Put You Family Values on Your Fridge

By anne decore, lmft

Creating a family values statement is a thought-provoking and bonding exercise for families to engage in together. The process of forming a statement provides children an opportunity to feel valued and included in family decisions and gives them an opportunity to practice important skills like self-expression and perspective-taking.

Below are questions that are meant to spark deep reflections and discussions among family members. By exploring these brainstorming questions together, you can uncover and articulate the values that are most important to you.

• What does our family believe in and stand for?

• What are the core principles and virtues that are most important to our family?

• What kind of family culture do we want to cultivate?

• What values do we want to pass on to future generations?

• What are our family's strengths and unique qualities?

• What values will help us navigate challenges and difficult times together?

• How do we want to treat one another as family members?

• What values do we want to embody in our relationships with others outside the family?

• How do we want to contribute to our community and the world at large?

Now you have a list of words and ideas. Next, define each value. Take each value identified and define it clearly. Discuss as a family what each value means to you and how it will be manifest in your daily lives. For example, if one of your values is "respect," discuss what respect looks like in your interactions with each other and others outside the family.

Then, craft the statement. Have fun with this. Let everyone contribute so that it reflects your collective vision and aspirations, your family spirit. Make it memorable and easy to understand for everyone in the family.

Display and revisit regularly. Once finalized, display the family values statement prominently in your home where everyone can see it (I like the fridge because it gets a lot of traffic!). This serves as a reminder and reinforces the importance of living by those values. Regularly revisit and discuss the statement as a family, revising as necessary if you feel you need to add or tweak your existing statement.

A family values statement provides a guiding framework that helps connect family members and shapes the identity of the family. It serves as a touchstone in decision-making and offers a common language for reinforcing positive behaviors and addressing conflicts within the family.

Taking A Pause

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Communication is at the heart of every healthy relationship, but there are times when conversations become challenging or heated. During these moments, it's crucial to know how to take a pause as a couple. Pausing allows both partners to step back, calm down, and approach the conversation with more clarity and understanding. Here's some guidance on how you can effectively take a pause when discussing something difficult:

1. Recognize the signs: Pay attention to your body and emotions. If you notice tension rising, increased heart rate, or a feeling of being overwhelmed, it might be time to take a break.

2. Agree on a signal: Before starting a conversation, agree on a signal that either partner can use to call for a pause. This could be a specific word or gesture that indicates the need to take a break.

3. Express respect: When calling for a pause, express your respect for your partner and your commitment to continuing the conversation later. For example, "I respect you, and I want us to continue this conversation when we're both calmer."

4. Set a time to resume: Agree on a specific time to resume the conversation. This gives both partners time to reflect on their thoughts and feelings and approach the conversation with a clearer perspective.

5. Take time to self-soothe: Use the pause to engage in activities that help you relax and calm down. This could include deep breathing, going for a walk, or listening to calming music.

6. Practice active listening: When you resume the conversation, practice active listening. Show empathy and understanding towards your partner's perspective, even if you disagree.

7. Seek support: If you find that difficult conversations frequently escalate, consider seeking outside support. A therapist can help you develop healthy communication strategies and navigate challenging conversations more productively.

Taking a pause during a difficult conversation can prevent misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and strengthen your relationship. It's a powerful tool that allows both partners to communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner.

How Compassion-Scarcity Can Challenge A Couple When Baby Comes Along

By Anne Decore, lmft

Compassion-scarcity can become a silent intruder during a couple’s transition to parenthood. This is a time of great joy, but also a time of great upheaval and new demands. If not addressed, compassion scarcity can silently sowing seeds of resentment and fostering negative interactional patterns.

Here’s how it develops.

When a couple is low on vital resources (as they are when a baby arrives!) such as sleep, time, and energy, compassion – the capacity to feel concern for someone else’s suffering – also becomes scarce between partners. In part, this is because when we are burnt-out it is simply harder to consider someone else. But another part is driven by the scarcity mindset itself: we are driven to withhold compassion by a subconscious fear of giving without reciprocation.

Here’s an example of what this might look like between two new parents:

One person says “I had a brutal night, I’m so tired. The baby was up every hour.”

The other replies “her crying woke me up too, and I have to go to work today.”

“Are you implying taking care of a baby all day isn’t work? It’s harder and certainly more important work than your job!”

“Oh really? Who pays for the house and food and designer baby clothes you purchase?”

And so on, and so forth.

At its core, compassion-scarcity arises when partners struggle to empathize with each other's feelings, experiences, or perspectives. This scarcity then leads to emotional distance, miscommunication, and resentment.

You can see how this interactional sequence is underpinned by a withholding of compassion. If a response of compassion was offered (“this is so hard, I’m so sorry. How can we support each other through this long day?”) at any turn by either partner a softening might occur, an opportunity for connection. Instead, each partner refuses to offer compassion because each partner isn’t receiving any compassion. Here they get stuck in the compassion-scarcity cul-de-sac. It’s a place that lacks curiosity and is defined by biased comparisons and score-keeping. What’s so unfortunate about this place is that two people who are going through the same stressor feeling completely alone in their experience.

You can guide yourself out of this pattern. Here’s how:

1. Build a culture of appreciation and acknowledgment within the relationship. Practice voicing validation, gratitude, and curiosity in times of low stress so that it still flows, out of habit, in times of high stress.

2. Name it to tame it. Notice the scarcity fear creeping in that keeps you from validating your partner’s experience and name it to yourself like this: “I’m afraid to give my partner empathy because I need it too and what if I don’t get it?” Next, have self-compassion about toward that fear: “This is a hard time, it makes sense, self, that you would feel that way.” Then, make a shift: remind yourself that the more you give the more you get. Tell yourself “acknowledging my partner’s hardship doesn’t mean my hardships are invalid.” Empathy tends to activate empathy – it grows the pie. There is room for two.

3. Take time as a couple to talk to one another about your individual needs (biological, psychological, and social). Talk about the ways you can create an abundance mindset when it comes to supporting each other emotionally during the transition to parenthood. Seeking professional help, such as couples' therapy or counseling, can be immensely beneficial to aid with these conversations.

Addressing compassion-scarcity in a relationship requires patience and mutual commitment. By consciously nurturing understanding and validation couples can create an environment that fosters compassion and strengthens their connection during the ups and downs of new parenthood.

Back to School Blues: Tips and Tricks for Helping Your Kids Study

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

With school being a few months in now, kids are back to doing homework and studying. The transition back into work from the fun of the summer can be tough. It can be hard for kids to switch back into having to do homework and focus on lessons throughout the day. It is important to make sure your kids are having an effective and productive study time.

Here are some helpful tips for any parents struggling to get their kids to complete homework assignments or study for tests/quizzes:

Eliminate any distractions

• Kids can be distracted by things in their environment such as toys, tv, music, siblings, electronic devices, etc. so it is important to make sure they have a clean and clear study space where they can just focus on the tasks at hand. It is also a good idea for kids to have a specific space where they do their homework preferably not in the same space as where they like to relax or go to sleep. It can be helpful and more motivating for kids to have a space that they can associate with being focused and working.

Break things up into smaller tasks

• It can be very overwhelming to cram a lot of work or studying into one session or night so make sure to break up the work. Break large tasks or assignments into smaller ones. It can help kids feel more accomplished by completing each smaller task rather than getting discouraged by a large task that takes a long time.

Create a schedule

• Creating a homework/study schedule can give kids more structure to their after-school time. They know when to start their homework, and when they can have breaks, have dinner, go to sleep, etc. Having a schedule can also help keep them focused and on the task at hand.

Take breaks

• It is so helpful to take breaks when it comes to maintaining focus. When we get tired or distracted, it probably means it is time to take a break. Maybe that means taking a break after a specific amount of time has passed or when a certain homework assignment or task is completed. It can be an opportunity for kids to have a reset and some time to recharge before getting back to it.

