Taking A Pause

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Communication is at the heart of every healthy relationship, but there are times when conversations become challenging or heated. During these moments, it's crucial to know how to take a pause as a couple. Pausing allows both partners to step back, calm down, and approach the conversation with more clarity and understanding. Here's some guidance on how you can effectively take a pause when discussing something difficult:

1. Recognize the signs: Pay attention to your body and emotions. If you notice tension rising, increased heart rate, or a feeling of being overwhelmed, it might be time to take a break.

2. Agree on a signal: Before starting a conversation, agree on a signal that either partner can use to call for a pause. This could be a specific word or gesture that indicates the need to take a break.

3. Express respect: When calling for a pause, express your respect for your partner and your commitment to continuing the conversation later. For example, "I respect you, and I want us to continue this conversation when we're both calmer."

4. Set a time to resume: Agree on a specific time to resume the conversation. This gives both partners time to reflect on their thoughts and feelings and approach the conversation with a clearer perspective.

5. Take time to self-soothe: Use the pause to engage in activities that help you relax and calm down. This could include deep breathing, going for a walk, or listening to calming music.

6. Practice active listening: When you resume the conversation, practice active listening. Show empathy and understanding towards your partner's perspective, even if you disagree.

7. Seek support: If you find that difficult conversations frequently escalate, consider seeking outside support. A therapist can help you develop healthy communication strategies and navigate challenging conversations more productively.

Taking a pause during a difficult conversation can prevent misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and strengthen your relationship. It's a powerful tool that allows both partners to communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner.

The Five Languages of Apology

By Jessy westin, amft

Did you know that there are different ways to apologize? What one person considers an apology is not always what another person considers to be an apology. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, the authors of The Five Languages of Apology, identify five distinct types of apologies. When we feel hurt, we may differ in what exactly we are looking for to feel the most heard and seen by the one trying to make amends. Identifying your apology language and your partner’s apology language can help you better understand each other and provide a path toward a healing relationship.

Types of apology languages:

1. Expressing Regret - “I am sorry.”

Expressing regret focuses on the emotional aspect of an apology. It is expressing to the offended person what specifically you are sorry about and demonstrating that you truly understand how hurtful your actions were.

● “I am truly sorry for losing my temper and yelling at you. I know that I hurt you very deeply.”

● “I feel really bad that I disappointed you. I should have been more thoughtful. I’m sorry that I caused you so much pain.”

2. Accepting Responsibility – “I was wrong.”

Accepting responsibility means being willing to admit that you were wrong and recognizing the mistakes made. It can be challenging to admit to our mistakes, especially if those mistakes have caused pain for someone else. However, for some individuals, hearing someone accept responsibility for their wrongdoing is the most important part of an apology.

● “I was wrong. I could try to excuse myself, but there is no excuse.”

● “I take full responsibility. I know that it was my fault.”

3. Making Restitution – “What can I do to make it right?”

For some individuals, hearing ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I was wrong’ may not always be enough. This apology focuses on finding a way to make things right. If you are the one hurt, you are looking for that “next step” and that reassurance that it will not happen again.

● “How can I make this up to you?

● “What can I do that would make this right between us?”

4. Genuinely Repenting – “I’ll try not to do that again.”

Expressing your desire to change is communicating not only that you regret what you did, but also that your desire is to not do it again. It may be difficult for someone to forgive if they see the same action being done again and again. This apology language focuses on how the person apologizing will change their behavior in future similar situations.

● “I regret what I did. I don’t want to do it again. Can we talk about how to avoid it next time?”

● “Can we put together a plan that will help me to stop doing this?”

5. Requesting Forgiveness – “Will you please forgive me?”

Asking for forgiveness gives the other the space to decide if they would like to forgive you. It is meaningful that the forgiveness was requested, not demanded.

● Can you please forgive me for what I did?”

● “I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I hope that you will forgive me.”

Questions to consider in identifying your apology language:

● What do I want the person to say or do to help make it possible for me to genuinely forgive them?

● What hurts most deeply about the situation?

● Which language is most important (or do I usually use) when I apologize?

References

Chapman, G., & Thomas, J. M. (2008). The five languages of apology: How to experience healing in all your relationships. Moody Publishers.

Goop. What it takes to give (and receive) a good apology.

Review of Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love by Anne Hodder-Shipp, CSE

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

About the author: Anne (she/they) is a founder of Everyone Deserves Sex Education which provides age-appropriate sex education to parents, youth, therapists, and aspiring sex educators. They also practice dreamwork & provide coaching focused on sex, relationships, parent-child dynamics, and more. See their website here for additional information!

