Self Care - Redesigned

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Self care is a term that has really taken off in the past few years. As the awareness of mental health began to increase, so did the idea of self care. Unfortunately, it has become capitalized on and therefore been reduced to this idea of face masks, candles, and bubble baths. Which are absolutely a PART of self care, but not the whole. Self care is a lifestyle not a “thing” to do. So let’s talk about nine different types of self care and how to incorporate them into your life.

Physical Self-Care is taking care of physical wellness and overall health. Some ways to practice self care for your body physically are getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, moving your body in ways that feel good, making and keeping doctor appointments, eating nutrient dense foods and getting enough fresh air/sunlight.

Emotional Self-Care is taking care of your emotions using empathy and self compassion. Ways to practice this would be journaling, therapy, emotional check ins with yourself, self compassion, releasing energy through music or art, asking for help when you need it and managing your stress.

Social Self-Care is a type of care that involves health family, friend and romantic relationships. It is important when fulfilling this type to spend time with safe people, create and maintain health boundaries, understand and follow through on your emotional battery (balancing alone time and social time depending on individual needs), and asking for support from safe people.

Spiritual Self-Care this care often involves religious beliefs, but is important to remember this involved any activity that nurtures your spirit, soul and allows you to think about something bigger than yourself. Examples include meditation, yoga, going to a place of worship, spending time in nature, prayer, reflecting, etc.

Personal Self-Care prioritizes doing things that honor what you enjoy, need and want. This can include enjoying hobbies, treating yourself (traditional self care of face masks, spa, candle, etc), trying something new, and spending time alone.

Home Environment Self-Care can be a bit of a challenge for some because this can often be out of your control, particularly for kids and teens. This type of self care involved maintaining a safe, functional and comfortable home space. This can look like having physical safety and stability, but also includes having a clean, comfy organized space in whatever form that applies to you.

Financial Self-Care is another challenging one because it often can be somewhat out of people’s control. This means maintaining financial goals and obligations. Self-care in this form often involves saving, researching budget information, paying bills, managing money and budgeting, and getting advice from financial experts (this can be personalized, but also through a podcast or internet source).

Intellectual Self-Care addresses the inner thinker and lifetime learner that exists in all of us. This type of care involves expanding your knowledge, mindset or reasoning. Some examples to foster this include reading, listening to podcasts, watching documentaries, or even researching into a specific topic that interests you.

It is not necessary to do all of these everyday because first, that’s unrealistic and second, you don’t usually need all nine in one day. There will be some moments you are craving intellectual self care, so lean into that. There will be seasons of life that need more of one kind of self care than the other, so again go with that by listening to your brain and body. All you can do is your best!

The Dilemma of Attachment and Authenticity

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Trauma expert and renowned physician Gabor Maté has a new book out that I highly recommend. He writes poignantly about something that therapists talk about every day with clients. In “The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture,” he states that the most widespread form of trauma in our society is the lower case “t” trauma of “disconnection from the self” in order to have attachment needs met by our parents. Because it is a largely invisible process, unlike upper case “T” trauma, people are often unable to identify how their childhood affected their development. I wanted to share Maté’s explanation of this process on the blog because I think this concept is essential for adults to understand as they self-reflect, and for parents to consider as they raise children.

Attachment is the core drive for proximity, responsiveness, and attunement from our caregivers from infancy and beyond.

Authenticity is the other core need: to be true to oneself, to honor our “gut” feelings, to express our felt emotions.

Maté explains the dilemma in these terms: “What happens if our needs for attachment are imperiled by our authenticity, our connection to what we truly feel?”

Maté tells us that the outcome of that dilemma is pre-determined. When a child senses that being true to their sense-of-self will not be acceptable to a parent, the child will conform to please the parent. We will always “secure our physical or emotional survival by relinquishing who we are and how we feel”. This adaptation is not something we have control over in childhood. Feedback loops with our caregivers over time get wired into our nervous systems and the internal adaptation to privilege inauthenticity becomes second nature. We even tell ourselves that certain traits within our personality are “who we are” instead of what they really are: the “scars of where we lost connection to ourselves”. A few examples of these traits are people-pleasing, hyper-responsibility, stoicism, perfectionism, compulsively charming, compulsively helping. Many of these adaptations in our families-of-origin are reinforced by society as admirable.

These adaptations work for us into adulthood until they don’t. There are costly consequences for repressing one’s thought, feelings and needs. Maté’s book impressively documents the link between inauthenticity and physical illness. Other consequences may be divorce, depression, addiction, and midlife fragmentation. These crises tend to force us to examine the self-concepts we hold. Often, these moments lead us to therapy.

Thankfully, Maté doesn’t leave us hopeless. He writes that developing self-awareness and self-compassion can carry us back toward authenticity. We can re-train the brain and nervous systems to expect both needs, attachment and authenticity, to simultaneously be served in our adult relationships.

Reference:

Maté, G. and Maté D. (2022). A Traumatic Tension: Attachment vs. Authenticity. In The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture; (pp. 96-112). Penguin Random House.

