The Importance of Play

By Anne decore, lmft

In today’s world one need not look far to find stressors. On a global level we are facing environmental threats, a war in the Ukraine that approaches the one-year mark, financial market uncertainty, and a globe still trying to understand how the meaning of health and illness have been reshaped by the recent pandemic.

The pause from work and school for the winter holidays can be a time of great connection and gratitude and joy. It can also heighten emotions of anxiety, grief, and intensify family conflict. When our own personal individual contexts and stressors intersect with the shared global stressors it can feel overwhelming. It’s normal to feel depleted and burnt out at the beginning of a new year.

As a response to this overwhelm many people begin January with pledges and resolutions - issuing themselves rigid new behavioral goals. I feel such compassion for this reasonable desire to gain a sense of control and order in a world that feels out of control. The problem with the over-emphasis on resolutions is that we become outcome-focused and then when we fail to meet our goals we feel a sense of failure, followed by a lack of motivation and that familiar feeling of burn-out. When we are outcome-focused, we are assessment-focused (did I do good enough?), and we are future or past-focused, not present-focused. The outcome-focused brain state has us teetering on the edge of activating our fight or flight system.

I want to offer a different intervention this January – play.

Mammals are hard-wired for play. Humans are no exception. Play is good for our mental health because it’s about the experience: process for process’s sake. Anything that gets us INTO an experience and OUT OF outcome-focus thinking is therapeutic for the nervous system and for relationships. So why do we abandon play as we age into adults? One answer is that our society values productivity and play is not productive. It is not measurable.

But our kids can remind us of its value. Play activates imagination, creativity, team-work, belonging, wonder, and humor. Often play involves learning new skills or problem solving. Sometimes it’s just outright tomfoolery and mischief. Play connects us to our physical body and to the flow state – getting lost in the present moment. Play helps us let go of the things we can’t control. Like grey winter weather. Play allows us to transcend boundaries that exist in the practical world. Play is always available to us and it’s usually low-cost.

So what do I mean in practical terms? Jenga. A trampoline park. Puzzles. Lego. Game nights with friends (charades, trivia, board games). Wild dancing to music. Card games. Twister. Bowling. Turn your kitchen into a restaurant and give everyone a part. Set up a bean bag toss. Make costumes. Play is a word with millions of interpretations. Invite silliness. Invite invention. Invite peace. And leave your phone in another room. Don’t let a notification or the pressure to post take you away from the gift of the here and now.

Play doesn’t replace worrying about the world or about the personal challenges we are weathering. It does gives us a respite from the worrying and restores our bodies and minds so that we feel more grounded and able to face the messy parts of our lives.

Family Boundaries During the Holidays

BY JESSY WESTON, AMFT

While the holidays can be a season filled with joy and celebration, it can also bring challenging feelings, situations, and conversations. The holidays are an important time to make sure we are setting healthy boundaries for ourselves and our families.

First, what are healthy boundaries? Brene Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, defines boundaries as simply “what’s ok and what’s not ok.” A boundary allows you to define what is acceptable to you within any relationship or situation. Its purpose is to protect both you and others involved. It’s also important to know that setting boundaries is not always easy. In fact, it takes significant intention and effort. It means changing or challenging something that has historically existed.

How to set boundaries:

1) Identify your limits

To start, you can ask yourself the question, “what’s ok with me and what’s not ok with me?” This question can be asked within several different realms including, emotional, physical, financial, mental, spiritual, etc. An example of an emotional boundary may be reminding yourself that your feelings are your own and that you are not responsible for others feelings. A physical boundary could be deciding where you want to spend the holidays, even if that is different from what has been done in the past. A mental boundary could be altering the story you tell yourself about what the holidays “should” look like. These are just a few examples as it can truly take any form that you may need.

2) Share expectations with friends and family members

“We have our own thoughts, and if we want others to know them, we must tell them.” (Dr. Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No)

This statement seems so simple, yet it’s normal for it to be difficult to put into practice. It is normal to assume that those who know us should automatically understand our boundaries. However, that is often not the case and it can be challenging to express our honest thoughts and feelings with those around us. We can practice sharing our expectations (both what we want and what we do not want) in a respectful way by being calm and direct. The key is to use “I” statements. For example:

• “I appreciate the invite to spend the holidays at your place this year. I need some time though to not travel this year and to spend a quieter holiday at home. I’d love to find a different way to spend time together.”

• “I always feel overwhelmed when planning the dinner for our large family gathering. Can you please help me plan it this year?”

• “I’m not comfortable talking about my dating life right now. I would really appreciate it if you did not ask about it again.”

• “I feel a bit annoyed and embarrassed when you make jokes like that. I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making those kinds of jokes.”

3) Be compassionate towards yourself

It can be mentally and emotionally exhausting to maintain necessary boundaries. While people or situations may not always respect the boundaries you set, you did the best you could by advocating for yourself. It is important through it all to offer yourself kindness and compassion.