Have snacks and water

• As discussed above with taking breaks, it is also important that kids are not hungry or parched during their homework or studying time. Having snacks and water before studying (or during breaks) can help with focus and energy levels. Making sure kids are getting enough hours of sleep each night also helps with focus and energy.

Motivate and help when needed

• Parents are obviously a big factor when it comes to implementing productive study habits. Kids need help with encouragement and positive reinforcement from parents to help motivate them to maintain their hard work and habits. If kids are struggling, try to stay patient when it comes to helping them, or finding a tutor or teacher than can better guide them on how to solve the problems.

It is not always easy to get kids to study or do their homework, but it is important for parents to stay diligent and consistent with implementing these habits and tips. The more they do these tricks, the more natural it will become for them to continue doing them after school each day.

Embracing the Both/And Mindset: Letting Go of the Either/Or Perspective

By Jeessy Weston, amft

As a therapist, one of the most common mental hurdles I observe among clients is the dichotomous trap of either/or thinking. We are often inclined to categorize life into black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. While this binary approach may occasionally serve us in decision-making or problem-solving, it frequently oversimplifies our intricate human experiences and realities. I'd like us to consider a healthier, more balanced approach: the both/and mindset.

The Both/And Mindset

This way of thinking is all about accepting that different, even contradictory, things can be true at the same time. It allows us to see and accept the messy, layered parts of life. It's like saying, yes life can be tough, but it can also be amazing, all at the same time.

The Downfalls of Either/Or Thinking

Either/or thinking is a one-way street. It boxes us into corners, makes us judge ourselves harshly, and can turn little problems into big ones.

Imagine you've had a challenging day at work. You made a mistake on an important project, but you also received praise for your communication skills in a tough meeting. The either/or mindset might lead you to label your day as 'bad' due to the mistake. However, the both/and approach allows you to recognize that your day was challenging but also rewarding, that you made a mistake but also succeeded.

By transitioning from the either/or mindset to the both/and mindset, we create space for growth, self-compassion, and resilience.

How to Think in Both/And

Now, let's look at how we can start thinking in both/and:

Embrace complexity

Understanding that life is inherently complex and nuanced is the first step. It’s important to remind yourself that people, emotions, and situations rarely fit neatly into binary categories.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is fundamental in transitioning from an either/or mindset to a both/and mindset. This means accepting that you can be a work in progress and yet still be worthy and capable. Messing up doesn't mean you're a failure. It just means there's room to learn and grow.

Seek balance

Instead of choosing between success or failure, think about learning and growing. Remember, you can be strong and still have moments of vulnerability.

Question your thoughts

If you find yourself thinking in black and white, challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself, "Is it possible for both of these things to be true?" or "Are there other perspectives I could consider?" Most of the time, you'll find there is.

Seek support

Changing a deeply ingrained mindset takes time and patience. If you need support, seek help from a mental health professional who can provide you with tools and strategies to navigate this journey effectively.

Conclusion

In the end, life's a crazy, messy, beautiful mix of experiences and feelings. Embracing a both/and mindset allows us to see and accept all of that. As we learn to let go of the rigid either/or thinking, we open ourselves up to a more forgiving, balanced way of living. And that's something we could all use a little more of, right?

Family Boundaries During the Holidays

BY JESSY WESTON, AMFT

While the holidays can be a season filled with joy and celebration, it can also bring challenging feelings, situations, and conversations. The holidays are an important time to make sure we are setting healthy boundaries for ourselves and our families.

First, what are healthy boundaries? Brene Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, defines boundaries as simply “what’s ok and what’s not ok.” A boundary allows you to define what is acceptable to you within any relationship or situation. Its purpose is to protect both you and others involved. It’s also important to know that setting boundaries is not always easy. In fact, it takes significant intention and effort. It means changing or challenging something that has historically existed.

How to set boundaries:

1) Identify your limits

To start, you can ask yourself the question, “what’s ok with me and what’s not ok with me?” This question can be asked within several different realms including, emotional, physical, financial, mental, spiritual, etc. An example of an emotional boundary may be reminding yourself that your feelings are your own and that you are not responsible for others feelings. A physical boundary could be deciding where you want to spend the holidays, even if that is different from what has been done in the past. A mental boundary could be altering the story you tell yourself about what the holidays “should” look like. These are just a few examples as it can truly take any form that you may need.

2) Share expectations with friends and family members

“We have our own thoughts, and if we want others to know them, we must tell them.” (Dr. Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No)

This statement seems so simple, yet it’s normal for it to be difficult to put into practice. It is normal to assume that those who know us should automatically understand our boundaries. However, that is often not the case and it can be challenging to express our honest thoughts and feelings with those around us. We can practice sharing our expectations (both what we want and what we do not want) in a respectful way by being calm and direct. The key is to use “I” statements. For example:

• “I appreciate the invite to spend the holidays at your place this year. I need some time though to not travel this year and to spend a quieter holiday at home. I’d love to find a different way to spend time together.”

• “I always feel overwhelmed when planning the dinner for our large family gathering. Can you please help me plan it this year?”

• “I’m not comfortable talking about my dating life right now. I would really appreciate it if you did not ask about it again.”

• “I feel a bit annoyed and embarrassed when you make jokes like that. I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making those kinds of jokes.”

3) Be compassionate towards yourself

It can be mentally and emotionally exhausting to maintain necessary boundaries. While people or situations may not always respect the boundaries you set, you did the best you could by advocating for yourself. It is important through it all to offer yourself kindness and compassion.

Scheduling Time for Rest

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

I often find myself sitting with clients who feel like they need to be doing more, whether it be at work, in their personal life, in their relationships, and even in regards to their mental health. For a while I thought maybe it was just a certain type of client, perhaps those high achieving perfectionists. I’ve started to notice every single client is feeling this way in at least one area of their life.

 In recent years there is a lot of language around “boss babes” and this idea that we constantly as humans need to be moving and being productive. The intensity level of hustle culture has reinforced to everyone that if you’re not busy and running yourself ragged then you aren’t doing enough. This is incredibly false. 

Productivity is a concept I find many people struggle with. The constant push and pull to be productive while desperately wanting and needing rest seems to be never ending. The thing is though, rest IS productive. Our bodies inherently need rest to function and be able to be our most productive selves with the other areas of our lives. Let's use marathon training for an example, most people don’t run 20 miles the day before running a marathon. In fact, they don’t usually run for the two or three days leading up to the marathon. They do this so that their legs are well rested and ready to run their fastest and longest distance. 

Life is kind of like a marathon, so when you do something big like run 26 miles, you need to rest before and after. This doesn’t just apply to the big stuff, but the small events in life as well.  One way I find it helpful to force yourself to rest is by scheduling it. Try picking a specific day a week to have just time for yourself to lounge, watch tv, do whatever you want that feels restful to YOU. Rest looks different to everyone, so make sure you’re listening to your body.

Tips and Tools for Dividing Up Household Tasks

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Many couples often come to therapy to work on communication and conflict resolution skills. What we then discuss many times is conflict over household tasks and division of those tasks. I tend to find that the small things become the big things when left undiscussed and unresolved. This can lead to resentment and frustration if one partner feels that they are doing all of the work around the house. That is what we want to avoid. Here are some helpful tips and tools to lessen the constant conflict over keeping the home clean and tidy.

1. Express your expectations - Partners should be on the same page and understand the needs and expectations that their partner has for them and for the state of the home.

2. Compromise - There may be certain tasks or chores that are not you or your partner’s favorite to do (cleaning the bathrooms for example) so depending on how often you do these specific tasks, try to switch out with one another. If you clean the bathroom this week, then it is your partner’s turn next week. This way, you are still working as a team to get the task done. Also, keeping in mind that compromise may need to happen when it comes to expectations. Some things are not going to be perfect all of the time. You do want to be able to live in your home as well! Trying to figure out the middle point that feels good for both partners is important sometimes too.

