous loss.

“Rarely is there absolute presence - or absence - in any human relationship” writes Pauline Boss, the leading expert on ambiguous loss, in her book “Loss, Trauma, and Resilience: Therapeutic Work with Ambiguous Loss”.

Ambiguous loss is felt when physical presence and psychological presence don’t align.

The first type of ambiguous loss speaks to situations where a loved one is physically missing but kept psychologically present. War, terrorism, and natural disasters are catastrophic examples of this type of ambiguous loss. A child’s experience of a parent who leaves or is absent due to divorce, work relocation, family members emigrating, and incarceration are also examples of this kind of loss.

The second type of ambiguous loss is often described with the simplified language of “there but not there”. Dementia, Alzheimer’s, brain injury, addiction, depression: these are quite recognizable examples of a person being present but not psychologically available.

Psychologists now understand that the experience of this type of ambiguous loss emerges from common circumstances too (and feels no less profound):

a partner or parent always on their phone; a partner/parent relentlessly preoccupied with work; stepparent-child relationships; interactions with an ex-spouse because of co-parenting; lack of acceptance of one’s identity by family or community are just some examples.

In this type of loss, emotional processes freeze. Roles and statuses become confusing. People don’t know how to act.

All of us have or will face situations of ambiguous loss. It’s important to apply language to the process in order to make the invisible visible. I hope that by sharing this concept and the language of “ambiguous loss” it can become the first step to feeling seen, connecting with others, finding support, and growing resilience.

Reference: Boss, Pauline. Loss Trauma and Resilience. WW Norton & Company, 2006

Embracing the Both/And Mindset: Letting Go of the Either/Or Perspective

By Jeessy Weston, amft

As a therapist, one of the most common mental hurdles I observe among clients is the dichotomous trap of either/or thinking. We are often inclined to categorize life into black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. While this binary approach may occasionally serve us in decision-making or problem-solving, it frequently oversimplifies our intricate human experiences and realities. I'd like us to consider a healthier, more balanced approach: the both/and mindset.

The Both/And Mindset

This way of thinking is all about accepting that different, even contradictory, things can be true at the same time. It allows us to see and accept the messy, layered parts of life. It's like saying, yes life can be tough, but it can also be amazing, all at the same time.

The Downfalls of Either/Or Thinking

Either/or thinking is a one-way street. It boxes us into corners, makes us judge ourselves harshly, and can turn little problems into big ones.

Imagine you've had a challenging day at work. You made a mistake on an important project, but you also received praise for your communication skills in a tough meeting. The either/or mindset might lead you to label your day as 'bad' due to the mistake. However, the both/and approach allows you to recognize that your day was challenging but also rewarding, that you made a mistake but also succeeded.

By transitioning from the either/or mindset to the both/and mindset, we create space for growth, self-compassion, and resilience.

How to Think in Both/And

Now, let's look at how we can start thinking in both/and:

Embrace complexity

Understanding that life is inherently complex and nuanced is the first step. It’s important to remind yourself that people, emotions, and situations rarely fit neatly into binary categories.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is fundamental in transitioning from an either/or mindset to a both/and mindset. This means accepting that you can be a work in progress and yet still be worthy and capable. Messing up doesn't mean you're a failure. It just means there's room to learn and grow.

Seek balance

Instead of choosing between success or failure, think about learning and growing. Remember, you can be strong and still have moments of vulnerability.

Question your thoughts

If you find yourself thinking in black and white, challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself, "Is it possible for both of these things to be true?" or "Are there other perspectives I could consider?" Most of the time, you'll find there is.

Seek support

Changing a deeply ingrained mindset takes time and patience. If you need support, seek help from a mental health professional who can provide you with tools and strategies to navigate this journey effectively.

Conclusion

In the end, life's a crazy, messy, beautiful mix of experiences and feelings. Embracing a both/and mindset allows us to see and accept all of that. As we learn to let go of the rigid either/or thinking, we open ourselves up to a more forgiving, balanced way of living. And that's something we could all use a little more of, right?