Summary: This book focuses on updating the pre-existing “5 Love Languages” ideology as that was popularized by Gary Chapman. In contrast to those concepts, Hodder-Shipp has compiled 18 actions over the course of 6 years working with clients and tried to fill in gaps from the original 5. They synthesized their findings into this book while also acknowledge that it is not to been seen as an exhaustive list. Their aim was to put together a resource that suits diverse relationship configurations and demographics.

Pros:

 101-pages written in non-clinical terms for ease of reading

 Sex positive, expansive & affirming of varying relational and individual identities

 Applicable to self-love as well as the multitude of relationships with other that we experience – not just romantic or marriage-oriented ones!

 With each description of the “languages,” the author includes an infographic with some examples of how one may utilize them as well as examples of what they are NOT

 Purposely does not include a quiz (intended to promote fluid exploration of the different languages and decrease rigid ties to the concepts)

 Cost-effective ($2.99 on Amazon @ the time I purchased it)

 Offers a more inclusive update to current ideas and NOT an end-all-be-all list

 Provides a section at the end on self-soothing & co-regulation

Cons:

 18 different “languages” may be more difficult to remember than the popular 5 language model

 eBook only as of right now

 Does not include a quiz – some folks may find that disappointing

Take aways:

Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love is great for self-exploration! Especially for people who have maybe heard of the original 5 love languages but struggled to see themselves/their relationships in those terms. It could also be a helpful tool for therapists to use to normalize the many relationships that clients have. This book validates the expansive means in which people conceptualize love within different contexts- platonic friendships, work buddies, relatives, etc. Personally, I learned that I value Shared Beliefs in romantic & platonic relationships, Affirming Communication in my work relationships, and Accountability in my familial relationships! I resonated with some of the other concepts but figured I would name just a few.

My Rating: 5 out of 5 hearts! - for inclusivity, price point, and providing examples for the reader!

Here is the website for the book if you are in search of more information on the book!

This is a 12-min workshop on YouTube with an overview of the book & 5 of the 18 languages and how they can be applied to loving YOURSELF

Relationship Attachment: The Importance of Knowing Your Attachment Style

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Before diving straight into the different attachment styles, it is important to first know what attachment and Attachment Theory even are. Attachment Theory was developed by a psychanalyst, John Bowlby who was studying infants’ behaviors when separated from their caregivers. Attachment Theory looks at how an infant is nurtured by a caregiver (loved, supported, neglected, abused, etc.) affects their attachment both in infancy towards a parent and later in adulthood in romantic relationships and friendships. With this said, attachment starts in childhood and continues in adulthood. Bowlby also studied the importance of infant’s independence from a caregiver to examine the difference attachment styles.

Looking specifically at attachment styles in adulthood is important for many reasons, especially when understanding how an individual shows up in a romantic relationship. The three main attachment styles are secure, anxious, and avoidant. Many people often do not understand why they show up a certain way in their romantic relationships or why they react to their partner when they are upset or feeling ignored, so knowing your attachment style can give a lot of insight for both you and your partner.

Secure Attachment Characteristics

• Feel confident that other people will be there for you when you need them

• Feel relaxed and joyful in relationships

• Rarely feel jealous or anxious that the relationship will end

• Independent and sure of self

• Want to care for a romantic partner and make sure their needs are being met (supportive)

• Easy to share feelings/needs

• Feel comfortable sharing private thoughts with partner

• Feel comfortable being close to romantic partners

• It is helpful turning to a romantic partner in times of need

Anxious Attachment Characteristics

• Overall feel anxiety in relationships

• Fear losing partner/relationship

• Worry partner will not want to stay with them (ex: if they make a small mistake)

• Worry that romantic partners won’t care about them as much as they care for their partner

• Worry partner doesn’t really love/care about them

• May be jealous, clingy/needy, self-criticizing, dependent, have a constant sense of under-appreciation or being misunderstood leading to anger

• May look for a partner that is critical, dominant, and inconsistent with affection

• Feel partner is better than them therefore able to meet their needs better than they can for themselves

Avoidant Attachment Characteristics

• Prefers not to show partner how they truly feel

• Find it difficult to let themselves be dependent on romantic partners

• Don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable with romantic partners (communication and sharing feelings)

• Prefer not to be too close to romantic partners (fearful)