3. Create a list of household tasks - Work together to come up with all of the tasks and chores that get done both daily and weekly. Then, discuss how you want to divide up those tasks to you, your partner, and to both of you together.

4. Discuss your daily schedules/routines - Depending on work schedules and daily routines, there may be certain tasks or chores that just naturally make more sense for one partner to do over the other, but make sure the amount/types of tasks still feels doable and fair for both.

5. Identify strengths and weaknesses - Similar to the tip above, there may be certain tasks that one partner can do a lot easier than the other so it is important to discuss your strengths and weaknesses together and divide up the tasks accordingly. What is going to feel comfortable and easy for one partner, may feel challenging and uncomfortable for the other.

6. Be compassionate and patient with each other - Some habits are hard to break so give it some time for you and your partner to improve on your cleaning routines and habits. If your partner has never put their towel away after showering, they are not going to magically wake up and remember to do this. It takes some time to break the habit to then create the new one. Give them gentle reminders to help, but avoid using blaming language or shaming them for forgetting.

7. Act as a team - Remember that you are working together; not against each other! This is a huge one. You are working together to keep the home clean and tidy. The problem in not you or your partner. The problem is the dirty home and how the two of you can fix the problem together.

Parenting Styles and Course Corrections

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

In the world of psychology, we tend to group parenting styles into 4 categories, which occur along a continuum. This construct was originated by Diana Baumrind in the 1960’s who did extensive work observing toddler behavior and drawing connections between parenting styles and the effects on toddlers. Here are the 4 styles:

Permissive: LOW STRUCTURE, HIGH WARMTH. No rules or consequences, loving, affectionate, approving.

Authoritative: HIGH STRUCTURE, HIGH WARMTH. Clear Expectations and rules. Loving, empathic, firm.

Authoritarian: HIGH STRUCTURE, LOW WARMTH. Disciplinarian, hostile, rigidity.

Neglectful/Uninvolved: LOW STRUCTURE, LOW WARMTH. Absent, unavailable, unpredictable.

We know from considerable research that authoritative parenting is associated with the best outcomes for children. These parents are warm, responsive, and empathic. They also CALMLY set realistic, developmentally appropriate behavioral expectations. Across culture and family forms, the authoritarian and permissive parenting styles produces poorer outcomes, affecting self-esteem, social skills, and academic performance as well as being associated with substance abuse and mental health struggles.

When family units experience major stressors – a death in the family, financial hardship, a pandemic, divorce/parental recoupling – parents whose baseline is the authoritative parenting bucket can slip into one of the other categories without realizing this shift has occurred. For example, a parent’s guilt over a divorce may lead to never telling a child “no” (permissive parenting). A parent’s stress and anxiety over a job loss can lead to reacting instead of responding (authoritarian parenting). We should expect these parenting style micro-oscillations to occur alongside the stressful experiences parents encounter in the modern world. What’s important is that parents bring self-awareness and curiosity to how stressors affect their parenting styles. This type of self-reflection allows parents to course correct and return to their baseline of authoritative parenting. To course correct you can’t get tangled up in shame; expect, even anticipate, that you will make mistakes. When stressors enter your life, make a practice of thinking and talking through (with yourself, a spouse, a co-parent, or a therapist) what aspects of high-structure-high-warmth parenting may feel especially hard under these circumstances.

And, never underestimate the power of a well-placed reminder such as the above diagram, printed out and placed on the fridge or mirror.

The Vulnerability Cycle Part 2

By Michaela Choy LMFT

In my last post, I introduced the concept of the vulnerability cycle which you can read more about here. This cycle can be damaging in relationships and create stuckness. In this post I’d like to present some ways to move through this. These are some ideas I have found helpful in my life and practice. I imagine with some discussion with your partner(s) and therapist, you may uncover others.

1. Name the cycle and map it out together. As a team, write out the cycle that continues to occur. Focus on what triggers the cycle, each person’s perception of the situation, and each person’s response. Having a map of the cycle can unite us against what’s feeling hard and remind us where and how we can get stuck. After you map this out, I encourage couples to name the cycle as it’s happening to build awareness. This can also slow down the cycle and give us a chance to create different choices. Identify these choice points and list out some different responses that help instead of hurt.

2. “The story I’m telling myself…” We can often assume intent or make deep meaning out of situations. I encourage partners to intentionally articulate when they are making meaning or assumptions by starting with, “the story i’m telling myself is…” This can help in several ways. One, it allows our partners into our inner world. They can know our fears, vulnerabilities, and sensitivities. Without knowing these, they won’t be able to be loving and attentive to our needs. Two, it allows for clarification. We can check out assumptions and meaning making with others and they can help us see if that is in fact happening or if there is more to the story we don’t see. This phrase comes from Brené Brown’s work on shame and vulnerability.

3. Share survival strategies with one another. I explain what a survival strategy is in my last post. If you need a refresher, click here. Sharing where these strategies come from, how they served us, and how we benefit from using these strategies can deepen compassion and understanding in couples. It can also depersonalize hurt that’s happening in cycles. Sometimes we are reacting to our partners. And sometimes we are reacting to something our partner is doing that feels familiar that has nothing to do with our partner. Share these and one day you may have a richer perspective in these moments.

   These are great starting points for unlocking cycles. I encourage you to explore other ways for moving through these moments. A therapist can be a helpful guide in navigating this if you need extra support.

   References: Restrepo, S. (Director). (2019). Brené Brown: The Call to Courage. [Video File]. Retrieved from https://www.netflix.com/title/81010166 Scheinkman, M., & DeKoven Fishbane, M. (2004). The vulnerability cycle: Working with impasses in couple therapy. Family Process, 43(3), 279-299.
   

Relationship Attachment: The Importance of Knowing Your Attachment Style

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

Before diving straight into the different attachment styles, it is important to first know what attachment and Attachment Theory even are. Attachment Theory was developed by a psychanalyst, John Bowlby who was studying infants’ behaviors when separated from their caregivers. Attachment Theory looks at how an infant is nurtured by a caregiver (loved, supported, neglected, abused, etc.) affects their attachment both in infancy towards a parent and later in adulthood in romantic relationships and friendships. With this said, attachment starts in childhood and continues in adulthood. Bowlby also studied the importance of infant’s independence from a caregiver to examine the difference attachment styles.

Looking specifically at attachment styles in adulthood is important for many reasons, especially when understanding how an individual shows up in a romantic relationship. The three main attachment styles are secure, anxious, and avoidant. Many people often do not understand why they show up a certain way in their romantic relationships or why they react to their partner when they are upset or feeling ignored, so knowing your attachment style can give a lot of insight for both you and your partner.

Secure Attachment Characteristics

• Feel confident that other people will be there for you when you need them

• Feel relaxed and joyful in relationships

• Rarely feel jealous or anxious that the relationship will end

• Independent and sure of self

• Want to care for a romantic partner and make sure their needs are being met (supportive)

• Easy to share feelings/needs

• Feel comfortable sharing private thoughts with partner

• Feel comfortable being close to romantic partners

• It is helpful turning to a romantic partner in times of need

Anxious Attachment Characteristics

• Overall feel anxiety in relationships

• Fear losing partner/relationship

• Worry partner will not want to stay with them (ex: if they make a small mistake)

• Worry that romantic partners won’t care about them as much as they care for their partner

• Worry partner doesn’t really love/care about them

• May be jealous, clingy/needy, self-criticizing, dependent, have a constant sense of under-appreciation or being misunderstood leading to anger

• May look for a partner that is critical, dominant, and inconsistent with affection

• Feel partner is better than them therefore able to meet their needs better than they can for themselves

Avoidant Attachment Characteristics

• Prefers not to show partner how they truly feel

• Find it difficult to let themselves be dependent on romantic partners

• Don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable with romantic partners (communication and sharing feelings)

• Prefer not to be too close to romantic partners (fearful)

• Both crave and avoid intimacy

• Don’t believe that intimacy and emotions are important (more important to be self-reliant)

• May be a loner

• Prefer spending time pursuing intellectual goals and avoid social interactions

• Attracted to people who don’t want to help meet needs

If this is of interest to you, there are many quizzes online to help figure out which attachment style fits you best. It is also important to understand how your attachment style may interact with your partner’s attachment style in different areas of life such as conflict, communication, stress, etc. For example, a securely attached partner may not fully understand why their anxiously attached partner is always seeking validation in the relationship so showing understanding towards a partner rather than annoyance or frustration can help make the relationship stronger and the anxiety decrease. It is also beneficial to understand how you might have shown up in past relationships as well. Attachment can really open your eyes to the ways you have shown up towards a partner and others, to gain more insight, empathy, and understanding in your relationship.