Summary/Review of The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps by Melissa Orlov (and Edward M. Hallowell)

By Nicole marino AMFT

Recently, I had the privilege of reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage. I thought the book was well-written and incredibly helpful for marriages consisting of an ADHD and non-ADHD spouse. As a therapist, I found this book enlightening to how ADHD shows up in many relationships, and how it impacts both the ADHD spouse and the non-ADHD spouse. The book was broken down into three main parts: Understanding ADHD in Your Marriage, Rebuilding Your Relationship in Six Steps, and Worksheets/Tools. I am going to go through each part and give a brief summary of what you can expect when reading.

The first part went through the common symptoms of an ADHD diagnosis and how the symptoms present for both the ADHD and non-ADHD spouse. It is important to note that not every relationship has a non-ADHD spouse and an ADHD spouse, but for the purpose of the summary, this is the language and dynamic that was chosen to highlight. This part of the book, from my own experience, allowed me to have a better idea and understanding of what ADHD looks like and how to cultivate empathy for both partners in the relationship who may be suffering. This part went through and explained many statistics and research around ADHD’s impact to a marriage., and the different types of dynamics within a relationship. This part also highlights the rewards of rebuilding a marriage that has been affected by ADHD in a very encouraging, positive, and motivating way. This section goes through symptoms that the non-ADHD spouse may be experiencing and normalizes the impact by including real life examples posted from Melissa Orlov’s interactive blog: adhdmarriage.com.

The next part, and the main part of the book is broken down into six steps to take towards bettering the marriage/relationship. I am not going to fully go through what each section explains but will give a brief overview for reference. To learn more, I highly recommend reading the book to gain more insight, information, understanding, and tools!

1. Cultivating Empathy for Your Spouse: The first step is incredibly important, especially when it comes to healing past resentment. It is key to understand your partner and their experience in the marriage, whether that is the experience of the ADHD spouse or non-ADHD spouse. Being able to empathize with what both partners are going through is a main step towards feeling more connected and on the same page. This also helps when it comes to reactions and responses towards certain triggers or symptoms. Gaining empathy can slow those reactions down to be able to choose a different response to the symptom knowing what the other person is experiencing as well.

2. Addressing Obstacle Emotions: This section better highlights different emotions and responses to symptoms of ADHD specifically from the non-ADHD spouse. For example, anger was a common response to the ADHD struggles in a marriage. The author did a good job including examples to show how anger presents and how it impacts the ADHD spouse most likely on the receiving end of the anger (even though impulsive anger is also another symptom of ADHD). This step discusses how to let go of certain negative emotions/responses as they do nothing productive for the relationship and partner interactions.

3. Getting Treatment for You Both: This step discusses the importance of seeking treatment for both the ADHD spouse and non-ADHD spouse throughout the process of bettering the relationship. For the ADHD spouse, it is helpful to seek professional help to understand symptoms better and gain tools for symptom management. For the non-ADHD spouse, it is important to seek professional treatment to gain support and better coping techniques to manage reactions and emotions towards partner. This step also talks about the choice around medication.

4. Improving Communication: This part walks you through different techniques around having various conversations in a marriage and how it is vital to improve communication in order to improve connection. It is important to listen to one another, validate each other’s experiences, negotiate/compromise respectfully, and increase emotional safety for both partners. This step also goes into how gender plays a role in communication differences, and what to look out for.

5. Setting Boundaries and Finding Your Own Voices: This section goes into personal boundaries, how to identify your own personal boundaries, and how to enforce personal boundaries. The author notes the importance of identifying which boundaries are most important for an individual and where your threshold is for each boundary. With this, you can better understand expectations for each other and what is realistic versus unrealistic to expect. The step then goes into processing how each spouse can respect their partner’s boundaries and create an action plan.

