5 Steps to Make the Back to School Transition Easier

By Bree Minger, AMFT

The end of summer can bring up a lot of different feelings for both parents and children. While some feel excited, others are dreading the transition from summer to school. Often, establishing a back to school routine can be helpful to prepare everyone for the change in schedules. Below you will find some helpful tips to make the transition smoother and more enjoyable for everyone in the family! 

Create a back to school celebration

Celebrations or events can be very helpful in marking a transition and helping the whole family to process their emotions and feel prepared for the change. Whether it is shopping for school supplies together, getting a new pair of shoes, going out for a treat the last weekend of summer, or spending the day together as a family creates an opportunity to celebrate back-to-school. 

Re-establish bedtimes

If bedtimes have gotten out of routine during the summer, start putting your child to bed a little earlier each night leading up to the start of school. A staggered transition like this allows children to gradually return to normal bedtimes and feel more rested before school starts. Focus on creating an environment that is free of distractions, and allows the child to slow down and feel calm. 

Check in about each school day

Once the first day of school happens, be sure to check in with your child and see how their day was and each day thereafter. Intentionally listen and learn about their teachers, their favorite subjects and new friends they meet. Keeping lines of communication open is very important to establish a strong connection between parents and children. This way, when challenges arise, trust is established for your child to open up about a difficult subject, unhealthy friendships or even bullying. 

Eat dinner together as a family 

Research shows that time together as a family is important and especially mealtime. With the busyness of back-to-school including activities and homework, it is hard to spend time together. Meal time is a perfect opportunity to check in and continue to create bonds. Meal time has proven to create healthy eating habits, decrease future mental health struggles, and improve communication skills. 

 Create homework stations 

Transitioning from summer back to school can make it challenging to focus on tasks like homework. Setting up an area in your home that is specifically designed to be a homework station can help your child know it is time to focus. Have your child help in creating the space so they know they will feel comfortable studying there. Take some time to remove distractions (e.g. any type of screen) and add a clock to the area so your child knows how long they have been reading or studying, etc.

We wish everyone a happy and healthy return to school! 

Sources: Eating Together At Family Meals

Wedding Woes

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

The past few years, I have had significant experience discussing wedding planning with clients, both with individuals and couples. This topic more recently resonates with me personally as I just went through the wedding planning process myself. I know how stressful and overwhelming it can be. It is easy to lose sight of the importance of the whole process when you get sucked into the pressure of the wedding industry. Of course, everyone wants their wedding to be “perfect” and magical, but I think that can get in the way of just enjoying the process and getting excited about marrying your best friend. I have outlined some helpful tips that I tried to keep in mind myself. I deeply acknowledge that no one is perfect, and it is easy to get lost in the stress (trust me I get it), but sometimes it is helpful to have a reminder from someone who has gone through it.

Try to stay as present as possible

• I know this one seems like a given but the process goes by so quickly and it is such a fun time! It is important to enjoy the celebrations and the prep because before you know it, it’ll all be over. Try to take it one step at a time and don’t get ahead of yourself. It will all get done in the end.

Create lists

• Stay organized and know what needs to get done and when. Not everyone decides to have a planner for various reasons, so this is so beneficial to stay on top of everything. By doing this, it can help with the first tip of staying present. Focus on one month at a time and check off those tasks as they come up. It helps to see things get crossed off the list knowing that you’re making progress.

Block out the noise

• Family and friends can often have many opinions and things to say, but ultimately it is not their wedding. If something is not on your radar as stressful, don’t take on someone else’s concerns. Focus on what you’re doing and what your vision is. Of course, most people are coming from a loving place and just want to help but at a certain point it can become too much and you might need to implement some healthy boundaries.

Take time for yourself and for your partner

• Make sure you are still taking time for balance and focusing on your own self-care (taking breaks, going on walks, meditating, getting fresh air, etc.). Also making sure you are still having quality time with your partner to go on a date and maybe not talk about the wedding! Trust me, I know that can be tough especially as it gets closer, but let your mind have a break from all the logistics and just focus on being together and having fun!

Ask for help if needed

• Yes, I know I said to block out the noise, but it is also okay to delegate and ask for help when you feel like you are at your max capacity. Family and friends are happy to help so make it clear to them what would be HELPFUL and what would just add to your stress.

Create a budget and stick to it

• Financial stress can be a huge part of wedding planning especially if you are the one managing the payments. It is helpful before starting, to look at your finances and create a budget that makes sense to you. Look at the things you wish to have, get some quotes, and maybe make some adjustments. Even if you are not able to do everything you had envisioned, I guarantee it will not take away from the beautiful day. Ultimately, you don’t want to put yourself in a bad financial position post wedding.

Remind yourself of the reason for the wedding

• The whole purpose for this prep and planning is to get married! Don’t forget that. Amid stress and chaos, take time to cherish the love you have for your partner and stay connected to the goal. Try to check in with each other and see how you both are feeling, and if either of you need anything. Especially as the wedding gets closer, tensions can arise, and it is crucial that you are acting as a team and on the same page. Don’t let the stress cloud the love that brought this wedding to be!

This process is both the longest and shortest span of time. It is quite the whirlwind when you are in it, and then once it’s over, you forget all about the small things that were mentally weighing you down. You are left with all the beautiful memories and moments from the weekend/day with your loved ones and spouse, that sometimes the stress seems silly. That is not to say the stress is not very real and all-consuming because it is. But once again, the purpose is to celebrate your love and something “going wrong” during the day or days leading up is not going to ruin that!