Sleep Anxiety Struggles

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Falling asleep can sometimes seem like a battle, especially when anxiety starts to creep in and suddenly all of your worries are swirling around in your mind. It is truly hard to fall asleep, even if your body is tired, when your mind won’t rest. Everyone is different and there is not one magical tip that works for all, but by changing some routines and habits around nighttime, it may help improve overall relaxation and worry leading up to bedtime!

1. Try sleeping focused meditations: Meditation’s purpose is to bring you into the present moment, to ease your mind, and to focus on your breathing. There are so many different types of meditations to try, but looking up sleeping meditations (use of an app or just searching in YouTube) can be very useful when it comes to relaxing a busy mind. Body scan meditations are specifically helpful when it comes to this because you are guided through focusing on each individual part of your body and relaxing any tension in your body.

2. Write a list of everything you are worried about: Sometimes our anxiety feels like it holds so much power, but when you write out your concerns, you are taking the power back. Often times, listed out, our worries and fears don’t look as scary or overwhelming as we once thought.

3. Focus on the things within your control: Following that, focus on the worries or concerns that are within your control. Often times, anxiety focuses on things that are completely out of our control and we have no power altering. Let go of the things that we cannot change because it may never even happen. Your anxiety is not a fortune-teller of what is to come in the future. It is just our fears turned into anxious and negative thoughts. Also, it is important to focus on the things you can control right in that moment because I bet there are not a lot of things that you can do while you’re in bed trying to fall asleep.

4. Read: This is a very relaxing activity to do before bed and can keep your mind busy leading to tiredness.

5. Create a bedtime routine: Going off of reading, creating a nighttime routine focused on relaxation and non-stressful activities/tasks is very beneficial when it comes to easing sleep anxiety. Creating a routine of things you look forward to doing is a form of self-care. Whether that is doing your skincare routine, reading, stretching, journaling, showering, or meditating, the key is to focus on the tasks that are not going to cause additional worries or concerns, but the activities that are going to cultivate calm energy.

6. Avoid use of screens: If possible, not looking at your phone before bed is a healthy sleep time habit. When you look at your phone screen or TV, your brain is stimulated and “lights up” delaying when you start to feel sleepy.

7. Avoid harsh lighting: Similar to use of screens, turning on bright lights at night can wake you up and do the opposite of relaxing you. Studies show that red light therapy can help with both depression and anxiety. Because of this, switching your bedroom lights to red lightbulbs can help ease anxiety especially before bed.

8. A to Z technique: This technique is helpful once again to focus your mind on something low risk, fun, and calming. You can pick any topic or category you would like (sports, food, songs, shows, animals, etc.) and go A through Z naming one thing within the topic that starts with each letter of the alphabet. This is a fun twist on “counting sheep”!

9. Listen to calming music or relaxing noises: This can definitely be different for everyone, but listening to classical music, rain sounds, ocean sounds, or even just using a white noise machine can help your mind have something to focus on rather than what you have to do tomorrow.

As stated before, not everything listed is going to work for everyone because everyone is unique and different! The purpose of this is to give techniques and tricks to try out when it comes to combating sleep anxiety. It never hurts to try something new especially when it comes to taking power back from your anxiety at night! It is so important to be getting enough rest at night so don’t let your anxiety focus on the countdown till the morning, but focus on the present moment and what you can do to help destress and get to sleep quicker.

Improving Your Relationship With Food

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Every single person on this planet has a relationship with food. It is something we need to exist and fuel our bodies, yet so many people have unhealthy or complicated relationships with it. When we break it down it can seem so silly to think negatively about something that keeps us alive. Society and the media has certainly impacted the view of food through the generations and while it is improving, there is still a large portion of the population that struggles with food. 

I often have clients coming into session struggling with the morality surrounding food, weight loss or gain, exercise and all of these things society has moralized regarding our bodies. If you’re someone who struggles with this, here are some ways to improve your view of food. 

1. Don’t assign morality to food. 

Food does not, and should not, be categorized as “good” or “bad”. It is important to shift your mindset from this black and white thinking and allow the grey area to exist. There are absolutely nutritional differences between a fruit versus a potato chip, but that does not mean one is morally superior. 

2. Improve balance in your diet

It’s important to have a wide variety of foods in our diet to ensure we are meeting our nutritional needs, as well as enjoying food to the fullest extent. Our bodies need foods like fruits, vegetables, healthy fats, carbs, etc, but our bodies also need fun foods like chips and candy to have nutritional and emotional balance. 

3. Practice flexibility 

There will certainly be times in life where access to certain foods isn’t easy. For example, airports are a location that it can be a bit more challenging to find fresh fruits and vegetables. This is a perfect opportunity to practice flexibility, whether that means packing a snack that is nutrient dense, or allowing yourself to have a day full of fun foods at the airport. 

4. Don’t compare your plate to others

It can be easy to compare what you’re having to others whether it be the items or amount. Practice focusing on what your body wants and needs, not how much other people want or need. Each body is different and therefore needs different amounts and kinds of foods at various times. 

