So you’ve developed some social anxiety during the pandemic? Now what?

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, social anxiety disorder is a mental illness characterized by an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others. This fear makes it difficult to work, hangout with friends and generally function in a “normal” way. While not everyone is diagnosable, there are plenty of people who identify with certain characteristics of this mental illness.

For the past 16 months everyone’s social interactions have been limited. Whether you have been completely isolated, or had minimal interactions with friends, family, or coworkers no one has been living a completely normal social life.

As I sit with clients week after week I have noticed some common themes come up for everyone. First, saying yes to any and all plans offered. Before the pandemic people felt they could more freely choose when they wanted to socialize and when they wanted to have alone time. Now, many people are feeling such a draw to say yes because they have been lacking for so long.

I recommend thinking about how much time you would like to spend doing particular things in your life. Break it down into hours or percentages or whatever works for you. Take into account the things you MUST do each week such as work, exercise, sleep, eating, etc. And then figure out how much time you realistically have for “free” activities. Next, consider how much of that free time you want to spend by yourself and how much you want to spend with others. Having a clear idea of your priorities will help you make more informed decisions.

Second, people are feeling completely depleted from the new expectations being set. We have adapted in the past year to spending time alone, or with very few people. Now many of us are expected to be at the office, then attend happy hours, and have plans during the weekend. We have weddings to make up for, birthdays, etc. It can all start to feel so overwhelming.

Start by practicing saying NO because you are not obligated to say yes to anyone except yourself. If you want to go out to dinner with that friend, then do. If you want to sit at home and read a book alone, then do that instead. The opportunity to go out to dinner with a friend will always be present. Make the choices that work for YOU, not everyone else.

Another theme I’ve seen a lot is the anxiety associated with returning to work. Some people have loved working from home and adjusted to the ability to do laundry or other house chores while working. As businesses start opening and return to offices starts up I have notices a spike in anxiety. There are so many reasons this anxiety may be spiking for you. Some things I recommend to help ease that a bit is setting boundaries for yourself and communicating with your boss effectively.

Pay attention to the parts of working from home that worked for you and try to see how you can implement some of those while being in the office. If that means bringing some comfort items in such as your favorite mug or blanket, do it! Having a serious conversation with your boss or supervisor about how working from home impacted your mental health could also be an important step. Ask if you could have a hybrid work option. Remember that the only person who will advocate for your needs is YOU.

Overall, give yourself some grace because this is a big adjustment period. There has been so much change in the past 16 months and although there is a lot of excitement about seeing people, it also comes with a cost. Be kind to yourself when it feels a little awkward. Be kind to yourself when you’re not in the mood to go out. Remember you are rebuilding a muscle. When a person trains for a marathon they don’t start by running all 26.2 miles immediately, they have to build up slowly. This concept applies for you building your social muscle back. It will take time for you to be able to be social the way you used to be (if you even want to go back to that) and that is OKAY.

Grief is like a Tail

By Kayla Harris, MA, AMFT

Photo by Liza Summer from Pexels

I often think of grief like a tail.
Ever-present to you, but invisible to others.

When you experience a tough loss, your tail may feel prickly and sore all the time.

It is always on your mind just how much it pains you, how much it keeps you from enjoying your life.

Every once in a while, you pinch it in a door behind you or someone steps on it.

And it's not their fault; they did not know it was there because they cannot see it.

And yeah, maybe you've mentioned that you have this tail and that it throbs (around the holidays, for example).

However, other people will forget that it is there and will still ask you things like, "What are you doing for Father's/Mother's Day?" and OUCH.

Even people who care deeply for you will do this.

The thing is, they do not have to live with your tail or make space for it, so they'll quickly forget you have to go through life with it.

Other people trip on it and step on it, songs and movies will play that will remind you of hurts, even your mind will replay memories that bring everything back.

In those moments, it may feel like a part of you was just jammed in a car door or like you bumped your head on a low ceiling.

It's as if the central nerve of your tail is tied directly to your heart, throat, or tear ducts.

You may act out in anger or sadness that onlookers won't immediately understand.

The trick is to acknowledge when your tail is hurting and share your feelings with someone you trust.

The more you talk about your losses and how they've impacted you, the more resilient your tail becomes.

What starts as raw and scabby later becomes soft and durable.

As the losses pile on over the years, your tail may feel fresh and vulnerable all over again.