Decision-Making: A Step-by-Step Guide

By Anne Decore, lmft

Making decisions is something people struggle with often. Indecision and inaction can bring a lot of distress. So can the belief that one “made the wrong decision”.

Some decisions are clear and intuitive, and we can arrive at a choice with full confidence. Other decisions carry ambivalence – and always will even after we’ve picked a direction.

One general rule of thumb is to be guided by your values and goals. They can serve as guiding lights during times of uncertainty.

This 4-step framework may also help you operationalize decision-making:

1. Identify the problem.

It’s especially important to define the question/decision/choice/problem if you are making the decision as a couple, or a family, or a group.

Ask clarifying questions such as:

• What is the main challenge or opportunity here?

• What is my hoped-for outcome?

• If this decision is made successfully, what would that look like?

2. Generate Alternatives.

Come up with a diverse and comprehensive set of options. Don’t judge them as you generate. Allow yourself to flow and present all angles.

3. Assess these options.

How do their various outcomes compare to the defined criteria for success? How do these options square with constraints?

4. Best Fit.

Find the best fit for the situation. “Best fit” acknowledges that, very often, decision making is subjective and there may not be a “perfect” or “right” decision.

Lastly, and always, be kind to yourself. Decision-making isn’t easy. You’re doing your best.

Managing Expectations: Letting Go of the 'Perfect Mom' Myth

By Caroline Neal, LMFT

Becoming a mother is an incredible journey, filled with joy, challenges, and a myriad of emotions. As you navigate this new chapter, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the pressure to be the "perfect mom." Social media, parenting blogs, and even well-meaning friends and family can contribute to unrealistic expectations. However, it's crucial to remember that the notion of a perfect mom is just that—a myth. Let's explore how you can manage these expectations and embrace your unique, wonderful self.

The Myth of the Perfect Mom

The idea of the perfect mom is pervasive and persistent. She’s often depicted as someone who has it all together: perfectly balanced, always patient, endlessly loving, and constantly energetic. Her house is spotless, her children are always well-behaved, and she manages to juggle work, family, and personal time effortlessly. 

But here’s the truth: this idealized version of motherhood is not only unrealistic but also harmful. It sets an unattainable standard that can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and stress. Every mother’s journey is different, and perfection in motherhood simply doesn’t exist.

Understanding and Accepting Your Limits

One of the first steps in managing expectations is to understand and accept your limits. Motherhood is a demanding role, and it’s perfectly okay to feel exhausted, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Recognize that it’s impossible to do everything perfectly, and that’s completely normal. Here are a few tips to help you embrace this mindset:

1. Set Realistic Goals: Instead of aiming for perfection, set achievable goals for yourself and your family. Prioritize what truly matters and let go of minor tasks that can wait.

2. Acknowledge Your Efforts:Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Whether it’s getting through a tough day or simply spending quality time with your child, every effort counts.

3. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same understanding and patience that you would offer a friend in your situation.

 Embracing Imperfection

Embracing imperfection doesn’t mean lowering your standards or not caring about your responsibilities. It means recognizing that being a good mom is about love, care, and effort—not about meeting an impossible standard. Here’s how you can start embracing imperfection:

1. Connect with Other Moms:Share your experiences with other mothers. You’ll quickly realize that everyone faces challenges and no one has it all figured out. This sense of community can be incredibly reassuring.

2. Focus on What Really Matters: Pay attention to what makes you and your child happy. Sometimes, it’s the simplest moments that are the most meaningful. Focus on creating memories rather than striving for perfection.

3. Learn from Mistakes:Mistakes are part of the learning process. Instead of dwelling on them, use them as opportunities to grow and improve. Remember, every mom makes mistakes.

Seeking Support

It’s essential to seek support when you need it. Whether it’s from your partner, family, friends, or a professional therapist, having a support system can make a significant difference. Here are some ways to find support:

1. Join Support Groups: Many communities offer support groups for new moms. These groups provide a safe space to share your feelings and experiences.

2. Talk to a Therapist: A therapist can help you navigate the challenges of motherhood, manage stress, and develop healthy coping strategies. Therapy is a valuable resource for addressing feelings of inadequacy and finding balance.

3. Ask for Help: Don’t hesitate to ask for help with daily tasks. Whether it’s babysitting, cooking, or running errands, accepting help can relieve some of the pressure.

 Conclusion

Letting go of the "perfect mom" myth is a liberating and empowering process. By managing expectations and embracing your unique journey, you can focus on what truly matters—building a loving, nurturing relationship with your child and taking care of yourself. Remember, being a great mom isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present, loving, and resilient. Embrace the imperfections, celebrate your efforts, and know that you are enough.

Coping with Social Comparison in the Summer

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Summer is a season often filled with social gatherings, vacations, and outdoor adventures. While this can be an exciting time, it can also trigger a feeling of being excluded. With social media feeds flooded with images of friends’ beach trips, concerts, and picturesque getaways, it's easy to feel like everyone else is having the time of their lives while you might be missing out. Here are some strategies to help you cope with social comparison and cultivate a healthier mindset during the summer months.

1. Limit Social Media Use

While social media platforms are great for staying connected, they can also create unrealistic expectations and comparisons. Try setting boundaries for your social media use:

● Designate specific times for checking social media rather than scrolling throughout the day.

● Take social media breaks by scheduling screen-free days or weekends.

● Unfollow or mute accounts that trigger negative feelings or comparisons.