5. Practice mindful eating

We live in a very fast paced world, which often pushes us out of the present or distracts us from what we’re currently doing. I know sometimes the focus is just on making sure you eat, but it’s important to listen to your body. Pay attention to your hunger cues, what kinds of foods will make you feel satiated and when you begin to feel full. 

Self Compassion & Cleaning Your House

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

I’m not sure if anyone has told you lately, but... You aren’t a bad person if you struggle to keep your home nice and neat.

Lately, I’ve been reading this book called “How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing” by this really awesome LPC named KC Davis. In her book, she talks about an idea that seemed radical to me- housekeeping tasks are care tasks & care tasks are morally neutral. A lot of us may have grown up in homes where we were punished for having a messy room or for not cleaning up after ourselves after playing with toys etc... The tricky part is, when we’re young, we don’t realize that getting in trouble is often more about our caregivers’ relationship to mess than it is about us. So instead, we think “oh it is hard for my caregiver to love me when my room is a mess, I’d better clean up” thus internalizing shame about mess. Maybe caregivers didn’t intend to send that message, but that’s how it is often received. And while messiness doesn’t automatically equal “we are bad people,” it can sure feel that way when you are in trouble and maybe are called names like “lazy” on top of it.

Flash forward to you as an adult. No wonder you’re dreading some of the cleaning. You may not have ever developed a positive relationship with cleaning because it may have always made you feel inadequate. So of course, there would be times where you avoid it! Who WOULD lean into situations that make them feel unworthy or not good enough? Avoiding things that make us feel bad is normal.

So how can we help make our cleaning, organizing, and home management tasks feel “better”?

One of my favorite things KC proposes in her book is an approach to cleaning that she calls “The Five Things Tidying Method.” I think it’s pretty accessible for lots of folks so I thought I would paraphrase the steps for you in this blog:

Look around at your “messy” space. According to KC, everything in it can be broken down into 5 categories: 1. Trash, 2. Dishes, 3. Laundry, 4. Things that have a designated place but are not in their place, & 5. Things that don’t have a place.

1. First you start with just gathering all the trash together. You do not take it out yet.

2. Then you find all the dishes in the living room, kitchen, bedrooms, etc. and place them next to the sink. You do not wash them yet.

3. Next you grab a laundry basket of some kind and put all the clothes, accessories, and shoes in it that you can find scattered throughout the house. Put the baskets next to your trash pile. You might have more than one basket of “clothes” and that’s okay.

4. After that, go to each space in your home where things have a designated spot. (Desks, shelves, bathroom counters, etc.) Put each of those things in their assigned spot. If you come across anything that doesn’t have a place, put it in a pile. Stop in one area, put things away in that area, and gather a pile of misfit items. The result will be a lot of somewhat tidy areas with the exception of small piles of things that don’t have a place.

5. Next, you get to reassess each of those placeless items. You can decide if something is clutter or if it is important enough to get a permanent place. Some of those items will have a place but in a different area of the house. Put them away if that is the case.

6. Finally, take the trash out. Put the laundry bin in the laundry room (or somewhere out of the way, but where you will still be able to see it and remember to do the laundry later). Now you will have a space that feels more livable. Excellent job you! Save the dishes for another day.

So many people feel like if they can’t keep a home pristine clean all the time, they are somehow not worthy. That is simply not true. And when tasks pile up at home and things look/feel cluttered, that can be incredibly stressful and demotivating at the same time. The “5 things method” is great because rather than looking around and trying to prioritize every item and decide which tasks to tackle first, you have an outlined order that you can keep coming back to. For example, you can scan the living room space for just dishes and put those near the sink rather than trying to grab every single thing you see and run around the house putting them away. And as you go through KC’s method, things will naturally feel less cluttered, and you may start to feel more encouraged by the progress you’re seeing.

The other great thing about this approach is you could stop after step 1 or 2 and save the rest for another day. Doing all the steps in one day does not make you inherently “better” than the you that only has the time/energy/bandwidth to do steps 1-3. Jussayin.

If shaming yourself into cleaning worked, it would have worked already, yes? And you’d have a constantly immaculate home every day to show for it. But at what cost? And sure, sometimes we convince ourselves that we “need to be hard on ourselves in order to get things done”, but if you could get things done and NOT feel like crap, wouldn’t that be nice? Because let me tell ya, you deserve it. Both a space that feels livable to you, AND a sense of freedom from the shame cycle.

Resources:

KC’s Book

KC’s Website

• She has lots of tips & resources for new self-compassionate ways to approach the various parts of your life

• If you’re more of a “learn from Tik Tok” person, she has some of her TT content on there also!

• This is not a sponsored post, lol. I’ve been reading this book and having some revelations that I wanted to share. 😊

Into The Great Unknown: Why is Job Change Viewed Negatively?