6. Reigniting Romance and Having Some Fun: This step discusses the importance of reintroducing romance and intimacy into your marriage, and how having fun together is a vital part of relationship success. It is important to try and get back to doing fun things together that you use to enjoy at the beginning of the relationship or trying new things together. Having new adventures brings you closer together and reignites that romantic spark and excitement.

The last brief part of the book is a reference chapter full of different tools, techniques, and tips for achieving the six steps. As you read each of the steps, there are different tips and tools specific to what the step’s goal is to help both partners improve on these skills and achieve overall betterment in the marriage/relationship. Not all the tools will be applicable for every person or marriage, depending on the specific struggles you are going through, but you can tailor your toolbox with whatever works best for you and your partner!

Overall, I found this book incredibly beneficial to read not only for my knowledge as a therapist and for my work with my couples/clients, but just to gain a better understanding of how ADHD presents in a person, and a relationship. As someone who has personal relationships with individuals diagnosed with ADHD, I have gained a different perspective on what they may go through every day and how their ADHD shows up for them in their personal relationships. For more information around the book, author, or ADHD in general, you can visit Melissa Orlov’s website at adhdmarriage.com (blog posts included there).

Ambivalence is Two Simple Things

By Anne DeCore, LMFT

Ambivalence is a natural human phenomenon, one that we all experience every day. It is common to want change, and also not want change, at the same time. The brain will contemplate the pros and the cons (the “decisional balance sheet”) of a particular change and then, voila, we find ourselves stuck. We come up with a reason for, and a reason against, and then ambivalence settles in.

As a clinician I regularly see clients experiencing ambivalence. Common ones are: ambivalence about changing one’s alcohol use habits; about whether or not to set a boundary with a family member; about staying or leaving an unstable relationship. My thinking toward ambivalence has been shaped by the works of Bill Miller. Miller is the author of Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change, and he focuses on the topic of Ambivalence more directly in his most recent book On Second Thought: How Ambivalence Shapes Your Life. His writings, research, and techniques have been praised and used by professionals across disciplines such as teaching, coaching, medicine and psychotherapy to name a few.

Ambivalence, he says, is two simple things: change talk (arguments for change) and sustain talk (arguments against change).

Interestingly, when we want to help a friend or family member whom we think would benefit by a change in their lives we tend to argue for change. But because of the way the brain is structured, when we push for change in someone else, we end up evoking the other side of their own ambivalence. We often cause the other person to talk himself or herself out of changing. This happens between partners in a couple, between parents and kids, between friends, and occurs in the therapy and medical worlds between clinicians and clients: sometimes, the more a clinician pushes for change, the more the client responds with opposition. This oppositional reflex, found in all of us, is called the righting reflex. The clinician’s attempt to help can have a paradoxical effect, reinforcing the maintenance of status quo.

So what then is the path to resolving ambivalence? How does a person decide whether a change is advantageous?

The pathway to breaking through ambivalence is about setting your GPS to a clearly defined destination and asking if making that change helps you get to the coordinates you set for yourself. If you are stuck in ambivalence, have a series of wide-ranging conversations with yourself or with a therapist where you explore what you clearly know you do want in your life. What do you care about most? What do you want your life to mean? To look like? What is most important to you in terms of who you are, and who you want to be? Explore your values and goals. These talks will define the coordinates you want to travel toward. Then, and only then, do you ask yourself, does the change I’m considering help me get there. You look at your goals in relation to the alcohol use, the boundary, the unstable relationship. Does alcohol help you accomplish that goal? Does setting the boundary with the family member help you be the kind of person you described? Is the unstable relationship neutral or does it act as an obstacle to what you care most about?

As friends, family members, or therapists, when we know with clear conviction that a person really needs to make an important change, we need to listen to their sustain talk without trying to reason the person out of it. When we listen with empathy, their need to say it goes down because their experience of feeling understood goes up. Through non-judgement, empathy and curiosity we can be a helpful part of the person evoking their own reasons and motivations for change. As frustrating as it can be at times, we cannot instill in them our reasons for their change.