2. Practice Gratitude

Gratitude is a powerful antidote to social comparison. Focusing on what you have rather than what you lack can shift your perspective and increase your overall happiness. Here are some ways to practice gratitude:

● Keep a gratitude journal where you write down three things you’re grateful for each day.

● Share your gratitude with others by expressing appreciation to friends, family, or

coworkers.

● Reflect on positive experiences from your past summers and appreciate the unique

moments you’ve had.

3. Connect with Friends and Family

While social media can create a sense of connection, nothing beats real-life interactions. Strengthen your relationships with those around you:

● Plan get-togethers with friends and family, such as picnics, game nights, or potluck dinners.

● Reach out to reconnect with someone you haven’t spoken to in a while.

● Join local groups or clubs that align with your interests to meet new people and form new

connections.

4. Accept and Embrace Your Own Pace

Everyone’s journey is different, and it’s important to remember that your summer doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s to be fulfilling

● Set your own goals for the summer, whether that’s reading a certain number of books, learning a new skill, or simply relaxing and recharging.

● Celebrate small victories and acknowledge your achievements, no matter how minor they may seem.

● Be kind to yourself and recognize that it’s okay to have quieter, more restful periods.

How Much Time Should My Child Spend Online?

By Bree Minger, afmt

In today’s world, devices are unavoidable— especially for children. Smart phones, tablets and TVs are easily accessible for many people and an integral part of daily life. Many parents wonder how much time is appropriate for their child to spend online or looking at screens. According to MedlinePlus children screen use can total five to seven hours every day. Typically, the recommendation has been that children should spend less than two hours a day in front of screens. With this large difference in usage versus recommendations, it is imperative to determine what healthy usage of screentime looks like based on child development. 

Recently, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) released new guidelines for children’s screen time. The AAP bases their recommendations on the 5 C’s of Child and Teen Media Use: Child, Content, Calm, Crowding Out, Communication. 

Child: Knowing your child and their personality helps in determining use or limits. It is important to consider how screen time impacts your child’s feelings. How does it impact their mood? Have they experienced bullying online or do they have supportive online interactions? Is it connected to trouble falling asleep or waking up throughout the night?

Content: It is important to be aware of what content your child is consuming online and if it is age appropriate. Is the content promoting unrealistic beauty standards or violence? Does the content match the values your family holds? Are you using parental controls that prevent your child from discovering inappropriate content?

Calm: Many parents turn to media to aid in calming down their child. If calm down strategies are reliant on screen time, consider seeking other coping strategies for your child. Depending on your child’s age there are different deep breathing techniques such as smelling roses and blowing bubbles for young children, or box breathing for older children. Other comforts like a stuffed animal, blankets or listening to soothing music are also helpful alternatives to screen time.  

Crowding Out: Often times, screen time can be a major distraction from other activities to enjoy as a family. If wanting to cut down on screen use, consider how your family will fill the gap of time. Do you dream of more sleep, family bike rides, or more quality time as a family? Brainstorm how you could improve family relationships or connect without screens. 

Communication: Keeping communication open about media use and screentime is helpful for both parents and children. This helps the parent to be aware of content consumption, overall use and how it is impacting your child’s health. Communication is also helpful for your child to be knowledgeable of what boundaries or expectations parents have about media use.

It also important to pay attention to different stages of development. For example, screen time use looks very different for a 2 year old versus a 15 year old. For more direction of appropriate use per stage of development visit the AAP website.

Sources: 

MedlinePlus

HealthyChildren.org

The Power of Gratitude

By Nicole marino, amft

Hearing something as simple as “practicing gratitude is so important” seems so obvious and self-explanatory, but it is a practice that is often overlooked. In our current world that is full of social media comparison, it is even more important to disconnect and remind yourself about the life that you are living. Big or small; we all have things in our lives to be grateful for every day. It is so easy to go on tik tok or Instagram and see a perfectly curated video or feed of someone’s life full of beautiful vacations or a successful career or a perfect relationship, but social media is a highlight reel. Social media only shows the good parts of our lives. It doesn’t often show the down days full of stress, sadness, loneliness, or defeat. Don’t fall into the comparison trap and assume that everyone else’s lives are so much better than yours, especially seeing it through the lens of social media content.

Reflecting at least once a day on the things that are positive or make you happy in your life can really help reframe your mindset and overall mental health struggles such as anxiety and depression. People can assume that in order to be grateful, we need to have a lot of exciting things going on outside of the mundane tasks of daily life. But that is not true. You can express gratitude for something as simple as the sun shining today, your walk with your dog, your warm comforter, or cooking your favorite meal. It does not have to be anything unique or outrageous!

Some ideas for practicing gratitude:

• Wake up and create a list first thing in the morning either in your head or on a piece of paper/journal

• Do a daily reflecting meditation

• Talk out loud with someone and share things you both are feeling grateful for

• Create a gratitude jar where you add at least one thing per day

• Call a friend or family member and express your gratitude for your relationship with them

• Create a list of gratitude affirmations to read/recite each day to yourself

• Lay in bed at the end of the day and reflect on the aspects of your day that you are grateful for

Ideas of things to be grateful for:

Like I stated before, the things that you feel grateful for do not have to be out of the ordinary. It is important to reflect on the simple things in life that bring an extra spark of joy if we were not able to do it. This may be different each day given your routine or schedule, and that is okay! Just reflect from whatever the day was, even if it was a horrible day in your opinion. I bet you can find at least one thing to be grateful for.