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Recently, I have been hearing a lot about individuals, mostly in their mid 20s to early 30s, wanting to change jobs or career paths. Along with that idea has also come a lot of anxiety, fear, shame, and judgement. I am here to say that it is OKAY to want to change jobs. According to CNBC, “The Great Resignation” is continuing in 2022 with 44% of employees seeking new jobs. Post pandemic life for most people is looking very different. We were so use to a busy lifestyle full of hustle and bustle. When all of that was halted, many people were forced to slow down and re-evaluate their priorities in life; work being one of them. Currently, one-third of new employees quit after six months according to the latest turnover statistics (ShortLister, 2022). If this post resonates with you, I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way! The purpose of sharing this and writing this blog post is to normalize change and to normalize not wanting to stay in the same job forever.

There is a lot of stigma from society around quick turnover rates and employees not being “lifers” at a company, but what I wish more people would remind themselves is that just like we grow and change every day, so can our passions, interests, desires, priorities, and goals in life. With that, wouldn’t it only make sense for people to seek a job or career change at certain points in life, especially if it doesn’t feel like it is a right fit? I believe it is a sign of growth and evolution.

Along with this, I am also hearing a lot about my clients seeking different jobs/career paths to find more of a work/life balance. I believe this is a mindset that shifted due to the pandemic especially. With this slower paced lifestyle, people were able to open their eyes to what was important to them in their every day lives: family, friends, traveling, etc. This is not to say that work is not important, but it is important to recognize that work does not have to be everything in life. Everyone needs time off and breaks to be able to show up and be the best version of themselves. It is healthy to have that balance!

I want to recognize the privilege in being able to switch jobs or career paths as well because not everyone has that luxury. When thinking about this, there is a saying: “we should work to live, not live to work” meaning that yes, everyone needs to work to make a living and provide for themselves and their families, but life is also so much more than your job. Your self-worth does not need to solely be wrapped up in a current role or position. You are more than just that; you are made up of so many unique qualities and characteristics that make you, you. I recognize fully that a job change is incredibly scary and can come with a lot of uncertainty, but the unknown isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes what comes out of the unknown is even more amazing than you ever could have imagined, but taking that initial step towards change will be the only way to find out.

Sources:

-Short Lister, 2022: https://www.myshortlister.com/insights/employment-turnover-statistics

-CNBC: Greg Iacurci: https://www.cnbc.com/2022/03/22/great-resignation-continues-as-44percent-of-workers-seek-a-new-job.html

Scheduling Time for Rest

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

I often find myself sitting with clients who feel like they need to be doing more, whether it be at work, in their personal life, in their relationships, and even in regards to their mental health. For a while I thought maybe it was just a certain type of client, perhaps those high achieving perfectionists. I’ve started to notice every single client is feeling this way in at least one area of their life.

 In recent years there is a lot of language around “boss babes” and this idea that we constantly as humans need to be moving and being productive. The intensity level of hustle culture has reinforced to everyone that if you’re not busy and running yourself ragged then you aren’t doing enough. This is incredibly false. 

Productivity is a concept I find many people struggle with. The constant push and pull to be productive while desperately wanting and needing rest seems to be never ending. The thing is though, rest IS productive. Our bodies inherently need rest to function and be able to be our most productive selves with the other areas of our lives. Let's use marathon training for an example, most people don’t run 20 miles the day before running a marathon. In fact, they don’t usually run for the two or three days leading up to the marathon. They do this so that their legs are well rested and ready to run their fastest and longest distance. 

Life is kind of like a marathon, so when you do something big like run 26 miles, you need to rest before and after. This doesn’t just apply to the big stuff, but the small events in life as well.  One way I find it helpful to force yourself to rest is by scheduling it. Try picking a specific day a week to have just time for yourself to lounge, watch tv, do whatever you want that feels restful to YOU. Rest looks different to everyone, so make sure you’re listening to your body.

The Last Taboo: Couples and Money

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Social media has broken down the walls around previously taboo subjects such as sex and politics. But talking about money is the last taboo. Friends, family members, and partners in intimate relationships will talk about anything else to avoid disclosures about what’s in their bank account or how much they earn. And yet, couples fight more about money than anything else. Here are just three examples of those chronic triggers: To what degree do earnings dictate power in the household? What are the differences between transparency, privacy, and secrecy? Do we merge our money or keep it separate? How do we plan for retirement?

Money is said to be the leading cause of divorce. So what is the sequence of dysfunction?

Discord about finances → financial strain → marital strain → decreased relationship satisfaction → decreased relationship stability → increased likelihood of divorce.

Studies confirm that in the area of money, it holds true that opposites attract. One tends to spend and one tends to save. We enter into a partnership with someone who has a constitutionally different orientation toward money and we enter that partnership with zero practice talking about that difference.

Therapists know that a person’s yearnings, fears, vulnerabilities, values, and hopes are all wrapped up in money. And most of these money beliefs and values are formed in childhood. When a couple enters therapy with financial discord, often, the first thing a therapist will do is create a financial genogram with them. This diagram tells the intergenerational history of money beliefs and values in each partner’s family. Learning about each other’s money stories helps expand understanding, curiosity, and empathy which tend to promote new pathways for choice, healing, and teamwork.