Reference:

Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2012). Motivational interviewing: Helping people change. Guilford press.

Miller, W. R. (2021). On Second Thought: How Ambivalence Shapes Your Life. Guilford Publications.

The Importance of Play

By Anne decore, lmft

In today’s world one need not look far to find stressors. On a global level we are facing environmental threats, a war in the Ukraine that approaches the one-year mark, financial market uncertainty, and a globe still trying to understand how the meaning of health and illness have been reshaped by the recent pandemic.

The pause from work and school for the winter holidays can be a time of great connection and gratitude and joy. It can also heighten emotions of anxiety, grief, and intensify family conflict. When our own personal individual contexts and stressors intersect with the shared global stressors it can feel overwhelming. It’s normal to feel depleted and burnt out at the beginning of a new year.

As a response to this overwhelm many people begin January with pledges and resolutions - issuing themselves rigid new behavioral goals. I feel such compassion for this reasonable desire to gain a sense of control and order in a world that feels out of control. The problem with the over-emphasis on resolutions is that we become outcome-focused and then when we fail to meet our goals we feel a sense of failure, followed by a lack of motivation and that familiar feeling of burn-out. When we are outcome-focused, we are assessment-focused (did I do good enough?), and we are future or past-focused, not present-focused. The outcome-focused brain state has us teetering on the edge of activating our fight or flight system.

I want to offer a different intervention this January – play.

Mammals are hard-wired for play. Humans are no exception. Play is good for our mental health because it’s about the experience: process for process’s sake. Anything that gets us INTO an experience and OUT OF outcome-focus thinking is therapeutic for the nervous system and for relationships. So why do we abandon play as we age into adults? One answer is that our society values productivity and play is not productive. It is not measurable.

But our kids can remind us of its value. Play activates imagination, creativity, team-work, belonging, wonder, and humor. Often play involves learning new skills or problem solving. Sometimes it’s just outright tomfoolery and mischief. Play connects us to our physical body and to the flow state – getting lost in the present moment. Play helps us let go of the things we can’t control. Like grey winter weather. Play allows us to transcend boundaries that exist in the practical world. Play is always available to us and it’s usually low-cost.

So what do I mean in practical terms? Jenga. A trampoline park. Puzzles. Lego. Game nights with friends (charades, trivia, board games). Wild dancing to music. Card games. Twister. Bowling. Turn your kitchen into a restaurant and give everyone a part. Set up a bean bag toss. Make costumes. Play is a word with millions of interpretations. Invite silliness. Invite invention. Invite peace. And leave your phone in another room. Don’t let a notification or the pressure to post take you away from the gift of the here and now.

Play doesn’t replace worrying about the world or about the personal challenges we are weathering. It does gives us a respite from the worrying and restores our bodies and minds so that we feel more grounded and able to face the messy parts of our lives.

Family Boundaries During the Holidays

BY JESSY WESTON, AMFT

While the holidays can be a season filled with joy and celebration, it can also bring challenging feelings, situations, and conversations. The holidays are an important time to make sure we are setting healthy boundaries for ourselves and our families.

First, what are healthy boundaries? Brene Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, defines boundaries as simply “what’s ok and what’s not ok.” A boundary allows you to define what is acceptable to you within any relationship or situation. Its purpose is to protect both you and others involved. It’s also important to know that setting boundaries is not always easy. In fact, it takes significant intention and effort. It means changing or challenging something that has historically existed.

How to set boundaries:

1) Identify your limits

To start, you can ask yourself the question, “what’s ok with me and what’s not ok with me?” This question can be asked within several different realms including, emotional, physical, financial, mental, spiritual, etc. An example of an emotional boundary may be reminding yourself that your feelings are your own and that you are not responsible for others feelings. A physical boundary could be deciding where you want to spend the holidays, even if that is different from what has been done in the past. A mental boundary could be altering the story you tell yourself about what the holidays “should” look like. These are just a few examples as it can truly take any form that you may need.