References

Fraley, C. R. (2018). A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research: R. Chris Fraley. A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research. http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm.

Equal or Equitable? Deciding what to spend on your kids.

By Rachel D. Miller, AMFT

With graduation season right around the corner, the issue of what or how much to give your graduate will be much discussed in the coming weeks. And it raises the larger question of equal spending on gifts when you have more than one child. The Wall Street Journal recently asked me my thoughts on this topic. I’ve shared and expanded on them below for those who are not subscribers.

Parents typically want to spend the same amount of money on each child in the spirit of fairness. But an event like graduation complicates the situation. Birthdays happen annually for each of the children, but a graduation is a one-off situation, causing parents to calculate amounts in their head and strain their memories to remember what was gifted older children for comparable graduations.

Spending equal amounts on children, generally, is a sound policy, though it is a complicated formula. When you have siblings in varying age categories, or when parents’ financial circumstance change over time, or parents split up and re-partner – those are circumstances that can affect an “equal spending” mantra. Additionally, there are many other places parents spend money on children throughout a year that might need to be part of the equation.

Instead of pure equality in dollar amounts, parents should strive for fairness over time rather equal spending at each gift giving opportunity. Fair does not necessarily mean equal. Fairness considers the larger context, specific circumstances, and each child as an individual.

Suppose your middle schooler wants a pair of super pricey sneakers for his or her birthday. While this means nothing to a 7-year-old sibling at this juncture, when that child reaches middle school but is told, for example, she cannot have the expensive hair straightener she is requesting that cost about the same. These feelings may be directed at you the parent, the sibling, or internalized to mean something about how you feel about her.

You’ll also see this in reverse as parents are able to spend more on younger siblings as the older ones move out or parents begin to do better financially. An older sibling may feel some kind of way when his younger brother is given a brand-new iPhone for his 14th birthday but at 14 all he got was “crummy refurbished laptop.” Again, these feelings may manifest as resentment and anger at the parents, the sibling or both. Or the child may internalize this to mean their parents have a favorite child.

With a goal of fairness over time it becomes easier to consider other costs such as extra curricular activities. If one child is involved in travel sports that eats greatly into a family’s budget, and another child is into electronics, it might be fair to spend more on the second child’s electronic gifts at Christmas or their birthday than the gifts purchased for their athletic child. These things can and typically do balance out over time.

It’s also important to consider your individual children. Some children care more about these things than others. It can be helpful to know your child’s love language to you can better assess what each most needs and deems important. A quality time or acts of service kid might not pay any attention to the gifts given to a sibling if they are personally getting the quality time or meeting their acts of service needs consistently. This is also a way to consciously attend to the ways equity and fairness are not always about equality. Parents can discover their child’s love language via this site.

There are different quizzes for different age groups.

I believe in being as age appropriately open, honest, and transparent as possible with your children when it comes to most issues, this includes money and finances. Open up around how you make decisions around buying gifts and spending money in general. Kids don’t need all the specifics, but you can let them in on your process. This is how they begin to learn about making financial decisions. These are great topics for family meetings and a positive way to break the taboos many families have around not talking about money.

When children are included in conversations and provided insight into how you make decisions, resentment is less likely and securing their buy in and cooperation becomes easier. When you don’t talk to children, they fill in the blanks themselves and make up their own stories about what things mean in relation to themselves. Children understand more than most parents give them credit for, and even if they don’t fully understand, they’re willing to go along If they are made to feel included and allowed to have a voice in the process.

Lastly, if there are wounds that around this topic impacting sibling and/or the parent-child relationship, a family therapist can help you navigate the healing process.

Deepening Your Listening with Validation

By Michaela Choy, AMFT

One of the most powerful and connecting tools I use in my personal life and in therapy is validation. Validation is the act of acknowledging and honoring someone’s experience. When done well, the speaker will feel seen and heard, and the listener will be taking in what the speaker intended. It’s very simple and very powerful. Without it, we run the risk bypassing someone’s experience, inserting our own spin on what’s happening (so dangerous), and can leave people feeling dismissed.

How do I use this?

Validation comes in a variety of forms listed below:

Reiterating what you’re hearing:

• “What I’m hearing you say is…”

• “It sounds like…”

• “So when X happened you felt Y.”

Giving non-verbals that indicate you’re present

• Head nods

• “Mm Hmms” or other sounds to indicate you’re tracking

• Eye contact

• Let your body lean in

Asking curious questions

• Tell me more about that.

• What was that like for you?

• What were you hoping would happen?

What challenges can I anticipate?

The number one fear around using validation is that validation equals agreeing with the speaker. And if the speaker’s experience is different than your own, why would you betray your own experience? Validation does not equal agreement. Validation is an acknowledgment of another person’s experience; Validation honors that someone has their own unique experience that may be similar or different from your own. There is always space for different experiences.

Additionally, you may be in the habit of waiting to talk versus listening to respond. It’s okay if this happens. This is such a familiar pull for all of us. Listening is hard. Take a deep breath when you notice this comes up. Take ownership for not taking in what the listener is saying. And ask for them to repeat what they said.

When should I do this?

As much as possible. This is especially helpful when a conversation gets heated or a conversation is hard. It will prevent the speaker and listener from rapid-fire responding. Rapid-fire responding is automatic which means you’re not listening, inserting what you think the other person thinks and feels, and will lead to fighting more times than not.

Reflection

Challenge yourself to incorporate validation into your daily life. If you do, ask yourself these questions:

-       How did people respond after I validated them? Is this different than what normally happens? If yes, how so?

-       What did it feel like to tune into someone else’s experience?

-       What makes this challenging to do? What makes this easy to do?

Understanding Anger

By Anne DeCore, AMFT

Many people have a hard time managing anger. Some deny it completely, splitting off their emotions and suppressing their needs. Others experience it intensely, escalating into anger quickly when in conflict with a spouse or child, for example. Few experience it in a productive way. Much of how we respond to anger is based on how anger was modeled for us in our homes growing up. Was it the primary way of communicating? Was it deemed shameful? Could anger be talked about in an open way? Do we shut it down in ourselves because we had a parent who was quick to anger? The good news is that despite how we were conditioned to orient ourselves toward the emotion of anger in our early lives, we can learn to gain control over it in adulthood and even use it to our benefit.

When anger is excessive, frequent or disruptive to our functioning and relationships we need to work on anger reduction. Here are some key methods.

PHYSICAL AROUSAL SELF-AWARENESS

When an aversive thought or incident occurs that triggers our brain’s fight or flight response, a cascade of physiological reactions follows: stress hormones are secreted, the heart speeds up, our muscles tighten, breathing increases, and sweating may occur. In this state, our bodies are readied for action and our behavior becomes hyper-reactive. Practicing physiological awareness, or “self-monitoring” means we are able to identify that our fight-or-flight system has gotten the better of us and we are able hit the pause button. Interrupting the amygdala’s activation and letting the mind and body cool down is a simple, yet critical step in taking control over anger. Labeling what we are feeling, deep breathing, meditation, exercise, and yoga are some proven ways of regulating emotion.