Here are some questions that couples can use on their own to prompt open conversations:

- What did you love about your parent’s relationship to money?

- What are some things about your parent’s relationship you want to leave in the past?

- What’s your first money memory?

A recent development in the field of marriage and family therapy is the appreciation for how profound financial discord can be on the health of relationships. This has led to an emerging niche within our industry: Financial Therapy. Financial therapists help couples connect the past to the present, emotions to behavior, and see how each one may be contributing to a dysfunctional cycle. These therapists are trained to understand the financial housekeeping practices that produce best outcomes and they are able to guide clients toward adopting these healthy habits.

To learn more about connecting with a Financial Therapist you can start by asking for a referral from a therapist you currently work with or use this database:

References:

1. David J. Mumford & Gerald R. Weeks (2003) The Money Genogram, Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 14:3, 33-44, DOI: 10.1300/J085v14n03_03

2. AAMFT Podcast

Tips and Tools for Dividing Up Household Tasks

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Many couples often come to therapy to work on communication and conflict resolution skills. What we then discuss many times is conflict over household tasks and division of those tasks. I tend to find that the small things become the big things when left undiscussed and unresolved. This can lead to resentment and frustration if one partner feels that they are doing all of the work around the house. That is what we want to avoid. Here are some helpful tips and tools to lessen the constant conflict over keeping the home clean and tidy.

1. Express your expectations - Partners should be on the same page and understand the needs and expectations that their partner has for them and for the state of the home.

2. Compromise - There may be certain tasks or chores that are not you or your partner’s favorite to do (cleaning the bathrooms for example) so depending on how often you do these specific tasks, try to switch out with one another. If you clean the bathroom this week, then it is your partner’s turn next week. This way, you are still working as a team to get the task done. Also, keeping in mind that compromise may need to happen when it comes to expectations. Some things are not going to be perfect all of the time. You do want to be able to live in your home as well! Trying to figure out the middle point that feels good for both partners is important sometimes too.

3. Create a list of household tasks - Work together to come up with all of the tasks and chores that get done both daily and weekly. Then, discuss how you want to divide up those tasks to you, your partner, and to both of you together.

4. Discuss your daily schedules/routines - Depending on work schedules and daily routines, there may be certain tasks or chores that just naturally make more sense for one partner to do over the other, but make sure the amount/types of tasks still feels doable and fair for both.

5. Identify strengths and weaknesses - Similar to the tip above, there may be certain tasks that one partner can do a lot easier than the other so it is important to discuss your strengths and weaknesses together and divide up the tasks accordingly. What is going to feel comfortable and easy for one partner, may feel challenging and uncomfortable for the other.

6. Be compassionate and patient with each other - Some habits are hard to break so give it some time for you and your partner to improve on your cleaning routines and habits. If your partner has never put their towel away after showering, they are not going to magically wake up and remember to do this. It takes some time to break the habit to then create the new one. Give them gentle reminders to help, but avoid using blaming language or shaming them for forgetting.

7. Act as a team - Remember that you are working together; not against each other! This is a huge one. You are working together to keep the home clean and tidy. The problem in not you or your partner. The problem is the dirty home and how the two of you can fix the problem together.

The Science of Self-Compassion Over Self-Criticism

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Clients are often skeptical when I suggest that choosing to cultivate and listen to an inner voice of self-compassion will move them closer to their goals. They are especially skeptical when I tell them that this is proven to work much better than listening to their harsh inner self-critic.

I fully understand their reaction. Their skepticism surfaces because what I am telling them feels counter-intuitive. Logic tells us that if we push ourselves, we’ll work harder. If we’re kind to ourselves, clients ask me “won’t I get lazy?”

Thankfully we have research to answer this question for us. Research shows us that self-criticism undermines motivation. Here’s why.

We have a reptilian brain that evolved to keep us safe from threats. When we criticize ourselves we activate our body’s fight or flight response system. This means our bodies become flooded with the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline to ready us for action against a threat. Someone who is constantly judging and criticizing themself experiences high levels of stress. At a certain point it becomes too much: the body and brain have to shut down. This shut down is depression. And depression is not a motivational state of mind. We become the attacker and the attacked all in one.

Thankfully, we are also mammals. And a key feature of being a mammal is the early attachment between mother and infant that creates a safe nurturing environment to grow. Our bodies and brains are programmed to respond to warmth, gentle touch, and soft vocalizations. When we give ourselves compassion, we activate the mammalian caregiver system which releases feel-good hormones oxytocin and opiates. When we give ourselves compassion we reduce our cortisol levels. And, when we feel safe and comforted, we are in our optimal mind state to do our best.

References:

Ted Talk “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion” by Kristen Neff

“Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” by Kristin Neff (Harper Collins, 2011)

“Good Morning I Love You” by Shauna Shapiro (Sounds True Press, 2020)

Reparenting Yourself: An Overview

By Kayla Harris, AMFT

Reparenting yourself is an approach to healing that is rooted in inner child-type work. This takes a lot of practice and patience with yourself!