• Health

• Friends or family

• Laughing today

• Connecting with someone you normally wouldn’t

• Listening to your favorite podcast or music

• Getting to work on time

• Coming home after a long day and changing into your pajamas

• Someone holding the door for you

• Tomorrow being a new day and a fresh start

• Finding a new book or show

• Getting outside and connecting with nature

• Having positive self-talk during a tough day

• Coping the best you could with stress and being proud of that effort

These are just some examples of things that you can potentially feel grateful for on a given day. Just remind yourself that big or small, your life matters and the things that happen matter! When we take a step back and reflect, we can find that we have so much more to be grateful for than we sometimes give credit for. Try this and see how you feel! You might find yourself having a different outlook on your life and notice yourself comparing less to others.

Social Media Comparison Burnout

By Megan allcock, LMFT

It seems these days that social media is somewhat unavoidable. We use it to connect with friends and family, share photos and updates, and promote our businesses, etc. However, with the rise of social media has also come the rise of comparison burnout. 

Comparison burnout is the feeling of inadequacy or self-doubt that comes from constantly comparing yourself to others. Whether it's comparing your looks, career, relationships, or even your travel experiences, social media has a way of making us feel like we are never doing enough or living up to the idealized versions of others' lives that we see online.

One of the main reasons for comparison burnout on social media is the curated and filtered nature of the content that we see. It’s important to remember that people tend to only post their highlight reels of their lives - the vacations, the promotions, the romantic dates, without showing the struggles and hardships that they may be facing behind the scenes. This creates a false sense of reality and sets unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others. 

Another challenge that contributes to comparison burnout is the constant need for validation through social media. We have a tendency to measure our self-worth by the number of likes and comments we receive on a post, instead of internal validation or celebration from close friends and family. 

So, how can we combat comparison burnout on social media? 

1. Awareness: the first step is to be aware and frequently reminded that social media is truly a highlight reel curated with the best moments. It is rarely, if ever, an accurate portrayal of someone’s life. 

2. Limit screen time: try your best to be mindful of how much time you spend online. Notice how you feel when you’re not scrolling, versus when you’re interacting with people in real life. 

3. Increase self-esteem: practice improving your self compassion and view of self. Try to remind yourself that you are good enough just the way you are and your worth is not related to the number of likes, followers, and comments you receive. Focus on the aspects of yourself that you love regardless of them showcased on social media. 

Comparison burnout on social media is something I see everyday as a therapist. The rise in social media usage has only increased this level of comparison that is impacting people’s mental wellness.. By being mindful of the curated nature of social media content, limiting our time online, and practicing self-compassion, we can create a healthier relationship with social media. Remember, you are more than your social media, and your worth is not defined by likes or followers.

Put You Family Values on Your Fridge

By anne decore, lmft

Creating a family values statement is a thought-provoking and bonding exercise for families to engage in together. The process of forming a statement provides children an opportunity to feel valued and included in family decisions and gives them an opportunity to practice important skills like self-expression and perspective-taking.

Below are questions that are meant to spark deep reflections and discussions among family members. By exploring these brainstorming questions together, you can uncover and articulate the values that are most important to you.

• What does our family believe in and stand for?

• What are the core principles and virtues that are most important to our family?

• What kind of family culture do we want to cultivate?

• What values do we want to pass on to future generations?

• What are our family's strengths and unique qualities?

• What values will help us navigate challenges and difficult times together?

• How do we want to treat one another as family members?

• What values do we want to embody in our relationships with others outside the family?

• How do we want to contribute to our community and the world at large?

Now you have a list of words and ideas. Next, define each value. Take each value identified and define it clearly. Discuss as a family what each value means to you and how it will be manifest in your daily lives. For example, if one of your values is "respect," discuss what respect looks like in your interactions with each other and others outside the family.

Then, craft the statement. Have fun with this. Let everyone contribute so that it reflects your collective vision and aspirations, your family spirit. Make it memorable and easy to understand for everyone in the family.

Display and revisit regularly. Once finalized, display the family values statement prominently in your home where everyone can see it (I like the fridge because it gets a lot of traffic!). This serves as a reminder and reinforces the importance of living by those values. Regularly revisit and discuss the statement as a family, revising as necessary if you feel you need to add or tweak your existing statement.

A family values statement provides a guiding framework that helps connect family members and shapes the identity of the family. It serves as a touchstone in decision-making and offers a common language for reinforcing positive behaviors and addressing conflicts within the family.

Taking A Pause

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

Communication is at the heart of every healthy relationship, but there are times when conversations become challenging or heated. During these moments, it's crucial to know how to take a pause as a couple. Pausing allows both partners to step back, calm down, and approach the conversation with more clarity and understanding. Here's some guidance on how you can effectively take a pause when discussing something difficult:

1. Recognize the signs: Pay attention to your body and emotions. If you notice tension rising, increased heart rate, or a feeling of being overwhelmed, it might be time to take a break.

2. Agree on a signal: Before starting a conversation, agree on a signal that either partner can use to call for a pause. This could be a specific word or gesture that indicates the need to take a break.

3. Express respect: When calling for a pause, express your respect for your partner and your commitment to continuing the conversation later. For example, "I respect you, and I want us to continue this conversation when we're both calmer."

4. Set a time to resume: Agree on a specific time to resume the conversation. This gives both partners time to reflect on their thoughts and feelings and approach the conversation with a clearer perspective.

5. Take time to self-soothe: Use the pause to engage in activities that help you relax and calm down. This could include deep breathing, going for a walk, or listening to calming music.

6. Practice active listening: When you resume the conversation, practice active listening. Show empathy and understanding towards your partner's perspective, even if you disagree.