Still, when you care for yourself and make room for the aches, you may be comforted in feeling your grief tail as a part of you and not all of you.

COVID-19: We’ve Really Gone the Distance

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

We are coming up on the year mark of COVID-19, changing the world as we knew it. While things are looking hopeful with vaccine distribution, I have reflected on the many adjustments that people had to make do to the virus. Here are just a few areas I have been thinking about, as well as suggestions for further adjustments:

Loss

As I write, the current number of COVID-related losses is 519,075 lives (covid.cdc.gov). The current total number of cases is 28,602,211 people. All of these folks were/are members of families or communities who were affected by the diagnosis. They have had to cope with it during this most unprecedented, isolating time. Over the last year, many hospitals did not permit more than one visitor to see loved ones in the hospital to reduce the virus's spread. Medical facilities also applied this policy to non-COVID cases, such as surgeries, check-ups, etc. For the most part, only patients were allowed in the facility to limit the spreading of the virus. Funeral homes also had to limit the number of people in their buildings at any given time. Many people lost loved ones in the last year and could not mourn or grieve in the way they wanted to.

I would encourage folks living with the weight of unacknowledged loss to find time to honor the people lost this year.

• Watch a movie you know a loved one enjoyed

• Journal about what you think about when you are reminded of them and what you would say to them

• Find ways to embody traits you admired about them in your day-to-day functioning

• Write down job opportunities, trips, celebrations that could not happen due to the pandemic and find time to acknowledge those losses too

• Share these reflections with a friend, partner, colleague, or therapist.

The Harvard Business Review interviewed grief expert David Kessler, who provided some additional thoughts on loss during the pandemic. Here is that article if you want to see his tips for coping with losses we have experienced this year.

Aside from the deaths of loved ones, people also experienced losses in jobs, planned experiences, and routines. These must be acknowledged and honored as well.

Relationships

You may be familiar with Gary Chapman's "Love Languages" popularized by the media. (Here is the link to his website in case you are unfamiliar) His love languages concept focuses on five behaviors that people might use to show love and how they receive love: Gifts, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Acts of Service. Well, recently, people have been talking about adding a sixth love language- distance. (Click here to read a related blog post by Jessica Wildfire) When different states and cities enacted shutdowns, we learned the way distance impacts our relationships. Whether you were spending way more time inside your home with a partner or you were unable to travel to see loved ones as you did, distance was a massive theme of the year. Couples have needed to find a balance of alone time, together time, and quality time, all while sharing the same air for days on end.

This year, people learned how often they need space in their relationships, physical environments, and even jobs.

Here are some tips from Vanessa Marin at the New York Times for easing the stress caused by the Coronavirus.

Work

While many businesses could move to a work-from-home format, other professions could not (first responders, healthcare workers, utility personnel, mail persons, to name a few). Their workloads were increased due to additional sanitation procedures or covering down for quarantined employees. For people who began working from home, there were struggles in even just finding a physical space to operate and maintain a proper work-life balance—screen fatigue.

Across the board, many of us were not trained to maintain our workloads during a global pandemic. We have adapted in a lot of ways to fit our companies and customers' needs, sometimes at our own expense.

• Here are some ways to reduce the effects of digital eye strain and fatigue.

• This post from the Today Show provides tips for achieving better work-life boundaries for those working from home in the COVID-19 pandemic.

• In this piece from the Jefferson Center, they offer ways to help you balance your career and personal obligations.

Parenting

Whether you are a pet, plant, or human parent, you probably did not expect to spend so much time in the home caretaking without much ability to engage in activities outside the home. In the beginning, there was this renaissance happening where parents and caregivers were scrambling to figure out how to operate in the "new normal." This scramble ignited creativity for many folks. They could make time in the home more conducive for remote learning or found alternative activities to celebrate special occasions. I have heard many parents express a burnt-out feeling where they feel depleted and defeated. I want to take a second and normalize that. What was projected to last two weeks is going on a year. The finish line was moved, and expectations changed several times over. Factor in the difficulties connecting with other parents, support systems, and professionals at the same time.

Please try to remember that you have been doing the best you can in an unprecedented time. Your kids (human, furry, or leafy) will remember the effort you put in, not necessarily all the ways you feel you have failed. Also, here is this nifty website created by psychologists who are also parents living in this pandemic. They offer short videos and tips for pandemic parenting.