Gift Ideas to Promote Mental and Emotional Wellness All Year Round

By Rachel D. Miller, AMFT

Gift giving is part of many family holiday traditions. Trying to find the perfect gift can add pressure to an already stressful season. If you’re searching for some last-minute gift ideas, consider contributing to the mental and emotional well-being of your loved ones with one of these suggestions.

Tiny Humans

Slumberkins

These adorable stuffed creature and book sets were designed by two mothers with backgrounds in family therapy and early education to support a full range of early emotional wellbeing. Their goal according to their website is to “help families raise resilient, caring, and confident children.” The one pictured here is the Authenticity Unicorn. They also have a Mindfulness Yeti, Gratitude Honeybear, and Conflict Resolution Hammerhead. These are great for the littles on your list and might even be loved by some of the bigger kids.

Elementary Schoolers

Mad Dragon

A card game geared for ages 6-12. Fans of Uno will already understand the basic concept. Kids learn through this interactive game about the many choices they have around how to express and process anger. This is a favorite with my younger clients. It has even made its way to family functions where the kids have a great time getting the grown-ups to talk about what my nephew has dubbed “hard feelings.” Mad Dragon is perfect for those needing a gift under $25.

What you Do Matters Books

This box set includes the titles, What Do You Do With an Idea?, What Do You Do With a Problem?, and What Do You Do With a Chance?.

What Do You Do With an Idea? is a story for anyone, at any age, who’s ever had an idea that seemed too big, too odd, too difficult. It’s a story to inspire you to welcome that idea, to give it space to grow, and to see what happens next.

What Do You Do With a Problem? is the story of a persistent problem and the child who isn’t so sure what to make of it. The longer he avoids the problem, the bigger it seems to get.

What Do You Do With a Chance? inspires kids of all ages and parents alike to find the courage to go for the opportunities that come their way.

Tweens and Teens

Big Life Journal

For the tween/teen in your life who is looking to discover the power of their brain and mindset and needing understand they oversee their own happiness, this might be the right gift. This journal will help turn their self-talk from negative into positive and empowering. It will guide them through setting goals and learning to overcome challenges and setbacks. The Big Life Journal uses science to help teens “develop a resilient, growth mindset so they can grow into confident, happy adults.” The company also has a version for the elementary school set.

Mental Health App Subscriptions

Rates of anxiety and depression are rapidly increasing among tweens and teens. And while there are mixed reports amongst the scientific community about the cause of this rise, there is a way to utilize the phones that are practically an extra appendage for most teens to empower them to manage their mental health. Apps are available to assist in tracking moods, improve emotion recognition, and teach skills such as meditation and mindfulness. Many of these apps are free but have certain paid subscription or in app purchase options. A few worth checking out are: Sanvello, 10% Happier, and Moodpath.

For All Ages

Weighted Blanket

For your loved ones who have trouble sleeping, or struggle with anxiety or PTSD, this gift can feel like a life saver. It helps relax your body by simulating the feeling of being held or hugged. Let’s be honest, we could probably all use one of these in our lives.

Light Therapy Lamp

Winter can be challenging. Light therapy has been shown to elevate mood, improve sleep quality and concentration levels, increase the effectiveness of antidepressants, and decrease the intensity of seasonal affective disorder (SAD) symptoms.

Puzzles

Puzzles have been shown to improve short term memory and visual-spatial reasoning. They are a wonderful tool for practicing meditation and mindfulness. Some studies even suggest that regularly doing puzzles can reduce your risk of Alzheimer’s. Football fans might be interested to hear Rob Gronkowski talk on CBS Sunday Morning recently about how he uses puzzles to help him slow down, reduce his anxiety, and improve his focus. Utilize puzzles to facilitate some needed alone time or make them a connecting activity done with the whole family.

White Noise Machine

There is lots of buzz about the importance of sleep, specifically good quality sleep. It has been shown to elevate moo, increase mental focus, and improve heart health. A white noise machine can assist in helping to fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer.

Sunrise Simulation Alarm Clock

For the non-morning person in your life, or those who struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), this gentle, sunrise simulation wake-up might be the thing they need to start their morning on a better note. This brand’s clinical research claims it will “wake you up with improved mood and energy level.”

While far from exhaustive, hopefully this gives a place to start, or maybe finish, your holiday shopping list. Happy Holidays to you and yours!

December Survival Guide

By Sasha Taskier, LMFT

As we begin to embark on the holiday season, many of us are both excited for the holidays and the New Year, and equally stressed out by the demands that seem to follow in tow. Between social engagements, complicated family dynamics and the financial stressors associated with gift giving and holiday spending - what is meant to be joyful and celebratory, often becomes stressful. I’ve put together a list of topics that tend to come up around this time for many of my clients, friends (& myself!), with some reflections and resources meant to help us better navigate this season with intention and peace.