7. Seek support: If you find that difficult conversations frequently escalate, consider seeking outside support. A therapist can help you develop healthy communication strategies and navigate challenging conversations more productively.

Taking a pause during a difficult conversation can prevent misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and strengthen your relationship. It's a powerful tool that allows both partners to communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner.

10 Ways To Practice Mindfulness This Winter Season

By Bree Minger, AMFT

The winter tends to feel like a whirlwind. The holidays start in November and keep us busy all the way to January when we decide to test ourselves with New Year’s resolutions. After that tends to peter off then comes the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day. Many of these celebrations may induce anxious or depressive feelings about one’s relationships with family, romantic partners or singleness. Additionally, this season can lead to many celebrations which often include heavier drinking or substance use. During this time of year, it is too easy to get caught up in hurry or expectations of status leaving many of us feeling drained or overwhelmed. 

Alternatively, winter can be a very fruitful time of rest. A period of hibernation to reflect and prepare for the next season to come– whether that be a new relationship, a new season of singleness, learning how to manage anxiety or depression or simply the shift to spring weather. Through all of these changes and challenges, one can practice rest through mindfulness. Mindfulness is proven to decrease feelings of anxiety, depression, pain, stress, insomnia and high blood pressure. Overall mindfulness can be practiced in many ways, as long as the body and brain are slowing down to pay attention to one’s senses and experience. 

Here are 10 ways to be practice mindfulness for the remainder of the winter season: 

1. Find joy in simple pleasures. Whether reading a book or watching the snowfall, try to slow down the moment and notice the beauty or tranquility. Breathe in the peace and breathe out any distractions from that present moment. 

2. Mindful eating can help slow your thoughts, emotions and prolong the enjoyment of the meal. Next time you eat your favorite snack or food, focus on each bite, relishing in the flavors you taste or the food’s texture. 

3. Breathing is very powerful when it comes to slowing our bodies down. Paying attention to exhales in particular can regulate our nervous system rapidly. Even apps on smart watches can aid in practicing deep breathing for just 1 to 2 minutes a day. 

4. Body scans can be helpful to notice sensations and connect these to emotions you may be experiencing. Body scans can be incorporated into therapy, or helpful guides can be found on youtube or elsewhere online. 

5. Slow down daily moments. From making your bed, to brushing your teeth, to showering there are many opportunities to set intentions for the day. Perhaps choose a daily moment to focus on what you may need that day, or how you can show up for someone else. Use the time to set a small daily goal that is achievable. 

6. Practicing gratitude can be an effective way to reflect on the day. Either at the end of the work day or while getting ready for bed reflect on one part of your day that stood out or one person for whom you are grateful. 

7. Progressive muscle relaxation can be an entry level meditation if mindfulness is uncomfortable. Again, a meditation like this can be incorporated into therapy sessions or guides are easily found online. 

8. Walking meditations reap several benefits because they incorporate physical activity and slowing down in the moment. Go for at least a 10 minute walk and notice the feeling of your footsteps and the shift of your body weight.

9. Engaging in art or creativity is also a very beneficial way to practice mindfulness. From painting to woodworking, using one’s hands to create is very helpful. 

10. Massage therapy is another mindful practice that connects the body and the brain. Releasing tension through massages comes from the release of endorphins allowing the body to fully relax and feel sensations of calm. 

SOURCES

The Dread of Valentine’s Season

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

With February here, this time of year can bring on a mix of emotions for many different people especially when it comes to Valentine’s Day. It can be a triggering time for many people. Whether you are single or grieving, it can be emotionally challenging with the constant reminder of hearts and love everywhere you go. This February could be an opportunity to look at this month and season of time differently rather than giving it the power to bring down your mood.

At the most basic level, Valentine’s Day is about love. That doesn’t mean it has to be romantic love. Maybe take this month as a self-care and self-love month to focus just on yourself! Or with so many fun Galentine’s ideas, maybe getting together with your friends and focus on the love you have within that support system in your life. Even if you do not have a romantic partner, it doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate and embrace the feeling of the season.

There are so many good ideas when it comes to focusing on self-care such as….

- Cooking yourself dinner and watch your favorite show/movie

- Bake your favorite dessert

- Go for a long walk

- Take yourself on a date (dinner, movie, get out of town, etc.)

- Get yourself some sort of beauty treatment (massage, facial, etc.)

- Paint or draw (lean into your creative side)

- Organize or do some cleaning that maybe you’ve been procrastinating

- Go to a workout class

- Resight some self-affirmations and remind yourself of how amazing you are

Even if you don’t want to be alone, spend some time with friends or family. You can do any of those things with someone else. You can also host a party or get-together with people in your life who need to be reminded that they are also loved. It is such an important time to remind the people in your life why you care about them and feel gratitude for the things and people that you feel lucky to have. Remind yourself of the things you do have in life, while also allowing yourself to feel however you feel. Meet yourself where you are at and listen to what you need. If this month is just something you want to get through and move on from then that is completely okay! Just know that you are not alone even if sometimes it can feel that way.

Nurturing Mental Health Through New Year's Resolutions

By Megan Allcock, LMFT

As the calendar restarts, many people embark on the journey of setting New Year's resolutions. While common goals often revolve around fitness, career, or personal development, it's crucial not to overlook the importance of mental health in this pursuit of self-improvement.New Year's resolutions are typically associated with tangible, measurable goals. However, taking care of one's mental well-being is equally important, if not more so. 