The first task is seeing that we were deserving of love, support, encouragement, etc. from caregivers when we were younger. Think about a younger version of yourself who was really going through a tough time. Imagine them sitting next to you. If you asked them what they need, what would they say? Would they be able to name a caregiver who fulfills these needs?

The second task is recognizing that our caregiver(s) were flawed humans and for whatever reason were not able to give those things to us. Deep down you may have been longing all this time for a parental figure you never got; one you may not ever be able to have because it simply is not possible for them. Over time, we develop schemas about the world, other people, and ourselves.

Examples of negative schemas:

“My father was unreliable so ALL men can’t be trusted”

“I am hard to understand, so I am hard to love”

“When I’m not perfect, I don’t have value. I need to work as hard as possible at everything I do”

“My needs aren’t as important as others’, so I have to do everything for everyone else before doing anything for myself”

These thoughts may have provided a sense of safety and security in our youth, but as fully developed people, they no longer serve us in that way.

The third task of this (my favorite part) is being able to intentionally give ourselves the things that we’ve been craving. As adult, you are likely dealing with the same unmet needs from childhood. NOW you have the agency to choose or ask for support in meeting those needs. Reparenting yourself means you can select reparative experiences for yourself that make you feel good or help you grow.

Some examples of reparenting may be:

• A person who grew up desiring more physical affection from loved ones may surround themselves with friends who are consistently consensually affectionate.

• Someone who wanted more encouragement or validation growing up may find it healing to practice positive self-talk and affirmations in the mirror.

• A child who grew up feeling constantly unsafe may find peace in the ability as an adult to choose a home or neighborhood that makes them feels safe.

Parents: I am not blaming you. An adult child reparenting themselves does not mean you failed. Maybe there were times where you were (for any reason really) unable to give them what they expected and needed from you. I’d be willing to bet that you yourself have unmet needs from your own childhood. This is an intergenerational cycle that you can choose to interrupt. It’s never too late to reparent yourself! You’ve been yearning for things for far too long now and you deserve to give them to yourself!

Extras/Resources:

Article by Bryce Godfrey on impacts of unmet needs and some specifics about how to reparent yourself

YouTube video by Katie Morton, LMFT that provides an overview of reparenting using yourself and/or a therapist

Book by Yong Kang Chan provides a more in-depth look at the process of reparenting

Mindfulness and Communication: A Powerful Combination

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

What is Mindfulness? Mindfulness is a technique in which one focuses their full attention only on the present moment, experiencing thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgement. When we communicate with others, often our minds wonder to other things going on such as what we want to say next, what we want to do later that day, or what we want to eat for dinner. Mindfulness keeps us in the present moment and fully engaged in a conversation, while allowing thoughts and feelings to pass through. Without being mindful, we often are not fully responding or communicating in a thoughtful way. This can often lead to arguments or disagreements with a partner for example, if they are feeling unheard or misunderstood. Being mindful allows the other person to feel listened to, understood, prioritized, and overall valued. Mindfulness also can strengthen a relationship and bring people closer together when both individuals can put their devices down, focus on what is happening right in front of them, and fully connect.

What we all say is important, and we want to feel that the person we say those things to feels the way we do. We want to be shown that we matter, and our opinions, thoughts, and feelings also matter. We can prove that importance by exhibiting curiosity and asking questions as a result of being completely present and focused on what the other person is saying. If you notice that staying in the present moment in conversations or in general is often difficult, and that your mind strays away from the present moment, then consider practicing meditation or yoga. Both are great “exercises” to learn and adopt better mindfulness-based skills. Allow yourself the opportunity to see the powerful combination of mindfulness and communication in your everyday conversations and relationships.

Lets talk seasonal depression or seasonal affective disorder (SAD)

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

As the seasons change I think there is often a large range of mixed emotions. Excitement for the fall foliage, switching to cozy sweaters and candles, and those crisp mornings. Sadness for the loss of summer nights, perfect beach days and rooftop restaurants. Anxiety for what winter will bring - coldness and darkness. These are just a couple, among many more emotions that come up as we move into the colder months. While there is nothing that can be done about the weather changing, there are some tips and tricks that can be implemented to try and keep that seasonal depression or winter scaries away.

1. Bright light therapy - there are a lot of different options for this, but using artificial light can help your circadian rhythm stay regular. Using this for 20-30 minutes a day can help alleviate some of the symptoms of SAD.

2. Therapy - having someone to talk to during these difficult months can help alleviate some of the depressive symptoms you may experience.

3. Socialize regularly - the cold weather can make us not want to go out, so maybe plan to have a night in with some friends. Try planning something social at least once a week, even if it is just a facetime with a friend to catch up and hold yourself accountable.

4. Move your body - exercise has been shown to help alleviate symptoms of depression and improve mood overall. If you can’t exercise outside due to weather try joining a gym, borrowing a friend’s peloton, or even lifting some weights at home - there are a lot of free online classes available now.