2) Share expectations with friends and family members

“We have our own thoughts, and if we want others to know them, we must tell them.” (Dr. Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No)

This statement seems so simple, yet it’s normal for it to be difficult to put into practice. It is normal to assume that those who know us should automatically understand our boundaries. However, that is often not the case and it can be challenging to express our honest thoughts and feelings with those around us. We can practice sharing our expectations (both what we want and what we do not want) in a respectful way by being calm and direct. The key is to use “I” statements. For example:

• “I appreciate the invite to spend the holidays at your place this year. I need some time though to not travel this year and to spend a quieter holiday at home. I’d love to find a different way to spend time together.”

• “I always feel overwhelmed when planning the dinner for our large family gathering. Can you please help me plan it this year?”

• “I’m not comfortable talking about my dating life right now. I would really appreciate it if you did not ask about it again.”

• “I feel a bit annoyed and embarrassed when you make jokes like that. I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making those kinds of jokes.”

3) Be compassionate towards yourself

It can be mentally and emotionally exhausting to maintain necessary boundaries. While people or situations may not always respect the boundaries you set, you did the best you could by advocating for yourself. It is important through it all to offer yourself kindness and compassion.

Breaking and Making Habits

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

With the start of the new year quickly approaching, many people often re-evaluate their habits and routines wishing to start the year off on the best foot. Breaking and making new habits can be challenging, but it is not impossible. It takes time to 1. Break a habit and then 2. Make a new habit because it takes a lot of effort to re-wire and re-train your brain to stop doing something to then start doing something else. This list of tips could potentially help with the process but do keep in mind that this is a process! Even if you make missteps along the way, that doesn’t mean you can’t get back on track and continue.

• Be patient: As stated above, this is a process. On average, it can take about two months to make a behavior a habit, so it can take even longer to break a habit to then create a new one.

• With that being said, Consistency is key: Take it day by day when it comes to creating your new routine. The more you do something, the more natural it will become with time. You will start doing that behavior without evening having to put much thought to it, meaning it became a habit and pattern.

• Don’t shame yourself: You might mess up and make mistakes along the way, but that is OKAY! It is normal to ebb and flow when it comes to breaking and making habits. Show yourself grace and compassion that this is not going to happen overnight and that is to be expected. The more you shame yourself, the more discouraged you are going to feel so remind yourself you are human; therefore, you are not perfect.

• Don’t take on too many changes at once: Take things one step at a time! Taking on too many habits and changes all at once, can be incredibly overwhelming leading to slipping into old habits and doing what feels easier. Taking on a few changes at once can give you more opportunity to focus your efforts more and stay consistent.

• Be mindful: There are a few elements when it comes to being mindful. First, when it comes to breaking a habit, try to identify your triggers and what contributes to you falling into those habits. Either eliminate those triggers or try to avoid them. If a trigger is unavoidable, being mindful of how you relate and react to the trigger. Replace the “old” habit or behavior with the habit you are trying to implement instead. This is easier said than done, but that is why being mindful and self-aware in those moments is beneficial. It helps slow you down so you can check in with yourself around your what you are doing.

• Incentivize yourself: When it comes to creating new habits, rewarding yourself can help your brain draw the connection between the behavior and pleasure. This can help encourage you to desire following through more with the habit when there is a positive correlation to it.

The Dilemma of Attachment and Authenticity

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Trauma expert and renowned physician Gabor Maté has a new book out that I highly recommend. He writes poignantly about something that therapists talk about every day with clients. In “The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture,” he states that the most widespread form of trauma in our society is the lower case “t” trauma of “disconnection from the self” in order to have attachment needs met by our parents. Because it is a largely invisible process, unlike upper case “T” trauma, people are often unable to identify how their childhood affected their development. I wanted to share Maté’s explanation of this process on the blog because I think this concept is essential for adults to understand as they self-reflect, and for parents to consider as they raise children.