When setting goals it’s important to be realistic in what you can achieve. Think about the values you hold that can influence your resolution choices. Try to avoid overwhelming yourself with a long list and instead focus on a few key areas that will contribute to a more positive life. Below are a couple of suggestions for mental health goals and resolutions. 

Prioritize Self-Care:

Incorporate self-care practices into your daily routine. Whether it's meditation, deep breathing exercises, or simply taking a break to enjoy a cup of tea, these moments of self-care can significantly contribute to your mental well-being.

Establishing Boundaries:

Learn to say no and set healthy boundaries. Overcommitting and stretching yourself too thin can lead to stress and burnout. By establishing boundaries, you protect your mental and emotional space.

Cultivate Positive Habits:

Integrate habits that promote mental well-being. This could include regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep. These lifestyle factors play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy mind.

Seek Support:

Don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or professional support if needed. Discussing your goals and challenges with others can provide valuable insights and emotional support.

Embrace Flexibility:

Life is unpredictable, and setbacks are a natural part of any journey. Embrace flexibility in your resolutions, understanding that adjustments may be necessary. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge progress, no matter how small.

As the year progresses, take time to reflect on your journey. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how minor, and learn from challenges. This reflective process can enhance self-awareness and contribute to a positive mindset.

In the pursuit of New Year's resolutions, let's not forget the importance of nurturing our mental health. A holistic approach to self-improvement encompasses both tangible goals and the well-being of our minds. By incorporating mindful goal setting, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support when needed, we can create a positive and sustainable path toward a healthier, happier life in the coming years.

How Compassion-Scarcity Can Challenge A Couple When Baby Comes Along

By Anne Decore, lmft

Compassion-scarcity can become a silent intruder during a couple’s transition to parenthood. This is a time of great joy, but also a time of great upheaval and new demands. If not addressed, compassion scarcity can silently sowing seeds of resentment and fostering negative interactional patterns.

Here’s how it develops.

When a couple is low on vital resources (as they are when a baby arrives!) such as sleep, time, and energy, compassion – the capacity to feel concern for someone else’s suffering – also becomes scarce between partners. In part, this is because when we are burnt-out it is simply harder to consider someone else. But another part is driven by the scarcity mindset itself: we are driven to withhold compassion by a subconscious fear of giving without reciprocation.

Here’s an example of what this might look like between two new parents:

One person says “I had a brutal night, I’m so tired. The baby was up every hour.”

The other replies “her crying woke me up too, and I have to go to work today.”

“Are you implying taking care of a baby all day isn’t work? It’s harder and certainly more important work than your job!”

“Oh really? Who pays for the house and food and designer baby clothes you purchase?”

And so on, and so forth.

At its core, compassion-scarcity arises when partners struggle to empathize with each other's feelings, experiences, or perspectives. This scarcity then leads to emotional distance, miscommunication, and resentment.

You can see how this interactional sequence is underpinned by a withholding of compassion. If a response of compassion was offered (“this is so hard, I’m so sorry. How can we support each other through this long day?”) at any turn by either partner a softening might occur, an opportunity for connection. Instead, each partner refuses to offer compassion because each partner isn’t receiving any compassion. Here they get stuck in the compassion-scarcity cul-de-sac. It’s a place that lacks curiosity and is defined by biased comparisons and score-keeping. What’s so unfortunate about this place is that two people who are going through the same stressor feeling completely alone in their experience.

You can guide yourself out of this pattern. Here’s how:

1. Build a culture of appreciation and acknowledgment within the relationship. Practice voicing validation, gratitude, and curiosity in times of low stress so that it still flows, out of habit, in times of high stress.

2. Name it to tame it. Notice the scarcity fear creeping in that keeps you from validating your partner’s experience and name it to yourself like this: “I’m afraid to give my partner empathy because I need it too and what if I don’t get it?” Next, have self-compassion about toward that fear: “This is a hard time, it makes sense, self, that you would feel that way.” Then, make a shift: remind yourself that the more you give the more you get. Tell yourself “acknowledging my partner’s hardship doesn’t mean my hardships are invalid.” Empathy tends to activate empathy – it grows the pie. There is room for two.

3. Take time as a couple to talk to one another about your individual needs (biological, psychological, and social). Talk about the ways you can create an abundance mindset when it comes to supporting each other emotionally during the transition to parenthood. Seeking professional help, such as couples' therapy or counseling, can be immensely beneficial to aid with these conversations.

Addressing compassion-scarcity in a relationship requires patience and mutual commitment. By consciously nurturing understanding and validation couples can create an environment that fosters compassion and strengthens their connection during the ups and downs of new parenthood.

Navigating the Seasonal Shift

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

For many, the change in seasons brings not only a shift in temperature but also a shift in mood. I often find that my clients experience noticeable emotional changes with the arrival of fall and the transition to winter. The impact of weather and changing seasons on mental health is a well-documented phenomenon. As the sunlight wanes, some individuals may experience a shift in mood often referred to as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). However, even for those who don't meet the clinical criteria for SAD, the change in seasons can still influence emotions and well-being. Let's discuss strategies for maintaining well-being during the colder, darker months.

Acknowledge your feelings

The first step in navigating this seasonal emotional terrain is acknowledging and accepting your feelings. It's okay to notice shifts in your mood, energy levels, or motivation as the days get shorter. Understanding that these changes are a natural response to external factors can alleviate some of the pressure you might feel to be constantly upbeat.