5. Get enough vitamin D - this is something we get naturally from the sun in the Summer, but the winter months it is harder for our bodies to get enough of. Consider booking a trip somewhere tropical or talk to your doctor about adding a supplement to your daily routine. Either way, make sure you are getting enough!

Try to get ahead of the winter blues this year and make a plan for how to combat any symptoms you know you usually experience.

The Vulnerability Cycle Part 2

By Michaela Choy LMFT

In my last post, I introduced the concept of the vulnerability cycle which you can read more about here. This cycle can be damaging in relationships and create stuckness. In this post I’d like to present some ways to move through this. These are some ideas I have found helpful in my life and practice. I imagine with some discussion with your partner(s) and therapist, you may uncover others.

1. Name the cycle and map it out together. As a team, write out the cycle that continues to occur. Focus on what triggers the cycle, each person’s perception of the situation, and each person’s response. Having a map of the cycle can unite us against what’s feeling hard and remind us where and how we can get stuck. After you map this out, I encourage couples to name the cycle as it’s happening to build awareness. This can also slow down the cycle and give us a chance to create different choices. Identify these choice points and list out some different responses that help instead of hurt.

2. “The story I’m telling myself…” We can often assume intent or make deep meaning out of situations. I encourage partners to intentionally articulate when they are making meaning or assumptions by starting with, “the story i’m telling myself is…” This can help in several ways. One, it allows our partners into our inner world. They can know our fears, vulnerabilities, and sensitivities. Without knowing these, they won’t be able to be loving and attentive to our needs. Two, it allows for clarification. We can check out assumptions and meaning making with others and they can help us see if that is in fact happening or if there is more to the story we don’t see. This phrase comes from Brené Brown’s work on shame and vulnerability.

3. Share survival strategies with one another. I explain what a survival strategy is in my last post. If you need a refresher, click here. Sharing where these strategies come from, how they served us, and how we benefit from using these strategies can deepen compassion and understanding in couples. It can also depersonalize hurt that’s happening in cycles. Sometimes we are reacting to our partners. And sometimes we are reacting to something our partner is doing that feels familiar that has nothing to do with our partner. Share these and one day you may have a richer perspective in these moments.

   These are great starting points for unlocking cycles. I encourage you to explore other ways for moving through these moments. A therapist can be a helpful guide in navigating this if you need extra support.

   References: Restrepo, S. (Director). (2019). Brené Brown: The Call to Courage. [Video File]. Retrieved from https://www.netflix.com/title/81010166 Scheinkman, M., & DeKoven Fishbane, M. (2004). The vulnerability cycle: Working with impasses in couple therapy. Family Process, 43(3), 279-299.
   

A Case to be (a little more) Selfish

By Sasha Taskier, AFMT

The word selfish has such a negative connotation. From a young age, we are taught not to be ‘selfish’ – we are taught to share, to be generous, to even sometimes put others’ needs before our own. While all of these lessons remain important, and are a part of the recipe for harmonious and reciprocal relationships, I have to ask: have we taken it too far? Have we gotten stuck in a cycle of putting everyone and everything before ourselves?

Recently, I’ve been hearing more and more from clients, family, and friends just how exhausted they are. Exhausted by their work, by their social calendars, and by the expectations they’ve put upon themselves to be stellar employees, parents, friends, and partners. We’ve put an immense amount of pressure on ourselves to show up in these roles, and while I absolutely believe these efforts are meaningful and worthwhile, how long before we are trying to pour from an empty cup?

When I suggest to my clients that perhaps they need to focus a bit more on themselves, it is often met with resistance; “but, I have no time” or, “I know it’s bad, but this is just a difficult time of year” or, “I honestly have no idea what that would even look like.” I would be lying if I said I couldn’t identify with every one of those excuses, because they are true! We do have a litany of obligations; we do have friends and family depending on us; we do have impossible work schedules that make the idea of a regular exercise routine seemingly comical. And yet, I wonder, how far are we willing to push ourselves? And, more importantly, to what cost?

How can we be the stellar employees, friends, parents and partners we strive to be if we are running on fumes? How on earth can we respond to each other with compassion and patience when our reserves are diminished? I like to think about an electrical outlet – envision the many things plugging into you for energy: your families, your job, your home, even, maybe your pet… but what do you plug into? What is your energy source (and how often are you using it)?

Organizational psychologist and author of Grounded: How Leaders Stay Rooted in an Uncertain World, Bob Rosen states: “When you take care of yourself first, you show up as a healthy, grounded person in life…If you can’t take care of yourself, then you can’t care for others. Being selfish is critical.” So, while perhaps an unpopular perspective – maybe we can encourage ourselves to be a little more selfish, not only as a necessity for our own well-being, but also as a service to those we love most.