Mental Health

We have seen an increase in inquiries about mental health services this year due to the stress brought on by the virus and TeleHealth becoming more widely available as a more accessible option. I would also like to acknowledge the uptick in substance use disorders and anxiety diagnoses. (Read specifics in this brief from the Kaiser Family Foundation) Circumstances that are already difficult have been made worse by additional, unprecedented hardship.

Overall, this year has been a ginormous collective challenge that pointed out or exacerbated problem areas in our personal lives and society as a whole (in our criminal justice, educational, and healthcare systems especially). Try to find understanding for yourself and honor the different parts of your life that the COVID-19 virus has impacted. Give yourself props for adapting to the many changes you had to make, even when you were unsure that they would help.

Finally, the CDC has recommendations listed here for coping with the stress you may be experiencing due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

Adapt to Accomplish

By, Kayla Harris, MA, AMFT

I don't know about you, but when I hear "productivity" or "efficiency," I immediately picture working myself like a robot to get things done. Lately, I've been chasing "accomplishment" instead. Accomplished is a feeling we get when we overcome things that are challenging for us. It's also the feeling I get when I've spent my time wisely and dedicated the necessary energies to a task. Sometimes, I feel accomplished when I say "no" to things people ask of me.

The COVID-19 pandemic has changed work for a lot of folks. Outside of jobs, people are also grappling with immense feelings of uncertainty, loss, and even hopelessness. We are coping in the best ways we can. Some people are trying to regain some semblance of normalcy by using as much time as possible to be "productive." What is that by your standards? How does that differ from society's expectations? Or your friends/colleagues? Please remember this is an unprecedented time! You are figuring it out like everyone else. I'm here to arm you with some new strategies to ultimately help you feel more accomplished and empowered rather than shamed and overwhelmed.

Note: Some people are magical and do not need to write/type things out to remember to do them. I am not one of those people, so most of my strategies below involve jotting things down! No matter how you work, take whatever suits you, and try it on!

To-Do Lists

• Start with a brain dump of all the things you worry about getting done. Put it to paper, write it in a note on your phone, in an email to yourself, whatever!

• Try sorting them by the due date or by the level of importance to you.

• You may even want to categorize or color code them by source and sort them that way. For example, things your job asks of you would be in one color. Then tasks you'd like to do around your home would be another color. Items your family needs from you would be in a different color, and so on. Sometimes, examining who is asking what of us can help to see where we are overexerting ourselves and where we need to establish firmer boundaries or delegate!

*TIP: Categorizing and switching up different tasks may help to break up the monotony of your workday. Suppose you are working from home, chipping away at an intense project, and struggling to stay focused. In that case, you could tackle a small task from your household category before going back to work. Or if you're physically at work, instead of drudging through a project for hours, check and respond to emails, or use a different part of your brain for a little bit.

Time vs. Energy Grid

I recently learned this from a therapist on TikTok (@the.truth.doctor), and it has been a game-changer!

1. Draw a Tic-Tac-Toe grid on a sheet of paper, sticky note, or in your planner.

2. Next, write LOW, MED, and HIGH above the top 3 boxes. This represents how much of your energy you need to complete a task.

3. Turn the paper and write 3 segments of time along the side axis. These are rough estimates of how long it might take you to finish things. I use "less than or equal to 30 min.," "about an hour," and "greater than or equal to two hours" on mine. See below.

4. Take whatever list of to-dos you have and plug tasks into the grid based on how much energy and time each task will take. As you go through your day, think about how much of each you have to devote to something and then work on something that is within those parameters. The crucial part of this is to be honest with yourself about how much energy/time you have and take breaks or switch gears when struggling to stay on-task.

*TIP: Highlight with category-specific colors when you finish tasks for an extra accomplished feeling and to see where you spent your time!

Pomodoro Timing

• The basic premise is that you set aside time to dig into work while also honoring breaks. So as you go through your tasks, you may feel the pull to get distracted, but with this technique, you can simply jot down that distraction and know that you'll come back to it when you get your break.

• Pick a task you'd like to work on. Then set a timer for 25 minutes of uninterrupted work time. Work the entire time and when the timer goes off, take a quick break, maybe 5 minutes. Then set the timer again for another 25 minutes and dive back into your project. Once you've completed 4 rounds of this, reward yourself with a nice long break (20-30 minutes)!