Connect with nature

While the weather may be less inviting, try to maintain a connection with nature. Take short walks during daylight hours, even if the sunlight is scarce. Exposure to natural light can have a positive impact on mood and energy levels. Consider bringing elements of nature indoors—flowers, plants, or even a sunlight-mimicking lamp can make a difference.

Set a routine

With daylight diminishing, it's easy to let routine slip away. However, maintaining a consistent daily routine can provide a sense of stability and control. Set regular sleep patterns, make time for exercise, and prioritize activities that bring you joy. Routine can act as an anchor during times of emotional flux.

Socialize and seek support

The urge to hibernate during colder months is real, but social connections are vital for emotional well-being. Make an effort to spend time with loved ones, whether in person or virtually.

I encourage my clients to approach the seasonal shift with self-compassion. Emotions, like seasons, are ever-changing. By acknowledging, accepting, and implementing strategies to support emotional well-being, we can navigate the seasonal ebb and flow with resilience and grace.

Honoring Veterans Mental Health

By Bree Minger, amft

This month we pause to recognize, honor and thank Veterans, active duty service members, and reserve members this Veteran’s Day. Often, many do not realize the depth in which service significantly impacts Veteran’s lifestyles, families, and mental health. In 2020, there were 6,146 Veteran deaths by suicide (2022 National Veteran Suicide Prevention Annual Report). This jarring number is one that the VA is on a mission to lower. Thankfully, mental health has become a greater focus for Veterans and their families in recent years. 

Are you a Veteran or active duty member struggling? We thank you and there is hope. 

The VA has many mental health resources for different topics such as anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, traumatic brain injuries, military sexual trauma, PTSD, schizophrenia, substance abuse, tobacco use, suicide prevention, the transition after returning from deployment, women, LGBTQ+, seniors and family or friends. 

For many years within the military, mental health has been stigmatized for how it may impact a service member’s career. This is changing. Military One Source offers free and confidential counseling to service members and their families. 

There are also many resources available from Military One Source including webinars, podcasts and apps designed for service members, spouses and children. 

Local to Chicago and looking for a resource? Chicago Veterans provides a strong social support system for Veterans and their families transitioning from service. 

Do you know a Veteran, active duty service member or a family member of a service member? Here’s how you may make a difference. 

Reach out this month to thank them and check in to see how they are doing. Ask if there is any way you can help such as driving children to school, driving to doctor appointments, raking leaves, shoveling snow, running errands or making a meal.

Consider supporting a Veteran-owned business. 

Find a volunteer or donation opportunity that honors or supports Veterans such as ride programs, service dog training, food banks or shelters.

https://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/

https://www.militaryonesource.mil/health-wellness/mental-health/mental-health-matters-in-the-military/

https://chicagovets.org/

Back to School Blues: Tips and Tricks for Helping Your Kids Study

By Nicole Marino, AMFT

With school being a few months in now, kids are back to doing homework and studying. The transition back into work from the fun of the summer can be tough. It can be hard for kids to switch back into having to do homework and focus on lessons throughout the day. It is important to make sure your kids are having an effective and productive study time.

Here are some helpful tips for any parents struggling to get their kids to complete homework assignments or study for tests/quizzes:

Eliminate any distractions

• Kids can be distracted by things in their environment such as toys, tv, music, siblings, electronic devices, etc. so it is important to make sure they have a clean and clear study space where they can just focus on the tasks at hand. It is also a good idea for kids to have a specific space where they do their homework preferably not in the same space as where they like to relax or go to sleep. It can be helpful and more motivating for kids to have a space that they can associate with being focused and working.

Break things up into smaller tasks

• It can be very overwhelming to cram a lot of work or studying into one session or night so make sure to break up the work. Break large tasks or assignments into smaller ones. It can help kids feel more accomplished by completing each smaller task rather than getting discouraged by a large task that takes a long time.

Create a schedule

• Creating a homework/study schedule can give kids more structure to their after-school time. They know when to start their homework, and when they can have breaks, have dinner, go to sleep, etc. Having a schedule can also help keep them focused and on the task at hand.

Take breaks

• It is so helpful to take breaks when it comes to maintaining focus. When we get tired or distracted, it probably means it is time to take a break. Maybe that means taking a break after a specific amount of time has passed or when a certain homework assignment or task is completed. It can be an opportunity for kids to have a reset and some time to recharge before getting back to it.

Have snacks and water

• As discussed above with taking breaks, it is also important that kids are not hungry or parched during their homework or studying time. Having snacks and water before studying (or during breaks) can help with focus and energy levels. Making sure kids are getting enough hours of sleep each night also helps with focus and energy.

Motivate and help when needed

• Parents are obviously a big factor when it comes to implementing productive study habits. Kids need help with encouragement and positive reinforcement from parents to help motivate them to maintain their hard work and habits. If kids are struggling, try to stay patient when it comes to helping them, or finding a tutor or teacher than can better guide them on how to solve the problems.

It is not always easy to get kids to study or do their homework, but it is important for parents to stay diligent and consistent with implementing these habits and tips. The more they do these tricks, the more natural it will become for them to continue doing them after school each day.

Navigating the Maze: Understanding High Functioning Anxiety

By Megan Allcock, AMFT

Anxiety is a common mental health condition that affects millions of people worldwide. While it manifests differently in each individual, there is an unofficial subtype often labeled as High Functioning Anxiety. So what is that exactly?

High functioning anxiety is not an officially recognized mental health diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Instead, it's a term used to describe individuals who outwardly appear to have their lives together while silently battling persistent anxiety beneath the surface.