RECONNECTING TO OUR PROBLEM-SOLVING CAPACITY

Writes Greenberg and Goldman in Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy (2008), “in couples conflict, partners rapidly explode with rage or freeze in fear well before they have any conscious sense of what is happening or can regulate their emotional response (p.21).” Practicing a time-out when one or both partners is flooded with anger increases the likelihood that, upon reconvening later, the capacity for problem solving and perspective turn-taking will have returned. This is because when we are filled with anger our capacity for creative thinking and problem solving is blocked. The part of the brain engaged in these processes, the pre-frontal cortex, goes completely off-line. If we can reduce the anger to a moderate level of arousal, we can engage in a thoughtful, systemic examination of the problem. Taking a break/hitting pause allows us to slow down and get in touch with our ability for reflection. I advise clients to use the time-out to focus on what you want the other person to really hear and understand about you. I remind clients that the anger response does the opposite – makes it near impossible for people to hear your needs. And, the anger response almost always leads to more conflict. This is because anger causes us to experience cognitive or perceptual distortions and deficiencies. We become governed by biased attributional thinking, meaning the stories we tell ourselves about why things happen are inherently negative.

SHORT TERM V. LONG TERM CONSEQUENCES

In the short term, anger often leads to compliance. However, intimidation to get what you want is irrevocably costly to interpersonal relationships. Your child or spouse may do what you want, but lose respect for you, carry resentment, and conceal things from you in the future to avoid your reactivity. Remembering that frequent and excessive anger will lead to dishonesty in your relationships long term is a tool to help you choose the pause button.

PAY ATTENTION TO THE THOUGHTS

To adopt alternative responses we need to first understand that our thoughts drive our feelings. Identifying the thoughts that are associated with anger episodes is the first step to reclaiming control and choice. When we become conscious of the self-talk that precedes the anger, we can begin to build flexibility around those rigid thought patterns or core beliefs. We can draw out the thread of self-talk and engage in a meaningful dialogue with that narrative which underlies the anger. If we learn to tune in our inner worlds, anger can cue our attention toward a more vulnerable primary emotion like shame or fear that is the root cause of the anger. The Tree Metaphor (see image) is one I share with clients often to help them understand that our behavioral displays are the surface level defenses that we use to manage and hide our underlying emotional experience.

USING ANGER TO OUR BENEFIT

Suppressing anger is not a healthy alternative either; internalizing anger can lead to depression and deteriorate self-esteem. Therefore, we want to strive for the healthy middle ground where we are open to what anger wants us to pay attention to, but we aren’t carried away with angry behavior. Anger can be a very valuable emotion, in fact. It can alert us to important boundary violations. Anger tells us that we need to pay attention to our needs. When we, in turn, express ourselves respectfully to others, this feedback loop is working successfully.

Domestic Violence: The Signs, Escalation, and Realization

By Rachel Miller, M.A., AMFT

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

The Department of Justice in 2016 defined intimate partner violence (IPV), more commonly known as domestic violence, as “a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.  It can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.”

You’re pretty sure you’d recognize that if it was happening to you, aren’t you? You feel secure in your belief that you would know if it was happening to someone you care about too, don’t you? Unfortunately, that does not often prove true.

IPV rarely starts with a punch in the gut, a slap to the face, a commandeering of your financial resources, or a partner screaming obscenities at you in private. Like most relationships, abusive ones begin with a courtship. A new partner woos you, showers you with attention, affection, gifts, fabulous dates, maybe all the above. You have deep, connecting conversations. It feels like you’ve known each other forever. You fall in love. You begin to plan a future with this person. Maybe you move in together or get married. Things are good. You’re happy.

Along the way small things don’t sit well with you but no one is perfect, right? You can’t expect her to like all your friends or get along with everyone in your family. All couples fight, don’t they? It’s sweet he wants you to spend all your time with him. They’re only thinking of your safety when they constantly ask where you’re going, where you’ve been, and want you to share your location. His jealousy is kind of endearing, isn’t it? It shows how much he cares. You’re fine sharing all your passwords with her. You don’t have anything to hide. Their critiques and criticisms are just their way of trying to help you become the best version of yourself.      

You don’t see family and friends as much these days. Those nasty things he said were “just jokes” or maybe you really were being “too sensitive.” She has trouble managing her temper, but lots of people do. She always apologizes. When did you start spending so much of your day walking on eggshells trying to manage his emotions, prevent a fight, or avoid the barrage of criticisms? Why can’t they just be at home the way they are when you’re out with friends? It’s like living with two different people.

But it’s not all bad. You have good times too. And you really love the fun, kind, loving, generous side of him. Vacation this year was amazing. She was so supportive when your dad passed. You had a fun date night last week. He was wonderful when you lost your job. She’s a great mom. He does so much for the community. You have an incredible life on the outside. Maybe you shouldn’t complain, it could be worse. Maybe you just need to go to couples therapy to work through some of these issues because you truly love each other.

As more time passes you start to wonder if you’re losing your mind. Things you know happened, things you said or heard are denied with such conviction you doubt your own memory. Is this gaslighting? No, it can’t be. Gaslighting is abuse, isn’t it? You’re not being abused. You’d know if you were being abused. He doesn’t hit you. You’re a man. Would people even believe you if you said your wife was abusing you? You still go to work, see friends, spend time with family. You’re not isolated. It can’t be abuse. You’re gay. IPV doesn’t happen in non-hetero relationships, does it? You’re a strong, educated, successful person. People like you don’t end up in abusive relationship, do they?

An abusive relationship can escalate quickly, or the abuse can intensify over years. The tactics can be overt, or subversive and coercive in nature. When you’re in it, you rarely see the patterns of the violence or the power and control being wielded. Think of the frog in placed in cold water who never realizes he’s being boiled to death as the temperature is slowly turned up. As much as we want to believe we would recognize an abusive relationship if we were in it and we’d leave the minute we realized it, the research and statistics indicate these are not true.

Domestic violence does not care about your gender, age, race, ethnicity, class, sexual orientation, or level of education. It does not discriminate. It impacts all of us. October is the perfect time to educate yourself on not only the signs of an abusive relationship, but also the hallmarks of a healthy one. Society, the media, and abusers perpetuate many myths about domestic violence. Take this opportunity to determine how many of these you have taken as truth. Learn how you can help those you know and love who are being abused. This is also a good time to sit with the idea that if you know someone who is being abused, and since according to statistics 1 in 3 women and 1 in 5 men experience IPV you clearly do, you also know someone who abuses. We all have a responsibility to hold abusers accountable as well as believe and support victims and survivors.

If any of the scenarios presented above resonate or feel familiar, help is available.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Between Friends Chicago

Arab American Family Services

KAN-WIN

Center on Halsted

Other Chicagoland resource can be found here.

If you are recovering from an abusive relationship, therapy can help. Contact our office today.

What is your relationship to your screen(s)? And how does it show up in your relationships?

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By Sasha Taskier, LMFT

There may be hours throughout the day when I haven’t looked at my phone, and haven’t even picked it up from my night table the evening before. But there are certainly many (many) other moments when I find myself mindlessly scrolling, using my phone for one thing (like, checking the weather) only to find myself texting, or on Instagram, and completely forgetting to check if it is actually going to rain. Perhaps worse, my partner or my child will be talking to me, needing my undivided presence and attention, and I will be distracted by my phone. I will readily admit that my relationship with my screens, isn’t where I’d like it to be, nor is it what I want to be modeling as a parent.

I know I am not alone in this quest. Almost every client (or friend, or family member) I talk to about their phone use, will readily admit that they use their phone too much. That social media brings depression and anxiety to their lives yet they can’t find a way to stop. For many of us, our phones are the last thing we look at before bed, and the first thing we look at when we wake up. And it is making an impact on us, and our relationships.