Attachment is the core drive for proximity, responsiveness, and attunement from our caregivers from infancy and beyond.

Authenticity is the other core need: to be true to oneself, to honor our “gut” feelings, to express our felt emotions.

Maté explains the dilemma in these terms: “What happens if our needs for attachment are imperiled by our authenticity, our connection to what we truly feel?”

Maté tells us that the outcome of that dilemma is pre-determined. When a child senses that being true to their sense-of-self will not be acceptable to a parent, the child will conform to please the parent. We will always “secure our physical or emotional survival by relinquishing who we are and how we feel”. This adaptation is not something we have control over in childhood. Feedback loops with our caregivers over time get wired into our nervous systems and the internal adaptation to privilege inauthenticity becomes second nature. We even tell ourselves that certain traits within our personality are “who we are” instead of what they really are: the “scars of where we lost connection to ourselves”. A few examples of these traits are people-pleasing, hyper-responsibility, stoicism, perfectionism, compulsively charming, compulsively helping. Many of these adaptations in our families-of-origin are reinforced by society as admirable.

These adaptations work for us into adulthood until they don’t. There are costly consequences for repressing one’s thought, feelings and needs. Maté’s book impressively documents the link between inauthenticity and physical illness. Other consequences may be divorce, depression, addiction, and midlife fragmentation. These crises tend to force us to examine the self-concepts we hold. Often, these moments lead us to therapy.

Thankfully, Maté doesn’t leave us hopeless. He writes that developing self-awareness and self-compassion can carry us back toward authenticity. We can re-train the brain and nervous systems to expect both needs, attachment and authenticity, to simultaneously be served in our adult relationships.

Reference:

Maté, G. and Maté D. (2022). A Traumatic Tension: Attachment vs. Authenticity. In The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture; (pp. 96-112). Penguin Random House.

Sleep Anxiety Struggles

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Falling asleep can sometimes seem like a battle, especially when anxiety starts to creep in and suddenly all of your worries are swirling around in your mind. It is truly hard to fall asleep, even if your body is tired, when your mind won’t rest. Everyone is different and there is not one magical tip that works for all, but by changing some routines and habits around nighttime, it may help improve overall relaxation and worry leading up to bedtime!

1. Try sleeping focused meditations: Meditation’s purpose is to bring you into the present moment, to ease your mind, and to focus on your breathing. There are so many different types of meditations to try, but looking up sleeping meditations (use of an app or just searching in YouTube) can be very useful when it comes to relaxing a busy mind. Body scan meditations are specifically helpful when it comes to this because you are guided through focusing on each individual part of your body and relaxing any tension in your body.

2. Write a list of everything you are worried about: Sometimes our anxiety feels like it holds so much power, but when you write out your concerns, you are taking the power back. Often times, listed out, our worries and fears don’t look as scary or overwhelming as we once thought.

3. Focus on the things within your control: Following that, focus on the worries or concerns that are within your control. Often times, anxiety focuses on things that are completely out of our control and we have no power altering. Let go of the things that we cannot change because it may never even happen. Your anxiety is not a fortune-teller of what is to come in the future. It is just our fears turned into anxious and negative thoughts. Also, it is important to focus on the things you can control right in that moment because I bet there are not a lot of things that you can do while you’re in bed trying to fall asleep.

4. Read: This is a very relaxing activity to do before bed and can keep your mind busy leading to tiredness.

5. Create a bedtime routine: Going off of reading, creating a nighttime routine focused on relaxation and non-stressful activities/tasks is very beneficial when it comes to easing sleep anxiety. Creating a routine of things you look forward to doing is a form of self-care. Whether that is doing your skincare routine, reading, stretching, journaling, showering, or meditating, the key is to focus on the tasks that are not going to cause additional worries or concerns, but the activities that are going to cultivate calm energy.