Some of the key characteristics of High Functioning Anxiety include:

• Perfectionism: Setting impossibly high standards for themselves, striving for flawlessness in every aspect of their lives.

• Overthinking: Constant overthinking and ruminating about past events or future scenarios.

• Procrastination: Ironically, some individuals with high functioning anxiety may procrastinate tasks due to the fear of not meeting their own high standards.

• Constant Worry: Excessive worrying, even about trivial matters, is common as well.

• Difficulty Relaxing: People with high functioning anxiety may find it challenging to relax or "switch off," always feeling the need to be productive or busy.

• Physical Symptoms: While not always present, physical symptoms like muscle tension, restlessness, and gastrointestinal issues are common too.

So how is it different from typical anxiety? The main difference between high functioning anxiety and typical anxiety is the ability to maintain a presence of “normal”. High functioning anxiety often goes unnoticed because individuals suffering from it have developed coping mechanisms to navigate daily life effectively. They may excel at work, maintain social relationships, and fulfill responsibilities, all while concealing their inner stress and anxiety. 

If you think you might suffer from this, here are some tips to help manage it better. 

• Self-awareness: Recognizing and accepting that you have high functioning anxiety is crucial. Understand that it's okay and often necessary to seek help and support.

• Therapy: A therapist can provide tools and strategies to cope with anxiety symptoms as well as navigate some of the underlying causes for your anxiety.

• Medication: Medication prescribed by a healthcare professional may be necessary and very helpful to alleviate anxiety symptoms - usually in conjunction with talk therapy.

• Self-care: Prioritize self-care activities such as regular exercise, adequate sleep, a balanced diet, and relaxation techniques as often as possible.

• Set realistic goals: Challenge the need for perfectionism and set achievable, reasonable goals for yourself. Practice self-compassion.

• Establish boundaries: Learn to say no when necessary. Setting healthy boundaries can prevent overcommitting and feeling overwhelmed.

• Seek support: Share your feelings with trusted friends or family members. Often, simply talking about your anxiety can provide some relief.

If You feel Adrift at Work, Try This Exercise

By Anne DeCore, lmft

We all experience periods in our professional lives that feel adrift. Sometimes it’s a feeling of disconnect to your work persona, your work culture, your work goals. When this happens, one place to start is with a values check-in. It may be that your values are out of alignment with the path your on at work. Clarifying and ranking values is an insightful exercise that can help you clarify the path forward.

1. Start by making a list of your core values:

Values are chosen qualities of being and doing. They describe how you want to live your life. We don’t achieve them; rather we live in accordance with them. Examples of values are: cooperation, creativity, freedom, justice, generosity, industry, responsibility, persistence, trust, spirituality, adventure, gratitude, etc.

2. Next, ask yourself:

Do my values connect to my work identity and goals? If so, how? When goals are detached from values, we tend to lose a sense of purpose. When goals flow from values we tend to feel motivated. Goals that flow from values are inherently more meaningful.

3. Close the gap:

Explore what you need to do to infuse your values back into your work life. Subtle tweaks or radical changes? Grant yourself permission to think beyond practical constraints. Even if you can’t implement the necessary changes immediately, it will soothe you to know that when the time comes, you’re already clear on what will guide you.

Values are enduring. Goals are finite.

Guiding Yourself: Progressive Muscle Relaxation

By Jessy Weston, AMFT

In the midst of life's hustle and bustle, finding moments of calm can feel like an elusive quest. I often find myself sitting with clients who are struggling to navigate stress and anxiety in their lives and are unsure of how to slow down. In those moments, I find it can be helpful to practice a mindfulness exercise together. One of my favorite mindfulness techniques is progressive muscle relaxation.

Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) is a relaxation technique based on the concept that physical tension and mental stress are closely connected. Developed by American physician Edmund Jacobson in the early 20th century, PMR aims to reduce both physical and mental stress by systematically tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups in the body.

The theory behind PMR is rooted in the idea that when we consciously tense and then release muscle groups, we become more aware of the physical sensations associated with tension and relaxation. This heightened awareness allows us to recognize and differentiate between states of tension and relaxation more effectively. By repeatedly practicing PMR, we can learn to identify when we are holding tension in our bodies, even in day-to-day situations. Over time, PMR can lead to reduced muscle tension, decreased anxiety, improved sleep, and an overall sense of calm and well-being.

Step 1: Find a Quiet Space

Choose a peaceful environment where you won't be disturbed. Sit or lie down in a comfortable position, and close your eyes if you feel comfortable doing so.

Step 2: Focus on Your Breath

Take a few slow, deep breaths to ground yourself. Inhale through your nose, feeling your lungs and belly expand, and then exhale slowly through your mouth, releasing any tension.

Step 3: Tense and Release

Begin with your toes. As you inhale, curl your toes tightly, feeling the tension in your foot. Hold for a few seconds, then exhale as you release the tension. Notice the difference between tension and relaxation.

Step 4: Move Up the Body

Continue this process, moving progressively up your body. Focus on each muscle group for 5-10 seconds before releasing:

• Calves and shins

• Thighs

• Abdomen

• Chest and back

• Shoulders

• Arms and hands

• Neck and throat

• Face (forehead, eyes, cheeks, jaw)

Step 5: Embrace Sensations

As you work through each muscle group, pay attention to the sensations. Notice how tension feels different from relaxation. Notice the soothing sensation of letting go.

Step 6: Slowly Return

When you're ready, gently bring your awareness back to the present moment. Wiggle your fingers and toes, stretch your body, and open your eyes if they were closed.