Here are a few ideas and exercises to think about on this topic:

• Write down 20 things that you love to do. No specific order, no right or wrong answers, just jot down 20 things that make you happy. (For example, reading a novel, taking a yoga class, traveling internationally, having dinner with friends, exploring new neighborhoods, walking the dog, etc.) Then, write next to each item, when the last time you actually did that activity (days/weeks/months/years). It can be a glaring exercise to realize that we haven’t engaged in activities that bring us joy in months or even years. [Activity adapted from The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron]                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
• What can you say ‘NO’ to this week, (or this month)? Sometimes things that are supposed to bring us joy – like seeing friends, or going out for dinners etc., bring us more stress than we realize. We are so accustomed to saying ‘yes!’ to invitations and expectations, but what if we chose just one thing and said no rather than yes. Barricade yourself at home for the evening, (or in a happy, relaxing place) and play hooky.                                                                                                               
• Engage in service. This might seem counterintuitive – but if you have ever spent time sitting with someone who is ill, or serving food in a soup kitchen, or volunteering at an animal shelter, you know – there are few things more energizing than giving back to those who truly need your help. Not only is giving back good for our communities, but it is good for our spirit. You can search for volunteer opportunities at chicagocares.org.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
• Take 10 minutes for yourself. Whether it is walking to get yourself a coffee in the middle of the work day, or setting your alarm a bit earlier to sit quietly or stretch first thing – this tiny exercise in slowing down, can help us towards a more mindful reset.                                                                 
• Plan something indulgent. While we can’t necessarily treat ourselves to a getaway or a massage every day, or even every month – there is research that suggests that the ‘build up’ and excitement for planning a trip is even more enjoyable than the trip itself. So, maybe begin to plan that trip you’ve wanted to take; savor the entire process. [Source]

New Years Resolutions

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

“The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals.”

— Melody Beattie

As the New Year approaches, I keep thinking about sitting down to write a lofty list of resolutions and intentions for 2017. The list sometimes feels endless: I want to break my sugar addiction. I want to heal relationships in my life that have gone unattended, or that have had conflict. I want to expand my gratitude practice. I want to find creative ways to give to causes I care about … I could go on and on about ways I want to feel better and be better in 2017.

People usually fall into two ‘camps’ of making resolutions: those who love to make lists, set goals and who find resolutions to be useful and empowering and those who feel like resolutions are a total waste of time, and usually set them up for disappointment or failure. (Of course, there is the secret third camp, those of us who are so exhausted from the year and so busy during the holiday season that the idea of sitting down to think about New Years resolutions is just not going to happen.)  

There is no denying that there is immense power in setting intentions. You can read about it in: ‘the power of your mind and setting intentions’ and ‘five steps to setting powerful intentions’. And, while I believe there is greatness in striving to be a better version of ones self, sometimes we’re not quite ready when the New Year rolls around. In fact, certain neuroscience research suggests that spreading out resolutions over time is the best recipe for success. No need to do it all at once!

A few tips for achieving your goals and making them more meaningful–

1.     Think about what you need more of this year. Talk about it with your therapist, your spouse and your friends. What brings you joy? What brings you peace? What combats your depression and/or anxiety? What is something you’ve wanted to tackle but haven’t gotten to yet? Start to make a list that serves you.

2.     Be specific with your goals. What does ‘getting in shape’ mean to you? What does it mean to ‘be healthier’? Choose specific things that you can stick to – like, practicing yoga twice a week, or finishing 3 water bottles every day.

3.     Measure progress. Perhaps this means writing down your progress in a journal, tracking it in an app, or creating milestones that you can use to track your progress. This feedback loop, hopefully, can act as a source of motivation.

4.     Share your intentions. Holding yourself accountable, in a more public way doesn’t mean you have to shout from the rooftops. You can share it with your friends, family, and/or therapist – and ask them to help support you in achieving a specific goal.

5.     Be patient and kind to yourself. This is hard stuff. We are all mere mortals. Be gentle, and remember that progress is not always a straight line, it can be forward, backwards and zig zagged.

There is a very tricky balancing act between pushing yourself to be better each year and being able to be gentle with yourself and remember, ‘I am enough – no matter what I do or don’t accomplish this year, I am enough.’ At the end of the day, no matter how much we achieve, if there isn’t some self-love attached to that self-motivation, it’s all for naught. (I love this manifesto by Jennifer Pastiloff)

So, to those of us who feel ready to tackle our intentions before the New Year, have at it! To those of us who set intentions and then slip up on the second day of the year, it’s ok. Mistakes do not mean that your intentions no longer count, or that you’ve failed. Keep going. And, to those of us just hanging on by a thread at the end of 2016: take a break; enjoy the holidays, catch up on your sleep, and reclaim your self-care. There is no reason you have to write your resolutions before January 1st, 2017. There is no rule that says you cannot write resolutions (or re-write them) in February, March, April, May, June, …or any other month of the year for that matter.

Perhaps you can keep this proverb in your back pocket and remember:

‘today is the first day of the rest of your life’ (Anonymous)

With that, wishing you a new year filled with motivation, love, care and peace.

Here are a few articles for inspiration for getting started & additional resources:

Self-compassion

Daily Resolutions

Ideas for resolutions

Resolutions from real people