A few thoughts for those of us who may be wanting a reset button on our screens:

• Designate a few times a day when you do not have your phone out. Perhaps this is during your morning routine, as you make coffee and prepare for the day. I would highly recommend tech-free meals - which creates an opportunity to have a more mindful eating experience, but also, to connect with your colleagues during lunch time (or quietly by yourself!) and your loved ones at the end of the day.

• Utilize your screen time app. Apple came out with the capacity for us to better track our phone usage. You can set app limits (I try to do only 30 minutes on social media a day!) There is a “downtime” option, which allows you to go semi-dark from your calls and apps. Overall, it’s helpful to see how much time you are on your phone. The number might be absolutely shocking, and can be a great starting place to reassess your usage. Some tips on how to do this effectively, here.

• How much do you talk to your partner during the day? Many of us are in constant contact with our partners and friends throughout the day. Whether that is texting, Instagram messaging, Snap chatting etc. Try limiting your contact throughout the day, and make the moment when you get home from work an opportunity to actually hear about your partner’s day. It’s easy to tune out if you have already heard everything through text in a play by play starting at 9 am. Make the end of day reunion a meaningful opportunity to connect, tech-free.

• Make a tech-free date night. The majority of the couples I work with talk about increasing intimacy, connection, and communication as their main goals. One of the go-to interventions is date night. But, if date night is spent with one or both partners on their phones, or constantly being pulled out of the IRL conversation to respond to a text or a call elsewhere, our ability to open up, become more vulnerable and intimate is hampered. Turn your phone on silent, put it away and look at each other.

A few other articles on the topic:

How Your Smartphone Might Sabotage Your Relationship

Tips for Parents to Put Away their Phones

Screen Time is Sabotaging Our Relationships

Does Screen Time Mess Up our Relationships?

Significantly Reduced Rate Therapy Sessions!

Rachel D. Miller

Focht Family Practice is now offering a unique opportunity to couples and families at a significant sliding scale fee! There is currently limited availability being offered with Rachel D. Miller, who is a doctoral student at Adler University. These sessions are required to be video recorded solely for the focus of educational purposes and are completely confidential and HIPPA compliant. To learn more, please complete the form on our Contact Page and add a note of interest in the message section.

Transition to Parenthood Series

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

Part IV: Sex after baby.

Most of us have heard the age-old narrative that your sex life disappears after you have children. You are exhausted and sleep feels substantially more important than sex; perhaps your focus and intimacy is on the baby – not on each other; or, perhaps your body no longer feels desire or arousal the way it once did. No matter the reasons (and there are countless more), for some, it is a terrifying prospect that your once beloved sex life may be one of the casualties in the transition to parenthood.

There is good news: Your sex life does not have to disappear when you become a parent. It does, however, have to change and evolve for your new life and the new (very significant) constraints of having a baby. The key is to approach this change with care, curiosity and flexibility for yourself and your partner.

Let’s visit some of the significant constraints that new parents face in rebuilding their sexual relationship and therapeutic strategies you can use to address them:

1. Sleep Deprivation; This is perhaps the biggest reason that parents name when they discuss the difficulty in reigniting their sexual relationship, post baby. Especially if your child hasn’t begun to sleep in longer stretches, the idea of trading in precious sleep for sex is hard to imagine.

It’s also important to note that sleep deprivation and exhaustion can impact your hormone levels, increase anxiety and irritability, and has been associated with greater conflict between partners. It’s hard to imagine wanting to have sex or any type of physical intimacy when your sole focus is trying to maintain enough energy for a baby whose needs are continuous.

Strategy: Take turns with the night time feedings and early wake ups (if you can) so each of you can get some longer stretches. Offer support if you know your partner is especially tired. If you are breastfeeding, your partner can sit with you during a middle of the night feeding - even if he can’t “do” anything, his presence is important and signifies that you are a team. You may be sleep deprived, but you are exhausted together, and can see the experience as a bonding one. Sex might not be on the table at this point (it is likely you will want to wait until you have more energy) but building the foundation of your new co-parenting role can be incredibly intimate, and knowing you are a united front will ultimately translate into an easier transition towards physical intimacy when the time is right. (There is nothing that will put you in the mood less than fighting with your partner about who is more tired. So, try to stay on the same team and avoid the rabbit hole of sleep resentment.)

2. Hormonal impact; the hormonal impact on your postpartum body can be very significant. Many women report feeling like they’re on an emotional roller coaster in the first few weeks and months after giving birth. (Read more about the signs and impact of postpartum depression and anxiety here.)

Breastfeeding mothers are producing a hormone called prolactin, while necessary for lactation, it is also responsible for lowering libido. Breastfeeding mothers bodies often suppress ovulation and their lower estrogen levels impact cervical mucus. Vaginal dryness may be an issue – causing sexual intercourse to be less enjoyable and even painful. If that wasn’t enough, breastfeeding also lowers female testosterone, which contributes to overall decreased libido. Source

Strategy: Talk to your doctor or therapist about concerns if you notice signs of postpartum depression or anxiety in yourself or your partner. If you are ready to have sex but it feels unpleasant, you can use a water-based lubricant to help with vaginal dryness and consult with your doctor for other alternatives. Most of all, remember what your body went through; give it time, and communicate if you are in pain. Share with your partner what you know about the shift in your hormones and the potential impact that may have on your libido. This will help create an environment of openness and help him or her understand that your lack of arousal may not be about them at all (they will likely have their own beliefs and reasons for why this is happening.)

3. Mismatched needs & expectations; This bullet point could be the topic of an entire book. Childbirth in couples (both heterosexual and homosexual) is entirely one-sided for a period of time. The parent who gives birth will inherently bear the burden in a different way, and if she breastfeeds, that one sidedness can continue for months (or years) postpartum. All this to say, that especially in heterosexual couples, fathers may have a difficult time understanding the multitude of changes happening in his partner’s mind and body. These factors impact desire and arousal, and it may cause frustration and confusion between partners that there has been a significant change in the couples’ sex life and perceived desire for one another.

Strategy:  Talk about expectations with one another; so much of this chapter requires an open, honest dialogue about what is happening for each of you. Many partners may make assumptions about the reason for the changes in their sex lives; without asking your partner what they are feeling, both emotionally and physically, you may be completely missing the mark (and missing an opportunity to help.)

If this topic feels particularly fraught or scary, I’ve listed a number of resources at the bottom of the post that you and your partner can look to and, you can always schedule an appointment with a couples therapist or sex therapist to better understand and process the new sexual dynamics in your relationship.

4. Body insecurity, low self-esteem and not feeling sexy; Women – you just did something miraculous: you grew a human life inside of you for the better part of a year, and then went through a significant medical event in order to deliver the child. Your body went through a trauma and you may not be feeling your best, or look the way you did prior to your pregnancy.

In our current medical model, women have a 6 week postpartum check up (after a vaginal birth) in which, if everything is ok, they can be “cleared” to have sex with their partner. OBGYNs often hear their patients begging for more time, asking for a medical excuse to postpone this event, while many fathers are waiting anxiously for the green light.

Strategy: There is absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling ready at that point to jump back in the saddle; be gentle with your body and yourself. You may need more time to heal than a 6-week window. Take it slow and do what you need to do in order to feel your best. That can be anything from making sure you take a shower each morning, to putting on some makeup, to making sure you go for a walk outside and feel the fresh air, and drinking enough water each day. Self care looks different for each of us.

5. Overwhelmed by the new workload & lack of time; There are only so many hours in a day. Those hours are significantly decreased when you take on a newborn feeding schedule, or are chasing a baby around. Your free time feels virtually non-existent, and it can feel like there is a never-ending mountain of work (both domestic and professional) that builds. These stressors can act as a “brake” to halt sexual arousal and desire (Nagowski). If our minds are always thinking about what needs to get done or how stressed we are, we will likely have a much more difficult time transitioning to a sexy mindset.