6. Avoid use of screens: If possible, not looking at your phone before bed is a healthy sleep time habit. When you look at your phone screen or TV, your brain is stimulated and “lights up” delaying when you start to feel sleepy.

7. Avoid harsh lighting: Similar to use of screens, turning on bright lights at night can wake you up and do the opposite of relaxing you. Studies show that red light therapy can help with both depression and anxiety. Because of this, switching your bedroom lights to red lightbulbs can help ease anxiety especially before bed.

8. A to Z technique: This technique is helpful once again to focus your mind on something low risk, fun, and calming. You can pick any topic or category you would like (sports, food, songs, shows, animals, etc.) and go A through Z naming one thing within the topic that starts with each letter of the alphabet. This is a fun twist on “counting sheep”!

9. Listen to calming music or relaxing noises: This can definitely be different for everyone, but listening to classical music, rain sounds, ocean sounds, or even just using a white noise machine can help your mind have something to focus on rather than what you have to do tomorrow.

As stated before, not everything listed is going to work for everyone because everyone is unique and different! The purpose of this is to give techniques and tricks to try out when it comes to combating sleep anxiety. It never hurts to try something new especially when it comes to taking power back from your anxiety at night! It is so important to be getting enough rest at night so don’t let your anxiety focus on the countdown till the morning, but focus on the present moment and what you can do to help destress and get to sleep quicker.

Improving Your Relationship With Food

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Every single person on this planet has a relationship with food. It is something we need to exist and fuel our bodies, yet so many people have unhealthy or complicated relationships with it. When we break it down it can seem so silly to think negatively about something that keeps us alive. Society and the media has certainly impacted the view of food through the generations and while it is improving, there is still a large portion of the population that struggles with food. 

I often have clients coming into session struggling with the morality surrounding food, weight loss or gain, exercise and all of these things society has moralized regarding our bodies. If you’re someone who struggles with this, here are some ways to improve your view of food. 

1. Don’t assign morality to food. 

Food does not, and should not, be categorized as “good” or “bad”. It is important to shift your mindset from this black and white thinking and allow the grey area to exist. There are absolutely nutritional differences between a fruit versus a potato chip, but that does not mean one is morally superior. 

2. Improve balance in your diet

It’s important to have a wide variety of foods in our diet to ensure we are meeting our nutritional needs, as well as enjoying food to the fullest extent. Our bodies need foods like fruits, vegetables, healthy fats, carbs, etc, but our bodies also need fun foods like chips and candy to have nutritional and emotional balance. 

3. Practice flexibility 

There will certainly be times in life where access to certain foods isn’t easy. For example, airports are a location that it can be a bit more challenging to find fresh fruits and vegetables. This is a perfect opportunity to practice flexibility, whether that means packing a snack that is nutrient dense, or allowing yourself to have a day full of fun foods at the airport. 

4. Don’t compare your plate to others

It can be easy to compare what you’re having to others whether it be the items or amount. Practice focusing on what your body wants and needs, not how much other people want or need. Each body is different and therefore needs different amounts and kinds of foods at various times. 

5. Practice mindful eating

We live in a very fast paced world, which often pushes us out of the present or distracts us from what we’re currently doing. I know sometimes the focus is just on making sure you eat, but it’s important to listen to your body. Pay attention to your hunger cues, what kinds of foods will make you feel satiated and when you begin to feel full. 

Self Compassion & Cleaning Your House

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

I’m not sure if anyone has told you lately, but... You aren’t a bad person if you struggle to keep your home nice and neat.