• You'll be amazed at how much you can get done when you allow yourself the time to dig into work and take breaks periodically. Here's a website that outlines all the potential benefits of the technique and how to customize it for you: https://francescocirillo.com/pages/pomodoro-technique

*TIP: During breaks, get some steps in, drink water, snack, do whatever makes you feel energized to keep going for the day!

Mindset Shift

Sometimes it can feel like we are our own worst enemy when it comes to getting things done. Work feels better when we are on our own side.

• Try and shift even just the way you talk about your duties (whether you get them done or not!) using "will" instead of "should." There is a massive difference between "I should have gotten X done yesterday" and "I didn't get to X yesterday, so I will get it done today!"

• Fake it 'til you make it - Act as if you are the master of your schedule! Of course, you probably have bosses and obligations that dictate what you have to do for the day, but take control of your schedule where you can and make it work for YOU.

• Schedule unmovable things in your planner/calendar in sharpie (kid pick-ups, family events, medical appointments, etc.)

• Write specific tasks in pencil/erasable pen - give yourself some room to adjust! You are the one who has to get these things done after all!

• Set up your weekdays to be "themed" tasks- "I don't have to make the house spotless today. Friday is my cleaning day." "I'm too tired on Sundays. I'd rather meal prep on Tuesdays." The big thing here is to actually follow through on the tasks you set aside for a specific day. And keep in mind you can always adjust that! Do laundry on Wednesdays if that's what works for you.

• Say no, delegate, and ask for help when you need it!

I hope you found tidbits you can use in your day-to-day life. Remember, strive for the feeling of accomplishment, not some grinding level of productivity.

How to Better Cope, Help, and Balance Your Needs in Our Political/Environmental/Emotional World

By Sasha Taskier, LMFT

As of September 1st, 2019, “which was the 244th day of the year, there have been 283 mass shootings in the U.S.” (source); we have experienced more shootings than days. As I type this, Hurricane Dorian is barreling its way across the Bahamas and towards the southeastern coast of the United States and families are still being separated at our borders and within our country. Between these catastrophic natural disasters and terrifying acts of terrorism, we are living in a climate of fear that can wreak havoc on our emotional wellness and mental health.

I know I have struggled to navigate my own feelings on these topics and the state of our political and environmental climate, but it comes up in my therapy sessions on an almost daily basis. I have cried with parents who cannot fathom the idea of their child being taken away from them and I have empathized with parents who are scared to send their kids to school or let their teenagers go to outdoor concerts for fear of yet another mass shooting. People are trying to understand how they can be more mindful of the environment and how that can impact some of their most intimate choices (like, should we have children if we do not know what the planet will look like in the next 50 years?).

Most of us are trying to understand how to live our normal, daily lives while we simultaneously fear for the safety of ourselves and our loved ones. It is taking an emotional toll, and it’s creating a spike in our collective anxiety.

Here are some topics to consider on the subject:

Media Intake

Limit your media; Either tune in occasionally in order to stay engaged and informed, or curate your intake very intentionally (ie. choose one podcast, or one newspaper), but do not feel bad turning off your twitter feed, turning off the news or closing your computer for some time. You are not disengaged or unfeeling if you decide not to watch violent footage, or become inundated with negative news cycles. It is imperative to create boundaries to protect your mental health and to respect your own limitations.

Meaningful tips on media consumption, from Brené Brown.

Seek Support

If you notice a rise in your fear and anxiety, or you’re struggling to manage your emotions as these tragic events continue to unfold, it might be worthwhile to seek some additional support. You can search for a therapist by zip code and/or specialty through Psychology Today.

Collective Healing

Reach out to friends and family. We are creatures of connection – and in times of threat and despair, we sometimes need to embrace our inner ‘pack animal.’ Put down your phone, and spend time with your people IRL; presence can be healing. Additionally, if you know someone who may not have family or friends nearby, reach out to them: invite them for coffee or have them over for dinner. Even something as simple as a text to tell someone you are thinking of them and hoping they are ok, means more to them than you realize. No one should have to feel alone during such a scary and uncertain time.

Get Involved

There is nothing worse than the feeling of helplessness that follow these horrific events; No, we cannot change what has taken place, but there is enormous healing in engagement and collective action. You can turn towards your local community and find a volunteer opportunity nearby. Connecting and helping in person may feel especially rewarding.