Strategy:  If we know our sexual drive and desire is negatively correlated with stress levels, this can be an opportunity to our partners not to complain about the lack of sex, but to ask – “what do you need help with?”

Parents need to practice self-care in order to be able to think about accessing desire for their partner. Often, this means lightening the load for your partner so they can have time to get back to themselves, and momentarily step out of mommy or daddy mode. Give them some time to see their friends (and get out of the house), to exercise (increased blood flow increases libido), and make sure you both are hydrated and fed (you need energy to have sex.)

Another helpful strategy for some is to schedule sex. For the partners who would like to increase the frequency in their sex lives but struggle to find the time in their schedules, try planning ahead. Either create a sexy calendar invite for your partner to let them know you are thinking about them, or have a standing date/time that you can connect physically. This requires a regular check in to make sure expectations are clear and flexibility with changing schedules. (For example, sending a text mid-day for your weekday “sexy time” to ask if your partner is still interested and committed to the plan for the evening. This not only helps avoid disappointment if things change, but can also help to build anticipation as the day goes on.)

6. Relying on baby for intimacy; This is a common trap for many new parents, especially new moms. As mentioned above, there is an evolutionary “one sidedness” to childbirth that is much more pronounced in the first months and year of a child’s life. Mothers often find themselves with longer parental leave to bond with the baby, and may choose to breastfeed, which requires nearly constant touch and necessary attunement with a baby’s feeding schedule.

This bonding is incredibly special, and it can be all consuming. This connection can feel so intense and magical that it begins to replace your partner’s intimacy. This quote from Esther Perel, in her book, Mating in Captivity, describes this phenomenon beautifully:

“Children are indeed a source of nurturance for adults. Their unconditional love infuses our lives with a heightened sense of meaning. The problem arises when we turn to them for what we no longer get from each other: a sense that we’re special, that we matter, that we’re not alone. When we transfer these adult emotional needs onto our children, we are placing too big a burden on them” (Perel; Kerner & Raykeil, p. 50)

Strategy: Make time for your connection outside of baby. As a couple, you need to build your reservoirs of connection physically, but also emotionally and intellectually. Sometimes date night can be just for that – for connecting, talking, laughing, eating. You can even try a “no baby” rule on date night - talk about anything but the baby. Remember how and why you connected before you became parents. Another favorite tip about date night from Esther Perel!

(Side note about date night: It can be hard to feel sexy and in the mood after a full meal, late at night. Be clear about how you’re feeling and help to differentiate between date nights and sex. If you wait for sex only on date night, it may be a while, and it can heighten the pressure around the evening.)

This list of constraints and strategies is obviously not exhaustive, and quite honestly just scratches the surface of this topic. I focused mostly on parents who are transitioning to parenthood for the first time, with one child and many of the strategies are “mother-centric”. Below are additional resources that I’ve found incredibly helpful and normalizing for couples in this stage of their transition to parenthood.

Additional Resources:

•      Love in the Time of Colic, Ian Kerner & Heidi Raykeil
•      How not to Hate your Husband After Kids, Jancee Dunn
•      And Baby Makes Three, John & Julie Gottman
•      Becoming Us, Elly Taylor
•      Come As You Are, Emily Nagowski

Talking with Your Teen: 5 Things to Remember

By Rachel D. Miller, AMFT

If social media postings, the array of parenting books, and the countless blogs and newspaper articles available are any indication, little is more mystifying, frustrating, or sanity threatening to parents than raising teenagers. Only the terrible twos and dreaded threenagers can rival teens in attitude, unprovoked outbursts, and confounding behaviors. And while at times talking to your teen may feel like you have reverted to speaking with a toddler, as a parent of teens myself, I can relate, there are a few key things that can aid you in having productive, meaningful, and relationship enhancing conversations with your teen.

1)    Leave your ego at the door.

Dr. Fred Hanna, a wise professor and therapist I know, specializes in working with some of the most challenging teenagers around. He and I share this belief that unless you can set your ego aside, there is almost no room for empathy which is key to being in any relationship, but particularly with teenagers (Hanna, 2016). While his work talks about the therapeutic relationship, I believe it is applicable to the parent/child one as well. When ego is involved a power struggle likely follows, and they rarely end positively for anyone involved. In the book, The Awakened Family, Shefali Tsabary, PhD, talks about how parenting challenges tend to stem from our ego, the blindly reactive piece of us that comes from a place of fear and a need to protect ourselves, our identity, and our desires and expectations for our children. When parents can learn to recognize when their ego is involved, the skills needed to be able to set it aside can be learned as well. Setting aside our ego allows us to take things less personally, and step into a place of empathy for the experiences of the teenagers in our lives. Teenagers often just need to be heard, and have their thoughts, experiences and feelings validated so they can reduce their own defensiveness and have space to hear you. I encourage you to watch Brené Brown’s video on empathy for a clearer understanding of the importance of empathy and consider how you might apply it in future conversations with your teen.

2)    Live your values; practice what you preach

It may seem that your teenager never listens to a word you say, but I promise they are watching everything you do. They can smell hypocrisy a mile away, and almost nothing turns them off faster. When teens in my office are the angriest at the adults in their lives, it tends to be around things they see as unjust or hypocritical. Are you setting rules and consequences based on the values you hold, and you are trying to instill in your child, or are they based the rules you grew up with, or what you have seen other set? Are they set up in a family meeting or given from the top down without any explanation other than “because I said so?”

People rarely like to be told what to do; teenagers are no different. But, when rules, or restrictions, or chores are given in context, with an explanation and discussion where there is potential for input, even teenagers can be convinced to go along. Where I have seen teenagers rebel the most is when they believe that certain rules only apply to them, or that their parents do not live by the standards and values they try to place on their children. One of the ways I have found to assist around this is to do a values exercise with parents and their teens. This can open discussions around the differing values of each member of the family, as well as opportunities to talk about how the family rules line up with its values. When you are clear about your own values, it is easier to remain consistent around the rules that you do set, providing the structure that teenagers need to thrive. As a bonus these exercises can enlighten you about both yourself and your teen. If you would give this a try here are a couple links:

https://www.nwabr.org/sites/default/files/ValuesActivities.pdf

https://www.taproot.com/archives/37771

3)    You were a teenager once too.

Do you remember yourself as a teenager? If not, I am sure your own parents would love to enlighten you about your attitude, rule breaking, talking back, and every other thing you did that made them nuts. This goes back to the empathy piece. You have an opportunity here to empathize with both your teen and your parents. Now might be a great time for that apology. You know they’re relishing that you have a teenager just like you. Take a moment to try and remember how you felt as a teenager. Put yourself back in that place where you felt unheard, unimportant, maybe even unloved. Can you remember how it felt to have your body seemingly go haywire on you? Do you recall how it felt to be left out, or have your first heartbreak, and to believe that nobody could really understand?

If you’re struggling with this, or maybe have some grandiose memories about your teenage years, or a belief that today’s teenagers are so much worse than the teens of our generation, you might want to be suspicious of your memories, as Ken Hardy discusses in Teens who Hurt. Memory becomes softer and more generous with the passage of time. In addition to its selective nature, memory also has a tendency to embellish. Few of us were as good, or respectful, or obedient, as we might like to recall. Find an old yearbook or a journal to see if you can refresh your memory a bit. Try if you can to put yourself back in that place, in those feelings. Consider what you would have liked from the adults in your life back then. See what pieces of that you can provide for you own child. Talk to your teenager, and ask overtly what they need from you, what you can do that would be helpful, and then listen to hear them, rather than listen to respond.

4)    Behaviors usually serve a purpose.