Lately, I’ve been reading this book called “How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing” by this really awesome LPC named KC Davis. In her book, she talks about an idea that seemed radical to me- housekeeping tasks are care tasks & care tasks are morally neutral. A lot of us may have grown up in homes where we were punished for having a messy room or for not cleaning up after ourselves after playing with toys etc... The tricky part is, when we’re young, we don’t realize that getting in trouble is often more about our caregivers’ relationship to mess than it is about us. So instead, we think “oh it is hard for my caregiver to love me when my room is a mess, I’d better clean up” thus internalizing shame about mess. Maybe caregivers didn’t intend to send that message, but that’s how it is often received. And while messiness doesn’t automatically equal “we are bad people,” it can sure feel that way when you are in trouble and maybe are called names like “lazy” on top of it.

Flash forward to you as an adult. No wonder you’re dreading some of the cleaning. You may not have ever developed a positive relationship with cleaning because it may have always made you feel inadequate. So of course, there would be times where you avoid it! Who WOULD lean into situations that make them feel unworthy or not good enough? Avoiding things that make us feel bad is normal.

So how can we help make our cleaning, organizing, and home management tasks feel “better”?

One of my favorite things KC proposes in her book is an approach to cleaning that she calls “The Five Things Tidying Method.” I think it’s pretty accessible for lots of folks so I thought I would paraphrase the steps for you in this blog:

Look around at your “messy” space. According to KC, everything in it can be broken down into 5 categories: 1. Trash, 2. Dishes, 3. Laundry, 4. Things that have a designated place but are not in their place, & 5. Things that don’t have a place.

1. First you start with just gathering all the trash together. You do not take it out yet.

2. Then you find all the dishes in the living room, kitchen, bedrooms, etc. and place them next to the sink. You do not wash them yet.

3. Next you grab a laundry basket of some kind and put all the clothes, accessories, and shoes in it that you can find scattered throughout the house. Put the baskets next to your trash pile. You might have more than one basket of “clothes” and that’s okay.

4. After that, go to each space in your home where things have a designated spot. (Desks, shelves, bathroom counters, etc.) Put each of those things in their assigned spot. If you come across anything that doesn’t have a place, put it in a pile. Stop in one area, put things away in that area, and gather a pile of misfit items. The result will be a lot of somewhat tidy areas with the exception of small piles of things that don’t have a place.

5. Next, you get to reassess each of those placeless items. You can decide if something is clutter or if it is important enough to get a permanent place. Some of those items will have a place but in a different area of the house. Put them away if that is the case.

6. Finally, take the trash out. Put the laundry bin in the laundry room (or somewhere out of the way, but where you will still be able to see it and remember to do the laundry later). Now you will have a space that feels more livable. Excellent job you! Save the dishes for another day.

So many people feel like if they can’t keep a home pristine clean all the time, they are somehow not worthy. That is simply not true. And when tasks pile up at home and things look/feel cluttered, that can be incredibly stressful and demotivating at the same time. The “5 things method” is great because rather than looking around and trying to prioritize every item and decide which tasks to tackle first, you have an outlined order that you can keep coming back to. For example, you can scan the living room space for just dishes and put those near the sink rather than trying to grab every single thing you see and run around the house putting them away. And as you go through KC’s method, things will naturally feel less cluttered, and you may start to feel more encouraged by the progress you’re seeing.

The other great thing about this approach is you could stop after step 1 or 2 and save the rest for another day. Doing all the steps in one day does not make you inherently “better” than the you that only has the time/energy/bandwidth to do steps 1-3. Jussayin.

If shaming yourself into cleaning worked, it would have worked already, yes? And you’d have a constantly immaculate home every day to show for it. But at what cost? And sure, sometimes we convince ourselves that we “need to be hard on ourselves in order to get things done”, but if you could get things done and NOT feel like crap, wouldn’t that be nice? Because let me tell ya, you deserve it. Both a space that feels livable to you, AND a sense of freedom from the shame cycle.

Resources:

KC’s Book

KC’s Website

• She has lots of tips & resources for new self-compassionate ways to approach the various parts of your life

• If you’re more of a “learn from Tik Tok” person, she has some of her TT content on there also!

• This is not a sponsored post, lol. I’ve been reading this book and having some revelations that I wanted to share. 😊