Schedules

Somehow, it feels like between Thanksgiving and New Years, there are very few, free days and nights on the calendar. Either there are work deadlines that needs to be met, or every spare moment is dedicated to holiday parties, to meals with family and friends and travel. While in theory, many of these things are supposed to bring us joy (and they are all meant to be fun!), it can feel overwhelming.

● What can you say no to?

• In an ideal world we would all have the energy for the dinners, the work events, the cooking, the gift exchanges etc. etc. and that may be too much for some of us. What on your calendar can you say no to? Sending a simple message to the host, explaining that you are overwhelmed and need to cancel (but wish them well, and are thinking of them!), is important for your mental health and stress levels AND sets an example for healthy boundaries that everyone can benefit from during this season.

• This is phenomenal book on helping us to learn to say no to avoid burnout (and lots of other things!)

● Can I take time for myself?

• What does your work week look like? Can you reserve a night (or two?) for some necessary R&R? Perhaps blocking off a few hours over the weekend to relax, recharge and unplug. Maybe this means taking yourself to a movie, or ordering in dinner and eating in your pajamas. Whatever you need.

• If you are partnered, ask him or her to support you in this quest. Can they clean the house for you, or make you dinner? if you are co-parenting, can they occupy the child/ren for a few hours and allow you some quality time alone, or time with friends? Can you gift this to each other?

● Gratitude reframe: While this is all overwhelming, and it is important to honor your limits, a powerful reframe to this conundrum is to focus on how grateful you feel to have friends who invite you places and a community that wants you to be present and involved.

Family

As we’re all riding the coattails of Thanksgiving, it feels important to acknowledge the significant focus on family during this holiday season; it can feel incredibly complicated and charged for many of us. Perhaps there has been a recent loss in your family and that person’s absence is felt acutely; or, perhaps there has been tension and conflict in your family for a long time (for a myriad of reasons) and you are feeling especially anxious to leave your environment to enter theirs for the holidays.

Whatever the reason, this season can exacerbate some of these pain points. The juxtaposition of the ‘cheery, happy family’ expectation (and hope) over the holidays, can feel even more disappointing when it comes up against the reality of the ‘complicated, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes fighting, family.’ Each year many of us enter into the season wishing for an idealized version of our family, and each year, we are faced with the reality.

● Use Thanksgiving (and Holidays in years past) as helpful data

• Think back to last year, or even this most recent Thanksgiving. How did your family dynamics feel? What were your hopes and expectations going into the day, and what was it really like? Were there specific moments that felt / feel painful; why?

• Use your experience and reflections to help formulate a plan for what you might need. For example: Did you do better when you were helping in the kitchen - volunteer to cook something. Do you know you need a break in the middle of the day - offer to run an errand, or go for a walk!

● This was a fantastic conversation on the topic and a helpful resource. (You can listen to it too, via Kate Arends and Dr. Anna Roth)

● Gratitude reframe: No family is perfect, but it is true that some dynamics are much harder than others and there are some familial wounds that have yet to heal, and may never heal. I invite you to hold that truth, and practice gratitude for our family in whatever way you can. Perhaps it is gratitude for health, for presence, for a nostalgic meal; for the way our siblings can still make us laugh until we cry even as adults.

Financial Stressors & Gift giving

What is meant to be a season of gratitude, giving, peace and joy - has also turned (for many of us) into a consumerism bender. Many of us live in communities in which gift giving is a requisite and the financial expectations around the holidays can be especially stressful. Here are a few thoughts:

● Be intentional with the gifts you are buying

• Many of us already have so much more than we really need. It’s easy to feel stuck on the consumer treadmill that tells us we need new things and we need more of them, but I invite you to challenge that assumption.

• Between Thanksgiving and New Years, we will throw out an extra 25 million tons of garbage this year. (via Simply Zero)

• Can you gift experiences? Rather than gifting toys or things, could you gift someone an a shared memory? (for example, a trip to the Aquarium, or a concert to look forward to together.)

• Presence > Presents! Gift your family and friends opportunities to support each other (for example, babysitting coupons for your friends/family with kids; cooking a delicious meal for someone and sharing it together.)

• Give back.

■ We know that giving back is good for our communities, cities and the world, but it also is good for us. Consistent acts of giving back have been linked to less stress, higher self esteem, lower blood pressure, better mood and longer life expectancy. Win win!

■ In lieu of gifts, you could make a donation for each person in your circle to a cause that they are passionate about!

■ If you’re in Chicago, here is a great resource to find volunteer opportunities this season: Chicago Cares

Wintertime is hard!

On top of all of this, the days are short, the sun can be a bit elusive, and it’s cold outside! These conditions do not necessarily make it easier to keep a positive mindset. Be gentle with yourself and each other.

• Think Hygge / and this

• Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of depression related to the seasons; read about it here; many find comfort in regular psychotherapy, and SAD lights.

• A helpful resource in choosing a ‘happy lamp’

• Get outside! Go for a walk - try to soak up the vitamin D available and get some fresh air when you can!

Wishing you all a restful and joyful holiday season.

Take care of yourselves and each other.