Too often it is teenage attitude and negative behaviors that get a parent’s attention. Too seldom is the question “What is the purpose of this?” asked. One of the quickest ways to determine what the potential purpose of any particular behavior might be it to check in with your own reaction to it. For example, if your child’s behavior leaves you with feelings of being provoked, challenged, or defeated, Jane Nelson, Ed.D. author of the book Positive Discipline, would suggest that the underlying goal of the behavior is around power, and a belief that one belongs only when they are in charge or at least not being bossed around. This scenario seems to resonate with many of my teens and parents. While this book is geared more towards those parenting younger children, I think it still has value for parents of teenagers. It has the potential to offer insight into what is going on for you as well as them, aiding in setting aside ego and increasing curiosity and empathy about what your teenager’s behaviors are trying to tell you. There is a quick reference chart from the book available here to get you started.

5)    Maintaining the relationship matters most.

If you want to continue having a positive influence over your teen and have them turn to you for counsel and support, maintaining your relationship will need to take priority over being right, having control, pride, ego, or your own emotions. This one can be tough. You will often find yourself walking the fence between maintaining structure and consistency, with maintaining the relationship. Flexibility and adaptability will be key to stage in parenting. The plus side is that even when you screw up, teenagers can be some of the most forgiving people I have ever met. When you as a parent can own your mistakes, apologize, and change your behaviors accordingly, teenagers can and do forgive even some of the worst transgressions. They want to be connected to you as much as you want to be connected to them, it just looks different now.  

Raising teenagers is not always easy, but it can be the most rewarding time you ever have as a parent. There is incredible growth potential for you and for them despite its many ups and down. Remember too, you don’t have to do this alone. Family therapy can help with the challenges of transitioning into this new stage of life and parenting. A therapist can assist with a strained relationship, or support for those difficult conversations so many parents dread. We are here to help you navigate this sometimes daunting journey called parenthood.

References

Hanna, F. J., (2016). Ten powerful techniques for helping difficult adolescents to change.

Transition to Parenthood Series

By Sasha Taskier, AMFT

PART III: Couple & Co-Parent Conflict

In conversations with new parents, one of the topics that often gets overlooked (and hidden) is the shock that the transition to parenthood can have on the couple. Some couples do transition to co-parents seamlessly, but more often than not, there is an enormous amount of stress associated with this shift, and growing pains to navigate.

[Before diving in, I want to acknowledge and honor that people (individuals and couples) enter into parenthood in a myriad of ways; for the purposes of this post, I am focusing on couples that have been together as romantic partners prior to becoming parents.]

As if the addition of a tiny human wasn’t stressful enough, the transition from partners to co-parents can be one of the most fraught, and often deprioritized. Suddenly, you now have two relationships to foster – your romantic one, and your co-parent one. (There is an upcoming post on the romantic relationship post-baby, stay tuned!)

Often, in times of transition we experience a spike in stress, depression, anxiety and conflict. This applies to everything from moving to a new city to losing a job, and even losing a loved one. Transitions are some of the hardest things we go through as humans – and frequently, we have trouble navigating the new environment we find ourselves in.  Couples can have it particularly hard – as each parent attempts to navigate the demands of parenthood for themselves, they also have to simultaneously make that adjustment as a team. As you can imagine, or you have already experienced, this new territory (plus sleep deprivation) can create the perfect storm for couple conflict.

Why is it important to minimize couple conflict?

While I think most of us can agree that fighting with our spouse is generally unpleasant (and unwanted), we may not have enormous incentive to change our behavior and curb our conflict. Conflict doesn’t just impact our marital satisfaction and mental health, it also impacts our physical wellbeing. There is research linking hostile couple conflict with heart disease, and a slower rate of healing. (Dunn, 55). If that isn’t incentive enough, we have learned that children, even our babies, react negatively to conflict.

Researchers at the University of Oregon were able to conclude that infants as young as six months old react negatively to angry argumentative voices (Dunn, 23). According to Julie and John Gottman, children three to six years old believe that they are the cause of their parents fighting, and children ages six to eight tend to pick sides between parents during conflict (Gottman).  In fact, psychologists have found that the day after a conflict, mothers are better able to compartmentalize and return to normal parenting mode with their children, whereas fathers had a much harder time returning to family life, therefore impacting their relationship with their children. They found that the conflict between parents often spilled over for the father, and resulted in friction between him and the children even days after the fight (Dunn, 24).

So, what does this mean for childhood development? Researchers from Notre Dame found that kindergarteners whose parents fought frequently were more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety, and struggle with behavioral issues by the time they reached seventh grade (Dunn, 24). Babies raised in unhappy marriages have shown a plethora of developmental problems, from delayed speech and potty training to inability to self-soothe (Gottman).

It is unrealistic to assume that you and your partner will never fight. In fact, it would be a disservice to your children if you never showed them conflict at all. Think about it as an opportunity to be on your best behavior to show your children that people can be mad and still love each other. Those two things can certainly co-exist, but the important part is to model fair fighting.

Tips for fair fighting & Reducing Conflict:

1.     Active Listening Techniques (Dunn, 72-76)

1. Emotion Labeling – helping to name your partner’s emotions (if you see frustration, you might say – “you seem frustrated”); naming and validating these emotions can take the person from a purely emotional state to a more reflective, rational state (Dunn, 73).

2. Paraphrasing – simply restating your partner’s message in your own words; this tells them that you are listening and absorbing what they are sharing with you.

3. Offering minimal encouragement – this is offering either non-verbal nods, or verbal “mhms” and “yeahs” in order to convey to your partner that you are still tracking them while they speak.

4. Asking open-ended questions – The goal is to avoid yes or no questions but to give your partner more space to share; you can do this by saying “can you tell me more about that?” or “I didn’t understand what you meant by that, but I’d like to. Can you help me by explaining further?” (Dunn, 75).

5. Using “I” Messages – The “I” message allows you to share your feelings in a less provocative manner. Rather than saying “You are always late!” you could try “I feel so frustrated when you’re late because …”

2.     What NOT to do – Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Gottman, )

1. Criticism – insults, using phrases like “you always…” or “you never…”

2. Defensiveness – counterattacking, whining, denying responsibility

3. Stonewalling – freezing out your partner and shutting down mid conversation; 85% of stonewallers are men because they tend to become so overwhelmed by conflict that their limbic system shuts them down, unable to take in new information (and leaves their partner in the lurch.)

4. Contempt – cynicism, attacking your partner’s character, eye-rolling, mocking, and sarcasm(!)

3.     Take a time out

Sometimes, conflicts can just become too overwhelming and out of control. If you are “deadlocked” – take a break. Gottman found that it takes approximately 30 minutes for the chemicals released during a conflict to exit the body. After this time, come back together and try discussing the topic with some of the included tools (Gottman).

4.     If all else fails: here is a helpful script (courtesy of Julie & John Gottman and Jancee Dunn)

[Share hidden soft emotion, like hurt/sad/betrayed/isolated] when [describe what happened without blame]. Then, [State your need clearly]. [admit your role in the conflict] and [accept influence]. Finally, [repair.]

For example -

[share soft emotion] I felt hurt when [what happened without blame] our childcare plans fell through last minute and I was left to figure it out by myself since you were out of town. [ask for what you need] I need you to help me set up childcare and backup options so that the burden isn’t entirely on me. [admit your role] I was already stressed when this happened, so I totally acknowledge that I lost my cool with you. [accept influence] I trust your ability to help choose babysitters so I would love your input. [repair] I’m sorry I lost my temper when we discussed this before and I’m hopeful we can get through this together.

Sources & Resources:

Dunn, Jancee. How not to hate your husband after kids. Little, Brown and Company, 2018

Gottman, John M., and Julie Schwartz. Gottman. And Baby Makes Three: the Six-Step for Preserving Martial Intimacy and Rekindling Romance after Baby Arrives. Three Rivers Press, 2007.

Gottman, John M. and Silver, Nan. The seven principles for making marriage work. Cassell Illustrated, 2018.