• If you’re in Chicago, this is a great resource: https://www.chicagocares.org/

If you are feeling compelled to turn your attention towards gun reform, these organizations have opportunities both to donate and volunteer. There are numerous events and meetings around Chicagoland - just search below:

• Every Town for Gun Safety: https://everytown.org/

• Moms Demand Action: https://momsdemandaction.org/

Red Cross - you can donate directly to those who have been impacted by Hurricane Dorian

[Unfortunately, I felt inclined to write a similar blog post almost two years ago after the Las Vegas shooting, which occurred right on the heels of a shooting in Texas, and the horrific earthquake in Mexico City. You can read my thoughts and many recycled tips from October 2017, here]

Strategies to Move Through a Breakup

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By Michaela Choy, AMFT

Around Valentine’s Day, I’m reminded of beautiful ways we can honor our loving relationships, and I’m mindful of those who feel alone and hurt – particularly those who have recently ended relationships. Breakups are profoundly painful phases that drain our emotional and physical states, and they will most likely impact you at one point or another. The following list includes strategies to implement at any point during a breakup process. Incorporating some of these ideas will restore your energy and help you create a new normal.

1. Kindness

Do one good thing for yourself each day. This can range from a small gesture of kindness to something larger. Getting a special coffee from your favorite coffee shop, cooking yourself a nourishing and delicious meal, going to the movies, or getting a massage are some examples.

2. Connect with Your Greatest Support Systems

Set up time to see friends or family and schedule at least one or two of these get-togethers each week. This can be helpful for a few reasons. One, surrounding yourself with supportive connection can feel healing. Two, it gives you some structure in the week and forces you to get out into the world. There are open pockets of time that you and your past partner once spent together, and this is one way to fill that time meaningfully. If family and friends are far away, consider setting up phone calls or trips to see them.

3. Reflection

At times, you may want to create a list of reasons why the relationship didn’t serve you. Be honest with yourself about the ways this relationship impacted you. It’s normal to think of both good and bad impact.

If you are ready to take a step further in your reflection, notice the ratio of good to bad. Ask yourself if you had awareness of this picture while you were in this relationship and begin think of ways you can you build greater awareness going into your next relationship.

Reflection with this list can be particularly helpful if you hoping to get back together or stay apart.

4. Physical Movement

Go for a walk or try a new workout class. Joining a sports league or a weekly fitness class can not only help your body feel better but also add structure to your routine.

5. Distraction

Create a list of go-to, feel-good things when you have inevitable moments of emptiness. Think of activities you can do when you’re alone and activities you can do with friends or family. Moments of intense loneliness and pain can appear out of nowhere. A premeditated list of activities will give you options in moments where your thought energy is lacking.

5 Grounding Exercises for When Anxiety Hits

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By Caitlin Nelson, LMFT

Anxiety is often not a favorite feeling. It can make us feel panicky, tense and not in control. While helpful in small amounts, anxiety can feel overwhelming when it is more intense. Grounding techniques are helpful in-the-moment exercises to decrease those feelings of anxiety and bring us back to the present. Here are five quick grounding exercises to try when you’re feeling anxious:

1. The “54321” Technique

- Name 5 things you can see right now (tree, bookcase, etc)

- Name 4 things you can feel right now (feet on floor, back on couch, etc)

- Name 3 things you can hear right now (music, people talking outside, etc)

- Name 2 things you can smell right now (fresh air, food cooking, etc)

- Name 1 good thing about yourself (I am thoughtful, I am strong, etc)

2. The Category Game

Try to name as many different items in a category that you can remember, such as different types of dog breeds, movies you’ve seen, cities you’ve visited, types of food, etc.

3. Square Breathing

- Inhale for 4 seconds

- Hold for 4 seconds

- Exhale for 4 seconds

- Hold for 4 seconds

- Repeat

Focus on how your breath feels coming in and out of your body during this exercise, and make sure to breathe from your diaphragm so that your belly expands before your chest.

4. Repeat a mantra or soothing statement to yourself

- “I can handle this”

- “This feeling will pass”

- “I am safe right now”

5. Remind yourself of things you are looking forward to in the next week

- Trying a new restaurant

- Going to a movie

- Spending time with a friend

PART II: STAYING CONNECTED WITH YOUR PARTNER DURING INFERTILITY

By Karen focht, ma, lmft

What an amazing experience to be apart of the Shine Fertility support call a few weeks back.  For a summary of what was covered please visit here!