• Both crave and avoid intimacy

• Don’t believe that intimacy and emotions are important (more important to be self-reliant)

• May be a loner

• Prefer spending time pursuing intellectual goals and avoid social interactions

• Attracted to people who don’t want to help meet needs

If this is of interest to you, there are many quizzes online to help figure out which attachment style fits you best. It is also important to understand how your attachment style may interact with your partner’s attachment style in different areas of life such as conflict, communication, stress, etc. For example, a securely attached partner may not fully understand why their anxiously attached partner is always seeking validation in the relationship so showing understanding towards a partner rather than annoyance or frustration can help make the relationship stronger and the anxiety decrease. It is also beneficial to understand how you might have shown up in past relationships as well. Attachment can really open your eyes to the ways you have shown up towards a partner and others, to gain more insight, empathy, and understanding in your relationship.

References

Fraley, C. R. (2018). A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research: R. Chris Fraley. A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research. http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm.

3 Common Problematic Communication Patterns.

By Rachel D. Miller, LMFT

How we communicate our wants and needs, love and appreciation, concerns and criticisms strengthen or erode the foundation of our relationships. The most helpful communication aligns our words with our body language, thoughts, and feelings. When these things aren’t congruent, we risk sending mixed messages leaving our relationships vulnerable to conflict, misunderstandings and disconnection.

Effective communication in addition to being congruent also considers self, others, the larger context, and the relationship involved. Failing to take these into consideration often manifest as the below unhelpful communication patterns.

1) Blaming

Pointing a finger in accusation while feeling direct, useful, and even vindicating, in the moment, rarely leads to the change we are seeking. Blaming is identifiable by the frequent use of the word “you.” What is missing in blaming conversations is acknowledgement of any larger context at play and self-reflection. Thoughts, feelings, words, and body language might be aligned when we’re angry and blaming, but if we focus solely on the behaviors or attributes of the other person, we’ll likely be met with defensiveness, stonewalling, or counter attacks.

If you recognize this pattern in yourself, I encourage you to get curious about what need or ask you might have under the blame. Take some time to consider the larger context around the situation and get curious about how it might be impacting things. I statements and focusing on your feelings, needs, and asks can keep defenses down, communication moving, and maybe get you closer to what you’re wanting. If the relationship is one that is important to you, ask for what you need in a way the other person is most likely able to give it to you. Remember, you’re on the same team.

2) Listening to respond instead of listening to understand

Too often when we listen to complaints, criticisms, or requests to change we immediately begin crafting a defense. When I see this happen in the therapy room arguing people are rarely arguing about what they think they’re arguing about. Typically, the listener missed the point the speaker was making because they were too busy figuring out all the reasons the speaker was wrong in their assessment of the situation or of them.

I urge clients in that moment to pause and take a deep breath. Then I inquire around what they believe the speaker said that is hitting a little too close to an uncomfortable truth for them. If it isn’t that, then I get curious about the story they are telling themselves about what they think the speaker means. Once the story is revealed we often discover it is a far cry from the speaker’s meaning and words.

If you recognize this pattern as something you do, there is a tool you might find helpful called Speaker/listener. You can read more about it here. Remember, if you notice yourself reacting to what you think someone said, curiosity can slow down the process and reduce reactivity. Ask questions; make sure you understand before you respond. Remember even common words can mean different things to different people in differing contexts. Which brings us to our third problematic pattern.

3) Assuming

When I work with people in therapy, I remind them often that how they define a word or concept may not be the way the person they’re communicating does. When your partner says that they are “close” with their family, you might assume that you know what that looks like for them, but the word “close” can mean everything from “my family and I did a lot of activities together when I was growing up” to “I talk to my mother twice a day.” We have to continually check in with people about how they are defining words and concepts rather than assume that what it means for you, is what it means for them. As my kids used to say to me, “Don’t assume, Mom. When you do you make an ass of u and me.”

If you find yourself assuming, as most of us will, I encourage you to shift to assuming you don’t know, assuming you can never fully understand someone else’s experience, and assuming the best of intentions from those you are in relationship with. Before responding, clarify meaning. Ask questions that can provide insight and empathy into what the other is experiencing.

It is impossible to be in relationships and be vulnerable without occasionally hurting someone or being hurt. What matters most is that we take accountability, apologize when necessary, be generous in our interpretations of the intentions of others, and attempt to make repairs when and where we can. Even the best communicators will screw up. Perfection is not the goal here. Commitment to practice and growth is all we can ask of ourselves and each other.